Category: My Story

These make up my story. How I got where I am, and my reflections on it.

None Of It Matters

HeligKo
Aghori

I have been thinking a lot lately about the things my wife told me when she said she wanted a divorce. As I said before, she gave me a laundry list of things that was wrong with me, that needed to change for her to stay. She had been challenged by her sister to give me a chance, so she told her she would. Her tactic was to pick a fight with me, and almost guarantee that I would not do anything different. Of course when I did change some things, I was told it was too little too late.

What horrible things could I have done to have her so firmly planted on leaving me, you might ask. Well I chew tobacco, have since I was 12, and never hid it from her. This of course was also an excuse to not kiss me after we got married. I was careful to make sure that I chewed gum, and brushed my teeth often to ensure that she would not be impacted by a stray piece of tobacco or the flavor. For the first few years, I never chewed around her, until I figured out it didn’t matter. I also very rarely did loads of laundry. This was a constant complaint with her. Of course the early years of our marriage she was so particular that I couldn’t get it right if I tried, and she just did mine. When we had kids, she was a stay at home mom. I always helped fold the laundry when the kids were in bed, and she was folding. I also didn’t get up with the kids in the morning often. I am not a morning person. I will admit that freely. She would wake up at the first noise, and I would not. She would get them ready for school, and poor the milk in their cereal, because the Lord knows she didn’t cook. From the time we had kids, I took over parenting when I got home. I would take care of all their needs, bath them, and put them to bed. When we had foster babies that needed to be fed in the middle of the night, I would stay up and do that, so she wouldn’t have to wake up and try to go back to sleep. Oh, and of course the kicker of all kickers. I rarely went to bed at the same time as her, and never got credit for doing so when I did. There were a lot of reasons for this. For first year of our marriage she worked nights, then I was in school and studying, then I had an IT job that required me to do much of my work in the middle of the night. When I did go to bed with her, she rarely wanted to be touched, or would complain that all I wanted was sex when I touched her.

None it matters. These were excuses. She actively rejected me getting up with the kids, doing laundry, and going to bed with her. I stopped chewing, but have started again. I enjoy it, and her opinion doesn’t count anymore. She would nit pick what I did in the morning with the kids, and complain about something every morning. She would get mad that I didn’t do the laundry exactly like she did. She would stay up long after I went to bed. None of it mattered. These were truly small things. The big thing was the rationalization hamster kept giving her more reasons to leave. It had found another man that would replace me, if only she could get rid of me. Ha, the joke is on her. That man ran away before they ever were able to get together, because she left me. He didn’t mind being the side guy, but a boyfriend for a middle aged woman with 4 kids, yea right. I had beat myself up over not doing these simple things. Of course these were the few things she did around the house. I did most of the cleaning, and all of the repairs and outside work. I also did most of the cooking. I mean actual cooking, where ingredients are bought and combined to make food, not just heated up to eat. She was fairly worthless.

Why do I reflect on this? What purpose does it serve? Well I spent a lot of time beating myself up for these things. I had to realize that none of it mattered. Once she opened Pandora’s Box by using the word divorce, there is no way to put it away. Game over. Anything she did from there on out was rationalizing her decision. The first time that word was used, was years before she said she wanted a divorce. Capitulating to her demands makes me weak. Not meeting her demands justifies her decision. Either way I lose. What it demonstrates is that she has no idea what love and marriage is all about. Its not about her. It should have been about me to her, and her to me. Self sacrifice for the betterment of your partner. That’s the deal in marriage, and the trust comes from seeing your partner do this for you. Its not hard to sacrifice for someone who is sacrificing for you. You don’t have to worry about your benefit, because your partner is. Sadly this is not what marriage was for me. I have seen it. My parents practiced it, and when they didn’t do it together, one was doing it for the other. It always came back around over the years to the other one. They were never worried about the fairness of the deal, or gaining advantage over each other. If your wife talks about divorce even in passing, prepare for divorce. Its only a matter of time. She is beginning to let that hamster run.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Can Smell the Change Coming

HeligKo
Day Three: Something Smells Rotten . . .

