Tag: Men

Heart Break/Summer Fling

HeligKo
broken heart

I met the woman just before the kids were out of school. We dated for about three months, and they were some of the most exhilarating in a long time. Her name was Sarah. We went out the first time, and met at a bar in a trendy part of town. We had met online, so it was a little awkward the first time we saw each other, but that quickly passed. We had some appetizers and talked for a while. We then went to a show at a little theater in the area. We had planned this ahead of time. The play was a bit cheesy. We figured it would either be good or so bad it was funny. It had moments of both. During the show she was graceful elegant and beautiful to watch. She stayed in physical contact with me throughout the show. When the show was over, we returned to the bar, and had another drink. After we talked for a while, she leaned in, and said I am going to kiss you now, and did. I walked her back to her car, and we kissed more. We left in our own cars, and went to our own homes.

We both have kids, so we worked around each other’s schedules to sneak in an evening here and there where we would sit outside and talk and kiss more. I put off sex with her for a couple weeks. When we had sex, it was an all night long affair. We were in bed all morning the next day. I have never had sex so long and often in one day in my life. It was an emotional experience in a way that I hadn’t experienced sex before. It raised the bar for what my expectations are from a sexual relationship. I do believe that a big part of this was me throwing off the shackles of religious sexual oppression. As a Christian sex always seemed a little dirty. I haven’t tossed all my beliefs, but I just can’t buy the teaching of the church when it comes to sex anymore. My marriage was miserable, especially regarding sex. During this time together, I told her that my time table for filing for divorce was during the summer. The summer slipped away from me, and not all the pieces were in place for me to divorce as I would like. It was going to take a little longer. Among other things, the house deal had fallen apart yet again.

Over the month and a half we became very close. We met a mutual friend one night for karaoke and that was the night I got arrested for a DUI. My sister picked me up early in the morning, and I slept on her couch for a while. Sarah picked me up at the my sisters house and took me home. She took the day off, and we spent the day in my bed. The words she said to me and the way she made me feel, made the problem not seem so big. The results of that DUI have not been determined. I am sure that I will have some form of diversion that will suck, but won’t be that hard to deal with. The hard part will be my license will likely be suspended for some amount of time. I don’t know how long that will be. With four kids and my STBEW having moved farther away again, I don’t know how I deal with that. Sadly, I will probably have to drive illegally to live my life for maybe as long as a year. I will pay much higher insurance rates, and may never be allowed to enter Canada because of this one night. I don’t understand the law on this. I have a perfect driving record for most of the almost 25 years I have driven. I didn’t cause anyone harm, but I will punished in the most extreme way by an administrative court. There is no public transit in my area, so driving is a requirement for living a full life. The week this happened I had just found out my dad probably had another round of brain tumors, my neighboring duplex unit had burned, and I had found out my sister almost lost her house. I didn’t drink to forget these things, but relaxed too much while I was out. Sarah left before I did. I should have left when she left.

Sarah went on vacation with her extended family. Part of the trip was putting her father’s ashes to rest in the Grand Canyon, a favorite place of her father. Communication was weird during her trip, but that was somewhat to be expected. She was hiking and travelling. She was bothered by it though. We saw each other for a night when she returned. We went to my high school reunion. It was a really fun night. We couldn’t stay together, because she had her kids, but we had some intimate time together.

The next day I left for vacation with my extended family. It was a good time, and during the trip Sarah and I communicated regularly. I was excited to get home to see here, while having a great time with my family. I had the kids the following week, because their mom as on a trip for that week. We talked during that time, and prepared for the following week where we each wouldn’t have kids.

That week was the week after my birthday. We had a good couple of nights. I couldn’t spend the night because her kids would be their in the morning, because it was still summer break and the kids were being watched at her house during that time. We then had a great weekend starting with a night out with a couple she is good friends with. I had to go do some things the next morning with my kids. We got back together for lunch and then went on a hike and then got some dinner. We had another great evening together. After we fell asleep, I woke up and looked over to see her sleeping on the edge of the bed. I was reminded of how my wife would do that when she was mad. I remembered a few comments that Sarah had made over the week, and combined that with the fact she had not been sleeping well since she left for vacation to determine that something was not good.

