Month: February 2012

Why Are Men Getting Angry

HeligKo
12 HOMENS E UMA SENTEN?A

Over at Dalrock – a case for anger there is a lively discussion over why MRAs/MGTOWs that have given up on American women are so angry over the things they see, because they aren’t the victim. There are so many good comments, you should go over and check it out.

Why am I angry. I am angry at the fact I am at the complete mercy of my wife. I am angry that as a Christian man I was called to be the leader of my house, but the modern feminist thinking that has infiltrated the church has women ruling the house, while showing absolute contempt for their men that don’t lead. Men are told that they are the problem. It doesn’t matter what the problem, its their fault in the family. If they had their act together, then their wife would be happy, their kids would be well behaved, and they would have plenty of money. The modern church has no compassion for its own men. The Bible is full of men who fail in every way. God used them. He held them up as models for us. These are the men we are to look at as our heroes, yet the modern man is not supposed to have their failing, their egos, or their masculinity. The modern man is supposed to have learned the lessons that some of these men took more than a century to learn the moment we declare ourselves a Christ follower. The women of course are subservient to the men. They follow their lead, and when they don’t, it is because the man wasn’t worthy of following. There is no admonishment of women who nag and brow beat their husband, though proverbs is full of admonishments of this kind of behavior. The modern Church has became a Dr. Phil session every Sunday for evangelicals, and a PHD level lecture on Christian philosophy in more tradional churches. Taking a non politically correct stand on anything other than homosexuality (and that is a stretch in many churches) is simply off limits.

I am angry because I am unable to protect my family. The jack booted thugs of our society have displaced me, and if given the word, they will beat me and take me away. I have no option other than that which my wife allows me. I have no fatherly rights without her allowing it. Our world has been turned on its head. The patriarchy protected women, first by allowing the men responsible for them to do so first. The patriarchy allowed men to be men and women to be women. The matriarchy allows none of that. Women and men must be treated the same in the matriarchy, and when men have an advantage simply by being men, they are to be held back by rules that shift the scales. The shift hardly ever actually balances the scales, it usually tips the scales the other way.

What good is the anger? Anger is the fuel for male change. Men will use the anger to fight for the rights that have been taken from them. Men will use the anger to fight for other men who need their help. Men will use the anger to counter their desire for what is normal, and right, because they can’t achieve that in the modern world. The anger protects them, and allows them to not give up. Too many men have found themselves feeling so out of control of their world that they seek the peace they can find in death. As men realize they are not alone in this horror, I pray that we see fewer suicides from these men, and that we come together to fight the war that some say has already been lost.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Raising My Kids Part Time

HeligKo
Daddy's Girls

Separation and divorce means I lose the every morning and every night influence on my kids. No matter how much I make sure I am available, half the time the kids aren’t going to bed under my roof and waking there. I hate it. I hate everything about it. At their mom’s house, she is much more likely to hand them off to the neighbor who’s fifth grade daughter already knows how to create sexual tension in a room. They are allowed to fight with each other in terrible ways. They are encouraged to tear each other down, and act like the parent to each other. When they come to my house, I have to deprogram them from this, and it is becoming harder and harder. I hope that the resistance that I feel now from them is the top of the hill, but I guess that it is not. I have to deal with her trying to medicate my oldest, because he is a tough kid. I am frustrated beyond anything I can understand, and I hate it. I have lost the right to daily influence of them. Not by my own actions, but because she decided that she didn’t want to be married to me. A year ago she asked me “Did my character change just because I don’t want to be married to you?” My answer was “Either that or I misjudged it from the beginning.” I am sure that I misjudged it now. I am sorry for my kids that this is the case. I am sorry because we adopted three kids, and I could have stopped that when I first saw the problems, but instead I assumed it was momentary weakness on her part, not a character flaw. I am sorry because we then had a child of our own. I do not regret that child, but I would do anything to protect her from what is happening now. It is my fault that we are here, not because of my actions, but my inaction. I could have stopped things when she proved herself unworthy of my love, and unworthy of my loyalty. I bought the Christian line that staying was noble. It was not. It was the path to raising my kids part time. Now I have to do all I can to raise them right, and let them know they are loved every day when I only have a right to see them half of the days.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Flipped It, and Some new Epiphanies