Its in the air. I can tell by her demeanor, she is up to something. Probably not anything nefarious, but something I am having a hard time facing. She is about to file for divorce. This isn’t so bad. I don’t trust her. I can’t stay married to her. I wouldn’t consider reconciliation, because I know that we would be back where we are now in a few years, and doing it twice would wreck the kids more than I can imaging. I don’t love her anymore, because I can’t. We don’t work anymore, because the bond was broken by her. It happened some time ago, but the final rip of the tape off my hairy arm was her moving out. This I have said before. Up until that point I would consider reconciling with her. I would say I would now, but the truth is the hill she has to climb is so insurmountable, I don’t believe she can do it. So why does it bother me. There are a few things.

The first is this is the final severing of the bond I entered into for a lifetime. I have to acknowledge once and for all that she did not enter into that bond with the same expectations. I have to acknowledge that I was lied to, and somewhere deep down I knew that. I wanted so badly to be married, and I loved this woman. I wanted it to be her. I have come to terms with this multiple times. Emotionally it rears its head again and again. The basic thing I must always remember is that I have control of one person in this world, and that is me. I entered into the bonds of marriage for it to be forever, and I never saw an escape hatch. That she did not enter into marriage to forsake all others forever and ever is not my problem.

The second is the loss of control. Right now things are pretty good. Is she going to try and change the playing field through divorce, or is she going to leave things as they are. Until we have it on paper and agreed upon, I won’t know for sure. I hope that she deals with me fairly and honestly, and with honor, but how can I believe that she will until she does. The very act of divorcing me is dishonorable. Time will tell.

the third is like the second. We will at some point have to allow the judge to rule. He may or may not accept the terms that we have determined are favorable for both of us. I hate that we as adults can’t come to a decision without a third party interjecting itself into the mix. I have to say that this bothers me on so many levels. The judge is acting for the state, not as a neutral party in divorce. He is trying to ensure the state won’t incur further costs do to our actions before it is evident that will happen. This is probably not legal under our laws, but they have been granted tremendous lea way in these matters.

The fourth is a bit more esoteric. I don’t want to be the divorced guy. I have spent my life in Christian circles with happily married couples. I don’t want to be that guy. I know that guy. People feel sorry for that guy, and he is invited, so he won’t be alone. All this is great for that guy, but I don’t want to be him. I would almost rather not be alone at the bar. I am never alone at the bar for very long.

One of my daughters had a birthday on Friday. She was at her mom’s place. Thursday, I stayed over late at her house and worked on some homework with my oldest son. I saw her anger and his anger collide. I saw it with fresh eyes. I hated it. It made me sad. I was exhausted when I left. I had dinner with my daughters earlier that night. It was nice, but a poor substitute for waking up with her in the morning. I was the Watchdog at her school for her birthday. That was great, but the night before, I went home and folded laundry while getting a fire going outside. I opened up the Captain Morgain Private Stock and drank. As I drank I began to cry. I never got drunk, but I needed the liquor to loosen me up and cry. I cried because I would not see my daughter wake up to her present in the morning. I cried because my son and my wife can’t seem to get it together, and I can’t help in many direct ways. I cried because my wife wants to drug my son into submission, and will probably win that battle, at least initially. I cried for the death of my marriage.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Why Are Men Getting Angry

HeligKo
12 HOMENS E UMA SENTEN?A

Over at Dalrock – a case for anger there is a lively discussion over why MRAs/MGTOWs that have given up on American women are so angry over the things they see, because they aren’t the victim. There are so many good comments, you should go over and check it out.

Why am I angry. I am angry at the fact I am at the complete mercy of my wife. I am angry that as a Christian man I was called to be the leader of my house, but the modern feminist thinking that has infiltrated the church has women ruling the house, while showing absolute contempt for their men that don’t lead. Men are told that they are the problem. It doesn’t matter what the problem, its their fault in the family. If they had their act together, then their wife would be happy, their kids would be well behaved, and they would have plenty of money. The modern church has no compassion for its own men. The Bible is full of men who fail in every way. God used them. He held them up as models for us. These are the men we are to look at as our heroes, yet the modern man is not supposed to have their failing, their egos, or their masculinity. The modern man is supposed to have learned the lessons that some of these men took more than a century to learn the moment we declare ourselves a Christ follower. The women of course are subservient to the men. They follow their lead, and when they don’t, it is because the man wasn’t worthy of following. There is no admonishment of women who nag and brow beat their husband, though proverbs is full of admonishments of this kind of behavior. The modern Church has became a Dr. Phil session every Sunday for evangelicals, and a PHD level lecture on Christian philosophy in more tradional churches. Taking a non politically correct stand on anything other than homosexuality (and that is a stretch in many churches) is simply off limits.