Sunday we didn’t talk after I left. She got her kids back. I knew she was stressing over my situation with the divorce. I suspect the DUI bothered her more than she said, and her dad. She had told me how her dad had played a role in her marriage and in its demise. Her father died in a car accident, so it was a surprise. I played some soccer for the first time in weeks. I texted her to say good night when I was done. I didn’t hear anything from her next day until late afternoon. She asked if she could come see me before her baby sitter had to go home. I said sure knowing that it was going to be not good. She told me then that she wasn’t sure she could handle the way I make decisions, and that she didn’t want to grow to not like me. We talked for a while about things in general. I didn’t try to change her mind.

A couple days later after stewing about things for a while, I decided to write her a letter. Some might call it a love letter. It didn’t ask for her to come back, or tell her why she was wrong. I simply told her the impact that she has had on my life, and that if over time we could become friends, as hard as that can be, then I would like that. I felt good about the letter. After I sent it, I of course had the thoughts of what did I just tell her. What would it say. Would it make me look weak, or would it convey what I intended. I intended for it to tell her that I had grown to lover her, and would miss her. That she wasn’t just another girl in my life, but one of the memorable ones. I generally go with my heart on these things. I don’t like to leave things unsaid. Good or bad. I appreciate that she didn’t wait until things were bad, and she didn’t like me anymore.

As I have spent the last week thinking about this more. I wonder what was unsaid by her? What was going on in her head? And, how could I have drawn that out of her? I know that I should not have led her to believe that it was a done deal that I would have the divorce filed and nearly completed by the end of the summer. Summer is too unpredictable to make those kind of plans, especially when I am doing the work myself. She kept telling me “I am counting on you,” and “I need you to come through for me.” I took these statements lightly. I think I was missing some meaning behind them. It could be as extreme as she had decided she wanted to marry, or that simply that she felt like I needed to do this for her. She had said multiple times that wasn’t the case, but I may have missed the code words. I think she was emotionally messed up from her father and facing those demons again, and that she wasn’t willing to talk about it. All that added to the stresses of my life right now was too much for her. I may never know, and that always drives me nuts, but such is life.

Right now, I will look for dates again. I am pickier than when I met her. She did raise the bar for me. I am less willing to settle, and feel like that is okay. If she decided to come back in the next couple weeks, I would probably take her. It would require a big talk, and I would have to feel like I have gotten complete answers to some of my questions. She would also have to face me telling her some of the story of my marriage, because without knowing it, I don’t think she can understand why I am so cautious as I proceed with my divorce. She also believes that I am naive in believing that I have emotionally handled the ramifications of divorce, and am not going to be surprised by the finality of it. What she doesn’t understand is that as the man who was told that the divorce was coming, I had to face the loss and changes that were unexpected earlier than the person choosing the course. They have an image of how things will be as they head towards divorce, and its not until the end they realize there is another person making decisions and changing the course of events. They don’t realize that the loss of another’s love hurts, even after you have withdrawn your love from them already. This is why so many women in divorces they asked for become nasty at the end. The reality of their choices smacks them in the face.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Observations over the weekend

HeligKo
White Knight

This weekend was a busy one. One of those crazy run all over town my kids are doing too much kind of weekends. I had 3 kids in 4 tournaments in 3 different places. This presented some time to take in the world. As I ran around, I spent a lot of time with different people in different situations. So here are three things that struck me over this weekend.

I was chatting with a mom at the batting cages. I didn’t know much about her situation. I know that the STBEW had been talking to her the day before. She opened the non-baseball talk with something along the lines of “Its great how you and her can work things out for the kids sake.” Now understand that was referring to us getting along well enough to get the 4 kids to their activities. She then went on to explain that she has been a single mom since her youngest was four and a half months old, and how their Dad wouldn’t always take the kids to everything on the weekends he had them. I listened as she finished with “Its all about them isn’t it” meaning the kids. First if it was all about them, I would meet far fewer women like her, because they would have figured out a way to stay with the Dad. Most of the time men are easy to keep. There was a time not long ago, I may not have judged the man harshly, but I would not understand why he wouldn’t take his daughter to both a softball game and a soccer game on the same day. Now I see it with a different set of eyes. This man has his kids every other weekend, that’s it. She moved from a town 30 minutes away, leaving him there. He chose not to pick up and leave. This happened to me, and I made a different choice, but I can understand not following her around. Mine wants to move again, and I will probably stay where I am at, so my kids can have some stability. Now if I only had my kids 4 days a month, I think that I might choose to filter their activities such that I got to spend more time with them. Now she painted this picture without saying the words that made him seem like a dead beat of sorts. She told me I would see him at the game. I found this woman attractive before she started talking. I lost some of that shimmer for her as she spoke. I found myself saying “that’s too bad” a lot during the conversation. She probably thought I was agreeing with her sentiment, but the truth is I meant that its too bad that this man was missing out on his kids life for whatever reason. I watched this man at the game. Not hard for me to do at a baseball game. I don’t like baseball much. He came with a daughter from another woman. He obviously had her full time or close to it. He interacted with her and his other daughter as a very genuine father, who knew that people had already judged him. He talked to no one else at the game except one of the coaches. I also watched that he multiple times gave this woman a chance to engage him, and she chose not to. I feel this man’s pain. I am forever changed by my experience, and I know what torture he must go through knowing that he does not have the right to protect his children as a father should.