HeligKo
Flipped His Lid

A couple of weeks ago I went to a friends birthday party. This is a man I have worked with for most of the last 12 years. There was a break in the middle, but we still hung out from time to time. We enjoy working together, hanging out, and arguing aggressively. I was talking with his wife, and she told me that my wife had called about the party a couple of days earlier. These are friends that we both spent time with. She was complaining that she couldn’t go to the party, because I would be there. She was told it was fine, that there would be enough people there that it wouldn’t matter, and that was true. Then my wife complained further that I was bringing a guest. His wife again, said so what if he is, but I hadn’t told her that. She also asked what did she expect would happen when she left me. The conversation went on, and she told my friends wife that every time she sees me, I have hickies. Now I admit that this happened once early in the split, and I had a mark she accused me of having a hicky one other time, but it wasn’t. She said she didn’t care, but just wanted to know who it was, but again she didn’t care. Of course I didn’t bring anyone, why would I to a party of a friend who always had beautiful women around.

About a week later, I had dinner with these friends. They told me some things I didn’t know from when me and my wife were together. There was a time my wife was going out with some women who were actively destroying their marriages. I knew from a slip up in anger that my mom had confronted her about this. I did not know that my friend’s wife had as well. Well at the time I was carrying her water, and wanted to believe that she was there to keep her friends out of trouble, and besides she often would come home drunk, and we would fuck. Something that rarely happened during that time in our marriage, or anytime for that matter. She also told me that she remembered a conversation one morning they had. She had just finished sending her husband off to work, and had fixed him a special breakfast for no reason and packed his lunch. My wife complained that I never took my lunch, and she suggested that my wife pack my lunch. Her response was, “He can pack his own damn lunch.” My friend’s wife told her that she was destroying our marriage. Her lack of desire to serve me in any way, and continually complain about my actions while doing nothing to encourage me to behave differently was destructive. Now my actions do not encompass things that were destructive to the marriage, they were things like eating out at lunch most days. My friends wife also challenged her that instead of continually harassing me about getting a promotion, that perhaps my wife should go back to work as a skilled nurse, especially since she insisted on having a cleaning lady, the kids were all in school, and she didn’t really cook most of the time. That evening my eyes were opened to two things. First, I had good friends, better than I knew. They stuck up for me and the marriage I so wanted even without my knowing. Second, that my wife was never on a track of happiness in marriage. She didn’t understand that the test of marriage was to love the other person without needing reciprocation, and when their partner does the same, we grow as people and as a couple.

So how did I flip it on her. Well she was declaring by leaving that she believed that she outranked me in the relationship. That she was more desirable than I was, and she was. She was because she was on the market and she was married, and I was not on the market and was married. Once she moved out, she fell in the sex rank category, because she was now a single mom of four kids in her forties and not slim. I moved up, because I was on the market, in good shape, and a single dad of four kids. Strange how these things work, but I can find a woman pretty quick. With or without them knowing any of the details. My self esteem went up quickly, and with that women came to. She thought I would be alone all the time, and she would have the men she wanted. The truth is I have the women I want, when I want them, and short of some sex, the men aren’t there for her. I am excited about my future as I mourn the demise of the dream of being married once and forever to someone to grow old with. The truth is I never had that. She would never have been a woman that would have endured. I know because I have seen it, that its not a fairy tale, but it is a a fairly odd tale for a man and woman to live out their years growing closer and closer as their youth fades. At least in this day and age.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Comparing Notes