I am angry because I am unable to protect my family. The jack booted thugs of our society have displaced me, and if given the word, they will beat me and take me away. I have no option other than that which my wife allows me. I have no fatherly rights without her allowing it. Our world has been turned on its head. The patriarchy protected women, first by allowing the men responsible for them to do so first. The patriarchy allowed men to be men and women to be women. The matriarchy allows none of that. Women and men must be treated the same in the matriarchy, and when men have an advantage simply by being men, they are to be held back by rules that shift the scales. The shift hardly ever actually balances the scales, it usually tips the scales the other way.

What good is the anger? Anger is the fuel for male change. Men will use the anger to fight for the rights that have been taken from them. Men will use the anger to fight for other men who need their help. Men will use the anger to counter their desire for what is normal, and right, because they can’t achieve that in the modern world. The anger protects them, and allows them to not give up. Too many men have found themselves feeling so out of control of their world that they seek the peace they can find in death. As men realize they are not alone in this horror, I pray that we see fewer suicides from these men, and that we come together to fight the war that some say has already been lost.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Raising My Kids Part Time

HeligKo
Daddy's Girls

Separation and divorce means I lose the every morning and every night influence on my kids. No matter how much I make sure I am available, half the time the kids aren’t going to bed under my roof and waking there. I hate it. I hate everything about it. At their mom’s house, she is much more likely to hand them off to the neighbor who’s fifth grade daughter already knows how to create sexual tension in a room. They are allowed to fight with each other in terrible ways. They are encouraged to tear each other down, and act like the parent to each other. When they come to my house, I have to deprogram them from this, and it is becoming harder and harder. I hope that the resistance that I feel now from them is the top of the hill, but I guess that it is not. I have to deal with her trying to medicate my oldest, because he is a tough kid. I am frustrated beyond anything I can understand, and I hate it. I have lost the right to daily influence of them. Not by my own actions, but because she decided that she didn’t want to be married to me. A year ago she asked me “Did my character change just because I don’t want to be married to you?” My answer was “Either that or I misjudged it from the beginning.” I am sure that I misjudged it now. I am sorry for my kids that this is the case. I am sorry because we adopted three kids, and I could have stopped that when I first saw the problems, but instead I assumed it was momentary weakness on her part, not a character flaw. I am sorry because we then had a child of our own. I do not regret that child, but I would do anything to protect her from what is happening now. It is my fault that we are here, not because of my actions, but my inaction. I could have stopped things when she proved herself unworthy of my love, and unworthy of my loyalty. I bought the Christian line that staying was noble. It was not. It was the path to raising my kids part time. Now I have to do all I can to raise them right, and let them know they are loved every day when I only have a right to see them half of the days.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Flipped It, and Some new Epiphanies

HeligKo
Flipped His Lid

A couple of weeks ago I went to a friends birthday party. This is a man I have worked with for most of the last 12 years. There was a break in the middle, but we still hung out from time to time. We enjoy working together, hanging out, and arguing aggressively. I was talking with his wife, and she told me that my wife had called about the party a couple of days earlier. These are friends that we both spent time with. She was complaining that she couldn’t go to the party, because I would be there. She was told it was fine, that there would be enough people there that it wouldn’t matter, and that was true. Then my wife complained further that I was bringing a guest. His wife again, said so what if he is, but I hadn’t told her that. She also asked what did she expect would happen when she left me. The conversation went on, and she told my friends wife that every time she sees me, I have hickies. Now I admit that this happened once early in the split, and I had a mark she accused me of having a hicky one other time, but it wasn’t. She said she didn’t care, but just wanted to know who it was, but again she didn’t care. Of course I didn’t bring anyone, why would I to a party of a friend who always had beautiful women around.

