Today I was angry. Angry about everything. I yelled and cried a lot. I was home sick, and it just came over me. I am angry that my life will not turn out like I planned. It can’t. I have been robbed of that opportunity. There is no hope for me growing old with my wife and looking back at the family we created together. Its not going to happen. Our kids will visit each of us separately to show off the grand kids. If they are lucky, they will have a spouse who truly believes in marriage, but in this world that is unlikely to happen.
So the biggest thing that I was angry about is how my wife discarded our marriage. Not just when she left me, but when she cheated. She made my a cuckold in my marriage. Maybe not completely, but effectively. I had to beg for sex, and it was still withheld more often than not. She disgusts me, because she was never honest with me. She was never in love with me. I was just a man who met her needs at the time. She may have been wrapped up into the marriage to deep to just run when she was done, but she was never invested in me. The marriage didn’t work, because one of us wasn’t present. I was accused of being that someone multiple times, but I can say that other than a brief time towards the end, I was fully present and lonely.
I was angry that as a result of that marriage, I am now single. I will likely remain single. The odds of me meeting the woman that will take on a man that has four kids and won’t have any more is small. I won’t have the time to to look for her. I have the kids. I won’t have the finances for years to do it either. It will be almost five years before I have my debt paid for. It will be over 10 years before my kids are grown. The only thing I would want a woman for at that time is to not be alone. I sure hope by then, I do better at being alone.
I was mad at God or the Church or both. I was mad that because of what I was taught, I felt trapped in a marriage where my wife didn’t care for me. Where she violated the vows multiple times. On the surface, I knew I could walk, but the lessons drilled into me over the years told me I was a better man than that, and could forgive her. The same people told her that it was my fault she cheated, that it was my fault she was unhappy, and that God did not want her to be unhappy. She got the excuses, while I got the responsibilities.
I was mad that sex in marriage sucked in every way. That sex since marriage has not sucked. I want sex. I have to move past feeling that I need sex, but I want it. I can’t ignore that, and won’t ever be in a situation where the woman I am with does not provide sex.
I have to accept that I will likely spend most of the rest of my life alone. I will not have a woman to share life’s experiences with. Girlfriends are likely to be far and few between. I don’t like it, but it is something I will have to come to terms with, and soon.