HeligKo
Comparing Notes

The other night I sat down with a co-worker. A man I have worked with for 10 years. Unlike me he is initiating his divorce, but the realities of our marriage were very similar. As I have explored the mess that was my marriage, I have come to the conclusion that my wife has a borderline personality. Obviously she has not be diagnosed with a disorder, so I will not go so far as say she has one. As I read about other men’s experiences, I have noticed that there are a lot of these women around, and they are destroying their marriages left and right. I have come to the conclusion that our society in the west allows women to behave in this way. It may not be that there are so many disordered people, but that we actually encourage this kind of bad behavior. My co-worker and I had so many similar experiences in our marriages. The differences in the women were stark. My wife is very bright and engaging. His wife is not very smart, and lacks social skills. My wife was attractive and although having weight issues has remained attractive to this day. His wife after losing her youthful appearance is not very attractive. My wife comes from a family that had massive turmoil growing up. His wife came from a stable Catholic background. There is very little that ties these women together, but they behaved in much the same way. I am beginning to suspect that we have created these beasts. I also am starting to believe that the cure is the MRA and MGTOW crowd. I believe this not because they are 100% right, but because they strip these women of the power to behave so badly. I am glad to have a comrade in arms as I go through this. I am sad that each of us has 4 children who are the main victims of what is happening. I say this because I feel relief in her leaving. He challenged his wife, and tried to get her to wake up to the issues, and now feels relief in divorce, yet still says divorce sucks. I will continue to blog on my life and my epiphanies, and the things that get me riled, if for no other reason than it helps me process what is going on. I do believe that some man hurting somewhere and sometime from now will find my story and it will help him do the same. I know many of the blogs I have read have kept me from diving into the feminist driven I am a complete failure of a man for not satisfying every need of my woman funk.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Remember When

HeligKo
I remember When

This weekend was a hell of a weekend. I went out with some high school friends. We heard a band, and I at some point went from drinking to way to fucking drunk. I haven’t done that in a long time. Not sure what happened after the piece of pizza. I know that I was pulling idiots off the stage who were messing with the band. Not sure why someone didn’t deck me. I guess the shiny head still intimidates people enough to think twice. Friday night started with a flat tire on the way to my soccer game. I was going to pick up my boys to watch me play. I didn’t make it there. I got the tire fixed before this night on the town.

Saturday morning I headed out to see the boys play soccer at 8AM. My car just died. The idiot me the night before forgot to bring in my phone. It was dead, and not fairing well on the car charger. It was cold. Like 10 degrees cold. I got the car into a parking lot, and managed to slip a text out to my wife as the phone lost its mind. She knew I was not making it to the game. Since the phone wasn’t working, I started to walk. I walked to my parents house. Of course they weren’t home. I then walked home. It was a 6 mile walk in bitter cold. I felt horrible when I got home. I had not dressed for that walk. I couldn’t get warm, I was exhausted from the walk and the night before. My wife came by with the boys to get some shoes. She was pissed, and stomping around. She just kept saying that if I had answered my phone she would have helped. She wouldn’t believe that my phone was dead. She had weaved her story and didn’t want it changed. She had made my boys believe that I didn’t go to their game, because I was lazy and didn’t want to get up. She made everyone believe that at the game. My kids, the other families as if it were any of their fucking business. I had to spend my morning Sunday explaining to all of them what had happened.

I was reminded of how in the past I would have accepted her story, and wove mine around hers. I would do this to avoid the fight, and to avoid embarrassing her. It was one of the ways she would isolate and embarrass me. It was incredibly strange seeing this from a new perspective. Thank goodness I was exhausted, and just wanted to figure out my car and go to sleep. I didn’t respond to her at all. This totally threw her off balance, and so she had to find a place of certainty again, so she begins to agree with me, and let me lead with things regarding the kids for the next few days without any argument. I don’t know that I understand her psychosis, but I am learning how to manage it for my advantage, now if only I can figure out how use that for my kids advantage, or teach them the same thing.