The next one happened on Facebook. A girl I went to high school with posted one of those “support me, I have been wronged” posts I find that mostly single mothers post about the “son of a bitch” they chose to have kids with. She had sent her child to another city on an airplane to see their father. The father missed getting the child back on the plane in the morning, and she was incensed that not only did she go to the airport and not get her child, but didn’t get a phone call. She called and asked what the hell happened. He explained he thought the flight was in the evening not the morning. Now I saw the comments. Most from similar women saying OMG, and other trite things. They all called this man a pig. How dare he, blah, blah, blah. A few white knights stepped in saying they would kick his ass if they ever saw him. I am thinking to myself, why would this man call if he didn’t realize that the flight was at 5AM instead of 5PM. It would be hours before he realized the mistake. He acted completely reasonably, but everyone wanted to kill him. This again was a woman I once found attractive, but the shimmer was lost with posts like these. My new eyes made me see that this was the continuation of parental alienation. She would now have a reason and the support to deny the father of her children access to the kids they had together. He will probably now see them even less than he already does. I know from her posts that she moves around the country freely, which probably also complicates things for this man. I feel this man’s pain. I am forever changed by my experience, and I know the torture he must go through knowing that he does not have the right to protect his children like a father should.

The third is more personal. After my son won his soccer tournament. It was late, and I was ready to get my kids home. The youngest was tired and ready for bed. The oldest was just hanging out. The middle girl was at a friends and I needed to pick her up, and get some stuff she left in her mom’s car. The one who one who won needed to get his stuff from the car of his team mate’s grandma who had taken care of getting him from game to game over the weekend. I left with the three I had. Shortly after leaving I get an annoyed phone call from my STBEW. She had parked across the park in another lot. Something I would have no idea about, since she was there before I was. She was annoyed I hadn’t sent the boys or a boy with her to escort her to her car. She didn’t ask them to go. Somehow I was not doing my job as a man to think of her, and send a boy, and was also failing to train the boys how to properly treat their mother. If we were together, I would have known, and would have sent a boy with her, and we would have been going to the same home, so he would stay with her. Instead we are not together. My thoughtlessness should have been expected, because when she left my home and asked for a divorce, she also gave up my protection. I don’t understand how she believes that she should have my protection by proxy through the boys. I wasn’t going to argue the point with her. I also wasn’t going to agree to have a chat with the boys, because as I wrote before, chivalry is dead in Chivalry Lost. I see no reason to train my sons to treat women with deference, and their mother in particular. This is different than respecting her as a parent. Had she asked, I would have sent one, even though to get to her I would have had to make multiple u-turns and drive about 3 extra miles to get to the other parking lot. I struggle with how to handle this. I used to think that chivalry was something I should teach my sons. I used to believe that it was important, and it was my job to teach them that women were precious and deserved special care. The problem is the deal is broken. The social contract that was in place that chivalry was a part of him meant that women treated men with a certain respect for being men, and that her men were treated with even more deference. Now that she has left, she no longer has my protection. Our contract is broken. Why then should I train my sons to treat her in a way that I myself would not treat her any longer. Chivalry was taught from father to son mostly through interactions with their mother. Once you are separate that just isn’t going to happen. Now the other problem is that chivalry is something enforced by men for men. It is completely disrespectful for a woman to demand it, and to demand that I a man would teach it in the way she believes it should be done. Feminism has changed chivalry, something they were the beneficiary of but had no part in, into yet another female privileged they believe they deserve. I am sorry, but my sons will not be taught by me to treat women as princesses. They will get the respect they have earned and no more. They will get the protection and service my sons desire to give and no more. I will also teach my daughters that they do not deserve these things for just existing. Its sad the world is here, but surviving requires a new understanding of the social contract. It is time that the women in each of our lives understand that we know the social contract is broken, and they don’t get to write the rules all by themselves.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Facebook Stories

