Its a strange paradox that I live in now. I can’t get past the betrayal my wife has committed. It doesn’t matter, because I don’t have to live with it in my face. She left, and that was the final betrayal. I can’t stop thinking about it. It infuriates me that I will not have what my parents have. I will not get til death do us part. I am sure that most sane men knew that going in. The marriage gamble does not work out for most of us. Somehow I thought it would be different for me. I ran with a crowd that valued marriage from the start. We didn’t have to be coerced, bribed, or scared to marry our women. We wanted to find a wife, and do so early. Yes I ran with Christians, and believed that I might be more immune to the pains of divorce and infidelity because Christian men sought out Christian women. Well that was before the red pill was crammed down my throat, and I nearly choked on it. I read Atholnow, and he makes some interesting points. I don’t believe most of them would save a marriage like mine. It would have made it somewhat more enjoyable, and it may have lasted longer, or it may have killed it quicker. That was my entry into the MRA world. I have found many other resources to keep my brain spinning. I have watched to see what holds water. I have become angry that my wife is exactly like every other woman out there. That path has led me to a point that I am at now. I was mostly there when she moved out, and closer when I moved out, but now I am firmly in the camp of I don’t want her anymore. I don’t really know where to go from here. I have spent so long trying to hold my marriage together, and now that is the last thing I want. I have no idea what’s next. I know that I don’t really want another wife. The promise of marriage was one person for the rest of my life. This culture no longer supports that, so I have no idea what purpose marriage serves. I am mad that when I have something to share, she isn’t there to listen. I am mad that when I grow old, it will be without the warmth of her beside me. I am mad that my children don’t have what I had. The comfort and protection of a mom and a dad right there for them whenever they need us.
The reality that I have to accept is this. She is in my life forever. Til death do us part has not changed, just the way it plays out. We have four children together, and so there will be no way to avoid her. I will live close to her at least the next decade while my children grow up. They will have me always a few minutes away if they need me. If I reach a point where I want a woman in my life, I will forgo anything that will interferes with my children, and that includes living together or getting married again until such a time my children don’t have to live with that choice in their daily lives. No woman would want what I offer any way. I offer leaving at a moments notice to take care of my children wherever and whenever they need it, and they need it a lot with the world their mother is weaving for them. I may seek periodic sex, but I don’t see that becoming anything more significant anytime soon.
I know this post is rambling a bit, but I needed to dump this crap filling my mind.