About a week later, I had dinner with these friends. They told me some things I didn’t know from when me and my wife were together. There was a time my wife was going out with some women who were actively destroying their marriages. I knew from a slip up in anger that my mom had confronted her about this. I did not know that my friend’s wife had as well. Well at the time I was carrying her water, and wanted to believe that she was there to keep her friends out of trouble, and besides she often would come home drunk, and we would fuck. Something that rarely happened during that time in our marriage, or anytime for that matter. She also told me that she remembered a conversation one morning they had. She had just finished sending her husband off to work, and had fixed him a special breakfast for no reason and packed his lunch. My wife complained that I never took my lunch, and she suggested that my wife pack my lunch. Her response was, “He can pack his own damn lunch.” My friend’s wife told her that she was destroying our marriage. Her lack of desire to serve me in any way, and continually complain about my actions while doing nothing to encourage me to behave differently was destructive. Now my actions do not encompass things that were destructive to the marriage, they were things like eating out at lunch most days. My friends wife also challenged her that instead of continually harassing me about getting a promotion, that perhaps my wife should go back to work as a skilled nurse, especially since she insisted on having a cleaning lady, the kids were all in school, and she didn’t really cook most of the time. That evening my eyes were opened to two things. First, I had good friends, better than I knew. They stuck up for me and the marriage I so wanted even without my knowing. Second, that my wife was never on a track of happiness in marriage. She didn’t understand that the test of marriage was to love the other person without needing reciprocation, and when their partner does the same, we grow as people and as a couple.

So how did I flip it on her. Well she was declaring by leaving that she believed that she outranked me in the relationship. That she was more desirable than I was, and she was. She was because she was on the market and she was married, and I was not on the market and was married. Once she moved out, she fell in the sex rank category, because she was now a single mom of four kids in her forties and not slim. I moved up, because I was on the market, in good shape, and a single dad of four kids. Strange how these things work, but I can find a woman pretty quick. With or without them knowing any of the details. My self esteem went up quickly, and with that women came to. She thought I would be alone all the time, and she would have the men she wanted. The truth is I have the women I want, when I want them, and short of some sex, the men aren’t there for her. I am excited about my future as I mourn the demise of the dream of being married once and forever to someone to grow old with. The truth is I never had that. She would never have been a woman that would have endured. I know because I have seen it, that its not a fairy tale, but it is a a fairly odd tale for a man and woman to live out their years growing closer and closer as their youth fades. At least in this day and age.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Comparing Notes

HeligKo
Comparing Notes

The other night I sat down with a co-worker. A man I have worked with for 10 years. Unlike me he is initiating his divorce, but the realities of our marriage were very similar. As I have explored the mess that was my marriage, I have come to the conclusion that my wife has a borderline personality. Obviously she has not be diagnosed with a disorder, so I will not go so far as say she has one. As I read about other men’s experiences, I have noticed that there are a lot of these women around, and they are destroying their marriages left and right. I have come to the conclusion that our society in the west allows women to behave in this way. It may not be that there are so many disordered people, but that we actually encourage this kind of bad behavior. My co-worker and I had so many similar experiences in our marriages. The differences in the women were stark. My wife is very bright and engaging. His wife is not very smart, and lacks social skills. My wife was attractive and although having weight issues has remained attractive to this day. His wife after losing her youthful appearance is not very attractive. My wife comes from a family that had massive turmoil growing up. His wife came from a stable Catholic background. There is very little that ties these women together, but they behaved in much the same way. I am beginning to suspect that we have created these beasts. I also am starting to believe that the cure is the MRA and MGTOW crowd. I believe this not because they are 100% right, but because they strip these women of the power to behave so badly. I am glad to have a comrade in arms as I go through this. I am sad that each of us has 4 children who are the main victims of what is happening. I say this because I feel relief in her leaving. He challenged his wife, and tried to get her to wake up to the issues, and now feels relief in divorce, yet still says divorce sucks. I will continue to blog on my life and my epiphanies, and the things that get me riled, if for no other reason than it helps me process what is going on. I do believe that some man hurting somewhere and sometime from now will find my story and it will help him do the same. I know many of the blogs I have read have kept me from diving into the feminist driven I am a complete failure of a man for not satisfying every need of my woman funk.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Remember When

HeligKo
I remember When

This weekend was a hell of a weekend. I went out with some high school friends. We heard a band, and I at some point went from drinking to way to fucking drunk. I haven’t done that in a long time. Not sure what happened after the piece of pizza. I know that I was pulling idiots off the stage who were messing with the band. Not sure why someone didn’t deck me. I guess the shiny head still intimidates people enough to think twice. Friday night started with a flat tire on the way to my soccer game. I was going to pick up my boys to watch me play. I didn’t make it there. I got the tire fixed before this night on the town.