HeligKo

First, no this will not have anything to do with the use of Facebook to destroy marriages. That topic is fairly uninteresting, because it is not Facebook that facilitates cheating, it is just a means of communication, and the women who want to cheat will find a means to communicate and connect to willing men. This is about how Facebook tells the stories of people who go through divorce.

Recently I was told that an acquaintance of mine was divorced. He was one of my U6 coaches that went ahead and continued to coach in the U8 age groups. I liked the guy a lot. His wife was beautiful and engaging and his children were pleasant to be around. His wife was a friend of mine on Facebook. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t use Facebook. I went back through her history. Pursuing the story she was telling. There was very little there about her husband. I saw pictures of them happily on a cruise in January of 2011 with friends. That was it. Then after all the noise there are pictures of the Holidays without him. I was dismayed. I saw them out and about town on a regular basis. They were always a pleasant couple. So why does this couple get divorced with two kids under the age 8. All I have is rumors, but it seems she wasn’t happy, and wanted to pursue opening her own photography studio full time. His family business took too much time, and so she didn’t have time to do what she wanted full time. So shortly after the kids are all in school, she forces the issue with divorce. Now he has to take the kids, and she will have that time to do her thing. Oh but wait there were other pictures that showed up right after the divorce was final. The pictures of her and another man. As a matter of fact, it became her cover picture. I am sure the rumors play their part, but she was running a photography studio, and with both kids in school, she had the time to do that full time. A studio that she would not of had the luxury to open if it hadn’t been for that husband and his job supporting her getting it started, with the expensive cameras and equipment, and general lack of income until her name became known.

Another couple I have known for years went through a divorce. I had to remove the wife as a friend. Her posts became so toxic. Her Facebook story is one of a woman who was abandoned by a man who wasn’t taking care of her kids. A man who didn’t care about their fate. He just left and wasn’t fixing things at the house he promised to. The kids missed him because he was spending all his time with his new girlfriend. Now this couple I know the real story. You see it is a part of my story. The wife was a lifelong friend of my wife. She is a toxic, whorish, overbearing woman. She decided that she wanted a divorce. She hadn’t married the man who produced her first child. She had two children with her husband. She began picking fights with him whenever he was home about not doing enough around the house. She was a stay at home mom, who didn’t fix breakfast or dinner, didn’t vacuum, do laundry, or just about anything else. Oh and both the kids were very much school age. She then said she needed a social life. She began going out to bars, and hooking up with random guys. My wife would go also, supposedly to make sure this lady stayed out of trouble. I took this at face value, but since she wasn’t staying out of trouble, then what was my wife doing. Right, of course she was getting into her own trouble. This woman eventually kicked her husband out, then moved out. He moved back in, and then things went back and forth again. As they divorced. He paid the entirety of his paycheck to her, and then delivered pizzas at night for his living money. He has been chastised for not being more supportive with his fucked up stepson, who he was never allowed to be more than a baby sitter for. Well I recently had dinner with this man. Turns out she began turning the kids against him to the point who couldn’t handle having them with him the four days a month he was allowed. He got the child support adjusted to something that allowed him to have a life. He is now considering moving to another state for work, because he there isn’t much hope for him seeing his kids. I feel sorry for him. I know how he got there. I would make different choices, but he is of a generation a bit older than me. He also isn’t much of a fighter.