It is in these hard times, that my family steps in and helps. They never did before, because they had been isolated from me by my wife. It these times that I realize how bad things were, and how beat down I was. I still have a hard time understanding how I got there. It is so different than how I was before, and how I feel now. When we first got together I had compassion for her, and the things that had been hard in her life. I now have contempt, because she has used those things, which were very hard to manipulate me and others to be put under her will. It is sad. So many people who have wanted to lift her up, and help her, and she has abused that every step of the way. Not this guy anymore.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Breath of Fresh Air

HeligKo
Breathe Deeply

As I said before. I met a woman that is a breath of fresh air. Of course my expectations are different. I am not looking for a wife. I am looking for the finer things women have to offer without the mess. I don’t know that its possible, but I am willing to try. She is 14 years older than me. This of course presents many long term issues, but for now it nice. She has a different perspective than the women of my generation. She lived out the hard times. She doesn’t throw a lot of bullshit my way. There just doesn’t seem to be the games that I have had to deal with in the past, so either she is running a much more complex game, and I am toast or I have met someone that at least for the time being is going to be engaging to get to know and enjoy some time with her.

She gives me hope that things are totally ruined between men and women. The culture is a mess, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t navigate it without dropping out. At least I hope so. I think marriage is broken beyond repair. I don’t believe that it can be fixed. Now its time for us men to create a new deal. What does that look like? I think first is we have to preserve a distance. We can’t move in or have them move in. To eliminate our own spaces is death like modern marriage. Pretty soon the laws treats it the same anyway. We need to have strong boundaries in our financial, personal, and love life. We can’t let the modern woman invade to deeply, or at least not too quickly. The commitment levels are just not what is needed to make it worth the potential costs. It used to be a man knew that he was getting someone who would stick by him through the worst of things in marriage, but now it is until she has become bored and bled you of your emotional self worth. This is not what men thought they were getting, but they must understand most women get married believing they have an escape hatch.

I guess this is why a widow is attractive to me. Not a cougar, though she might be one, but a woman who stood by her husband until he died. Still looked at him as her strong man, even when he was weak and dying. This is what has drawn me to this woman. Now I must be cautious, because I am not that man to her. I will see where life takes me, but I don’t plan on this being a solo ride. I don’t want to give up the greater things women have to offer me. It is just time to think of these relationships differently than before.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

The Power of Women

HeligKo

“Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.”
– Samuel Johnson

The wisdom of this man was spoken in the 1700s. Samuel Johnson saw the pitfalls of the society we live in now. I have always understood that the founding fathers saw that women had their power in the family. They had their say and influence with the men who voted. It constructed a natural balance. The problem is our society is not concerned with balance, we are concerned with fairness and most of all equality of outcomes. The natural consequence of giving women so much legal power as we have now is for us to have an equality of outcomes, we have to limit people to the lowest outcome available. As we try to limit outcomes, there are those that will still find ways to excel in society either by sidetracking all the pitfalls designed to stop or slow down the majority, and those who find a way to become the gatekeepers so they can ensure they are taken care of. Then there is the prickly affair of some people just work harder than others. The gatekeepers constantly find ways to give away their results to someone who doesn’t work as hard. As time goes on, there become protected classes of people. Now that we have protected classes, and women are one of them, and as the quote says above, we end up with a giant problem. This is where the United States lies now.

What power did nature give women? They have the power to give life. Men were designed to desire to protect women. They have an emotional intuition that allows them to manipulate men without hardly trying. They put out chemicals that make men stupid with desire. Men are designed to care for and protect women. The balance makes it a fair trade to not give women legal power, because they have the power to manipulate their men. The men in turn in their desire to protect will have to balance how to go. Whether to respond to the women or to protect them. Some of this is simply the changes in the brain that happen when sex is determined. A man’s brain is split down the hemispheres. They literally think with the emotional and creative side completely separate from the logical side. Women don’t have this. Their emotional and logical thinking are intertwined. This explains a lot of the differences. It is also why men respond to their women, and then with some time to think about it can determine a logical response in law to the thing they emotionally responded to. The mistake most men make is to believe that women are illogical. They are not. They simply have their logic intertwined with their emotions. They can be just as tactical and cunning as a man. The motives and manifestations of this between men and women are discrete. This again is why we should seek balance, not some form of equality. In the modern world we do not have that. Lucky men have found women who desire that, and who will allow that balance to exist, even though there is no enforcement of it under the law. It will be interesting to see where the world goes from here. I don’t have high hopes for my children, but it is my job to train them to be both prepared for the world they will face, and to train them on how they can be good human beings regardless of the world they will face.

Ten-Foured,

JeD