I find it interesting how things go on Facebook. It seems that when someone is talking about custody and divorce on their, well they are trying to control the conversation and shape the view others have. I generally find these people unbelievable. Other’s its the subtext that is there. The tone of their posts. The character of their pictures that tell the story. These are the ones that I am interested in. The story is partly there. You see it, but its not all there. Oh and I can make up the rest. I look for the hidden story. Sometimes I will send a message to a man to find out his story. Surprisingly most respond, and seem a bit surprised that anyone cared to ask. Women talk, even if no one wants to hear them. Their story will get out. Men tend to keep it in. They don’t want to air their dirty laundry for everyone. I have found though that this is not the case of its a privacy issue. They lost that with their wife’s blabbering most of the time. It is the case that they don’t want to force people to take sides, and they don’t want to force their burden onto someone else. Many men think telling the story without being asked is akin to asking for help. Keep this in mind. It has been a good thing for people to ask my story. It has let me know people care, and has helped me think through things as I share them with someone else.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

None Of It Matters

HeligKo
Aghori

I have been thinking a lot lately about the things my wife told me when she said she wanted a divorce. As I said before, she gave me a laundry list of things that was wrong with me, that needed to change for her to stay. She had been challenged by her sister to give me a chance, so she told her she would. Her tactic was to pick a fight with me, and almost guarantee that I would not do anything different. Of course when I did change some things, I was told it was too little too late.

What horrible things could I have done to have her so firmly planted on leaving me, you might ask. Well I chew tobacco, have since I was 12, and never hid it from her. This of course was also an excuse to not kiss me after we got married. I was careful to make sure that I chewed gum, and brushed my teeth often to ensure that she would not be impacted by a stray piece of tobacco or the flavor. For the first few years, I never chewed around her, until I figured out it didn’t matter. I also very rarely did loads of laundry. This was a constant complaint with her. Of course the early years of our marriage she was so particular that I couldn’t get it right if I tried, and she just did mine. When we had kids, she was a stay at home mom. I always helped fold the laundry when the kids were in bed, and she was folding. I also didn’t get up with the kids in the morning often. I am not a morning person. I will admit that freely. She would wake up at the first noise, and I would not. She would get them ready for school, and poor the milk in their cereal, because the Lord knows she didn’t cook. From the time we had kids, I took over parenting when I got home. I would take care of all their needs, bath them, and put them to bed. When we had foster babies that needed to be fed in the middle of the night, I would stay up and do that, so she wouldn’t have to wake up and try to go back to sleep. Oh, and of course the kicker of all kickers. I rarely went to bed at the same time as her, and never got credit for doing so when I did. There were a lot of reasons for this. For first year of our marriage she worked nights, then I was in school and studying, then I had an IT job that required me to do much of my work in the middle of the night. When I did go to bed with her, she rarely wanted to be touched, or would complain that all I wanted was sex when I touched her.

None it matters. These were excuses. She actively rejected me getting up with the kids, doing laundry, and going to bed with her. I stopped chewing, but have started again. I enjoy it, and her opinion doesn’t count anymore. She would nit pick what I did in the morning with the kids, and complain about something every morning. She would get mad that I didn’t do the laundry exactly like she did. She would stay up long after I went to bed. None of it mattered. These were truly small things. The big thing was the rationalization hamster kept giving her more reasons to leave. It had found another man that would replace me, if only she could get rid of me. Ha, the joke is on her. That man ran away before they ever were able to get together, because she left me. He didn’t mind being the side guy, but a boyfriend for a middle aged woman with 4 kids, yea right. I had beat myself up over not doing these simple things. Of course these were the few things she did around the house. I did most of the cleaning, and all of the repairs and outside work. I also did most of the cooking. I mean actual cooking, where ingredients are bought and combined to make food, not just heated up to eat. She was fairly worthless.

Why do I reflect on this? What purpose does it serve? Well I spent a lot of time beating myself up for these things. I had to realize that none of it mattered. Once she opened Pandora’s Box by using the word divorce, there is no way to put it away. Game over. Anything she did from there on out was rationalizing her decision. The first time that word was used, was years before she said she wanted a divorce. Capitulating to her demands makes me weak. Not meeting her demands justifies her decision. Either way I lose. What it demonstrates is that she has no idea what love and marriage is all about. Its not about her. It should have been about me to her, and her to me. Self sacrifice for the betterment of your partner. That’s the deal in marriage, and the trust comes from seeing your partner do this for you. Its not hard to sacrifice for someone who is sacrificing for you. You don’t have to worry about your benefit, because your partner is. Sadly this is not what marriage was for me. I have seen it. My parents practiced it, and when they didn’t do it together, one was doing it for the other. It always came back around over the years to the other one. They were never worried about the fairness of the deal, or gaining advantage over each other. If your wife talks about divorce even in passing, prepare for divorce. Its only a matter of time. She is beginning to let that hamster run.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Why Are Men Getting Angry

HeligKo
12 HOMENS E UMA SENTEN?A

Over at Dalrock – a case for anger there is a lively discussion over why MRAs/MGTOWs that have given up on American women are so angry over the things they see, because they aren’t the victim. There are so many good comments, you should go over and check it out.

Why am I angry. I am angry at the fact I am at the complete mercy of my wife. I am angry that as a Christian man I was called to be the leader of my house, but the modern feminist thinking that has infiltrated the church has women ruling the house, while showing absolute contempt for their men that don’t lead. Men are told that they are the problem. It doesn’t matter what the problem, its their fault in the family. If they had their act together, then their wife would be happy, their kids would be well behaved, and they would have plenty of money. The modern church has no compassion for its own men. The Bible is full of men who fail in every way. God used them. He held them up as models for us. These are the men we are to look at as our heroes, yet the modern man is not supposed to have their failing, their egos, or their masculinity. The modern man is supposed to have learned the lessons that some of these men took more than a century to learn the moment we declare ourselves a Christ follower. The women of course are subservient to the men. They follow their lead, and when they don’t, it is because the man wasn’t worthy of following. There is no admonishment of women who nag and brow beat their husband, though proverbs is full of admonishments of this kind of behavior. The modern Church has became a Dr. Phil session every Sunday for evangelicals, and a PHD level lecture on Christian philosophy in more tradional churches. Taking a non politically correct stand on anything other than homosexuality (and that is a stretch in many churches) is simply off limits.

I am angry because I am unable to protect my family. The jack booted thugs of our society have displaced me, and if given the word, they will beat me and take me away. I have no option other than that which my wife allows me. I have no fatherly rights without her allowing it. Our world has been turned on its head. The patriarchy protected women, first by allowing the men responsible for them to do so first. The patriarchy allowed men to be men and women to be women. The matriarchy allows none of that. Women and men must be treated the same in the matriarchy, and when men have an advantage simply by being men, they are to be held back by rules that shift the scales. The shift hardly ever actually balances the scales, it usually tips the scales the other way.

What good is the anger? Anger is the fuel for male change. Men will use the anger to fight for the rights that have been taken from them. Men will use the anger to fight for other men who need their help. Men will use the anger to counter their desire for what is normal, and right, because they can’t achieve that in the modern world. The anger protects them, and allows them to not give up. Too many men have found themselves feeling so out of control of their world that they seek the peace they can find in death. As men realize they are not alone in this horror, I pray that we see fewer suicides from these men, and that we come together to fight the war that some say has already been lost.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

The Power of Women

HeligKo

“Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.”
– Samuel Johnson

The wisdom of this man was spoken in the 1700s. Samuel Johnson saw the pitfalls of the society we live in now. I have always understood that the founding fathers saw that women had their power in the family. They had their say and influence with the men who voted. It constructed a natural balance. The problem is our society is not concerned with balance, we are concerned with fairness and most of all equality of outcomes. The natural consequence of giving women so much legal power as we have now is for us to have an equality of outcomes, we have to limit people to the lowest outcome available. As we try to limit outcomes, there are those that will still find ways to excel in society either by sidetracking all the pitfalls designed to stop or slow down the majority, and those who find a way to become the gatekeepers so they can ensure they are taken care of. Then there is the prickly affair of some people just work harder than others. The gatekeepers constantly find ways to give away their results to someone who doesn’t work as hard. As time goes on, there become protected classes of people. Now that we have protected classes, and women are one of them, and as the quote says above, we end up with a giant problem. This is where the United States lies now.

What power did nature give women? They have the power to give life. Men were designed to desire to protect women. They have an emotional intuition that allows them to manipulate men without hardly trying. They put out chemicals that make men stupid with desire. Men are designed to care for and protect women. The balance makes it a fair trade to not give women legal power, because they have the power to manipulate their men. The men in turn in their desire to protect will have to balance how to go. Whether to respond to the women or to protect them. Some of this is simply the changes in the brain that happen when sex is determined. A man’s brain is split down the hemispheres. They literally think with the emotional and creative side completely separate from the logical side. Women don’t have this. Their emotional and logical thinking are intertwined. This explains a lot of the differences. It is also why men respond to their women, and then with some time to think about it can determine a logical response in law to the thing they emotionally responded to. The mistake most men make is to believe that women are illogical. They are not. They simply have their logic intertwined with their emotions. They can be just as tactical and cunning as a man. The motives and manifestations of this between men and women are discrete. This again is why we should seek balance, not some form of equality. In the modern world we do not have that. Lucky men have found women who desire that, and who will allow that balance to exist, even though there is no enforcement of it under the law. It will be interesting to see where the world goes from here. I don’t have high hopes for my children, but it is my job to train them to be both prepared for the world they will face, and to train them on how they can be good human beings regardless of the world they will face.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

What’s So Bad

HeligKo
73/365 - Snap snap

Sorry for the somewhat chaotic thoughts last night. I was tired and just needed to dump some of my thoughts. One of the points that I was trying to get at is that there is no separation of parties in a divorce with children. We will forever be linked by the children. While the children are minors we talk nearly daily. The conversations haven’t changed much that we have, but now they happen over the phone instead of face to face. My life is not that different now than it was before. I take care of my children. I see them almost every day, because there are four children, and she isn’t able to get them where they need to be and still hang out at the gym without my help. Again no big change here. When the kids are with me, I usually make it work without her help. I don’t want to deal with any complaints about her needing time for this or that. There were plenty of nights that this was true before. The changes in my life are that I seek out some friendships that I wasn’t able to maintain when we were together. She prevented me from having a social life. She still tries, but its harder for her to do this now. I now have sex pretty much whenever I desire it and have time for it. Not that I am going out to find some whorish woman at a bar. I have been surprised by the women who approached me after my separation started. Of course before our separation, I hadn’t had sex in over a year, because I was a married man, and I took vows that said I wouldn’t do that, even though she saw no need to live out that part of marriage with me. I may not be divorced yet, but we are not living as man and wife, and I won’t pretend that after her violating our vows multiple times to the point where she leaves me, I no longer will act like a married man. I am certain that I should have thrown her out long ago. I should have seen this day coming. I honored my vows to the detriment of my marriage. A paradox that remains unsolvable.

Now what was so bad. I went to work, and made good money. I loved my kids, and cared for them whenever I was with them. I loved my wife, even though she treated me with contempt most of our marriage. Aren’t these all things that should have made a marriage work. I was the protector of the family in many cases where I had to make a strong stand for their well being. So where did I go wrong? Why could I not keep my wife? I am not asking why would I want to keep my wife. There were few good reasons beyond the children left. Her contempt was disgusting and selfish. It was escalated to force me to leave her, and when that did not work her contempt grew, and she finally left. Raising the kids is harder now. Having time to myself is more abundant, but I have less control of when now, and so does she. Finances are harder now. Trusting is harder now. I expect that is true for her to. Not that I have broken trusts, but that her own ability to do so must make her distrust others, and expect that they too will handle the her trust in the same way. The thing I lost that hurts the most is the dream of growing old with someone, and sharing the good and bad times. This may sound ridiculous, but you have to understand I never disliked my wife, and she never showed that she disliked me. I would have been happy to be with someone forever, even if there was not one ounce of romance in the relationship. I know this might be strange, but it is true.

So the paradox is, I lost her because I kept her. With her very first breaking of the vows, I should have tossed her. At the time we had our boys as foster children. We had not adopted yet. We had a dog and a small house. We had very little debt, and it would have been easy. I believed the Christian propaganda that holding on to the marriage was valuable. The truth is holding on to a bad deal is not valuable, and it will end eventually. Sure I have my honor. I kept my vows, even when I had the chance to break them without being found out. That honor means nothing to me right now. I should have tossed her. The truth is that is the only way I could have kept her. You see I never made her value the marriage. I never made her understand the significance of her actions. I also failed to protect the pussy, and then was willing to accept it again without making her regret giving away what was mine. I had never been cheated on before. I had no idea how to handle it. I also wasn’t promiscuous, so the whole sexual value system was not in my mind. I was used to women wanting my attention, and not having to work hard for dates, but since sex was not what my end goal was, I really never thought about these things. So what I did is allow her to give up the goods to another man with little consequence. Ultimately this conveyed that she was not valued. It took ten years for that to destroy what we had. I don’t know that she would have tried to keep what we had if I had tossed her. That is precisely why I didn’t, but now I regret that decision. I will count it as wisdom learned to share with my sons and any other man I encounter who needs it.

My final thoughts come to this. Women if you value your marriage, don’t toss him if he cheats once. That is not the price that will make a man value you. As a matter of fact, do not punish him at all. Give him a pass fairly quickly, and show him that you value him with your increased attention. Not desperate, strings attached, please stay kind of attention, but the kind of attention that shows that you value him for his masculinity. That is the thing most men are seeking when they cheat. That is for time one. After that, if you take care of him and he continues to wander, give him the boot.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Men, Women and Communication

HeligKo
Communication

Recently as I was reading through my favorite blogs, I was reading some stuff by Susan Walsh at Hooking Up Smart. I was struck by the stats she was providing. Women rarely listed communication as a reason for divorce, but men did. I have been hammered over the years that men don’t communicate well, and that women do, but then I read this and wonder. I know that in my own experience I was told I didn’t communicate well, but was constantly frustrated that my ideas weren’t being heard. I have come to the conclusion that we often mistake communicating well with communicating more. Women without a doubt communicate more. Sometimes this is substantiave and valuable, but it is not just because they are communicating something that makes it so. The fact that men are reporting communication as a problem tells me that the men aren’t feeling like they are being heard. Women please take note that for solid communication, you must not only be heard, but hear what is being said to you. This is especially true if you believe your marriage is suffering right now.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Hawaii Five-O on Divorce

HeligKo
#1319 Hawaii Five-O tie-up with police

Before Christmas I was catching up on some TV and was struck by a comment a female character on the show Hawaii Five-O said. Danno was driving with his female partner. She was a fairly new character, and so they didn’t know each other well. He was fiddling with his ring finger as he drove. She said something along the lines of “So, how long.” He didn’t understand the question, so she explained “You were rubbing where your wedding ring used to be. All divorced men do that when they are thinking about their marriage. So, how long has it been.” The conversation went on briefly, and her comment towards the end floored me. “Men just don’t seem to understand that marriages end.” This seems like such a simple comment, but it really does define where our culture is right now. She said it with an attitude that seemed to say that men are the stupid ones in this. That comment demonstrates two points in our culture right now. One, that women don’t view marriage as a life long commitment. Two, that men are foolish for seeing it as one. The second point I write with both sarcasm and sincerity. We are foolish for believing it is forever, because the majority of marriages don’t last forever. The problem is, it is supposed to be, and a man who enters into marriage generally has weighed the losses of getting married, and judged that the value of this life long commitment is worth the cost. Most would not make the same judgement when viewing it as a long term relationship stage with a ceremony for the express purpose of feeding the ego of the bride at a tremendous cost to the couple or their parents. Because the costs of divorce rarely are apparent to the women, they don’t view marriage as something more than a long term deal to have some kids without dishonor, and maybe enjoy the fruits of a mans labor for as long as they can, even after the marriage is over. I make no claim that women don’t pay a cost. Its an extreme cost, and one that the shallow view of marriage and divorce does not make apparent to them without spending some time looking around them. Most divorced women suffer financially over time, because the same short sighted view of marriage invades other parts of their life, and they tend not to plan for the future financially. The men who they left have fewer resources most of the time, yet they start to worry immediately about the next month, year, 5 years, and so on. They may flounder initially, but start to flourish again. They then have learned to live on a budget that is stunted by child support and maintenance, and when those payments are complete, they are able to turn that money directly towards investments and savings. They may be starting late, but are able to invest at a higher rate late in life to make up for it. The women on the other hand will have to deal with the fact that the money they used to rely on is gone, and if they fail to reduce their lifestyle they go bankrupt. The short sighted view of the women who view marriage this way also fails to account for the fact that these men are fathers to their children, and they will be in their life whether they like it or not. Most men in unloving marriages make the decision along the way that it is better to find a working relationship inside marriage than to divorce because of this. They take a long view.

We are at a crossroads. As time goes on marriage is unlikely to survive. Men don’t seek temporary long term relationships the way women have designed them. They will opt out of marriage, rather than deal with women who won’t honor their promises. Men don’t want a marriage that has been stripped of its meaning. Unless marriage can be turned back into something that people choose to end only in the most dire circumstances, then marriage will have shot its final shot in the west. I fear that this will be the end of the western world as well.

Ten-Foured,

JeD