Saturday morning I headed out to see the boys play soccer at 8AM. My car just died. The idiot me the night before forgot to bring in my phone. It was dead, and not fairing well on the car charger. It was cold. Like 10 degrees cold. I got the car into a parking lot, and managed to slip a text out to my wife as the phone lost its mind. She knew I was not making it to the game. Since the phone wasn’t working, I started to walk. I walked to my parents house. Of course they weren’t home. I then walked home. It was a 6 mile walk in bitter cold. I felt horrible when I got home. I had not dressed for that walk. I couldn’t get warm, I was exhausted from the walk and the night before. My wife came by with the boys to get some shoes. She was pissed, and stomping around. She just kept saying that if I had answered my phone she would have helped. She wouldn’t believe that my phone was dead. She had weaved her story and didn’t want it changed. She had made my boys believe that I didn’t go to their game, because I was lazy and didn’t want to get up. She made everyone believe that at the game. My kids, the other families as if it were any of their fucking business. I had to spend my morning Sunday explaining to all of them what had happened.

I was reminded of how in the past I would have accepted her story, and wove mine around hers. I would do this to avoid the fight, and to avoid embarrassing her. It was one of the ways she would isolate and embarrass me. It was incredibly strange seeing this from a new perspective. Thank goodness I was exhausted, and just wanted to figure out my car and go to sleep. I didn’t respond to her at all. This totally threw her off balance, and so she had to find a place of certainty again, so she begins to agree with me, and let me lead with things regarding the kids for the next few days without any argument. I don’t know that I understand her psychosis, but I am learning how to manage it for my advantage, now if only I can figure out how use that for my kids advantage, or teach them the same thing.

It is in these hard times, that my family steps in and helps. They never did before, because they had been isolated from me by my wife. It these times that I realize how bad things were, and how beat down I was. I still have a hard time understanding how I got there. It is so different than how I was before, and how I feel now. When we first got together I had compassion for her, and the things that had been hard in her life. I now have contempt, because she has used those things, which were very hard to manipulate me and others to be put under her will. It is sad. So many people who have wanted to lift her up, and help her, and she has abused that every step of the way. Not this guy anymore.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Breath of Fresh Air

HeligKo
Breathe Deeply

As I said before. I met a woman that is a breath of fresh air. Of course my expectations are different. I am not looking for a wife. I am looking for the finer things women have to offer without the mess. I don’t know that its possible, but I am willing to try. She is 14 years older than me. This of course presents many long term issues, but for now it nice. She has a different perspective than the women of my generation. She lived out the hard times. She doesn’t throw a lot of bullshit my way. There just doesn’t seem to be the games that I have had to deal with in the past, so either she is running a much more complex game, and I am toast or I have met someone that at least for the time being is going to be engaging to get to know and enjoy some time with her.

She gives me hope that things are totally ruined between men and women. The culture is a mess, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t navigate it without dropping out. At least I hope so. I think marriage is broken beyond repair. I don’t believe that it can be fixed. Now its time for us men to create a new deal. What does that look like? I think first is we have to preserve a distance. We can’t move in or have them move in. To eliminate our own spaces is death like modern marriage. Pretty soon the laws treats it the same anyway. We need to have strong boundaries in our financial, personal, and love life. We can’t let the modern woman invade to deeply, or at least not too quickly. The commitment levels are just not what is needed to make it worth the potential costs. It used to be a man knew that he was getting someone who would stick by him through the worst of things in marriage, but now it is until she has become bored and bled you of your emotional self worth. This is not what men thought they were getting, but they must understand most women get married believing they have an escape hatch.

I guess this is why a widow is attractive to me. Not a cougar, though she might be one, but a woman who stood by her husband until he died. Still looked at him as her strong man, even when he was weak and dying. This is what has drawn me to this woman. Now I must be cautious, because I am not that man to her. I will see where life takes me, but I don’t plan on this being a solo ride. I don’t want to give up the greater things women have to offer me. It is just time to think of these relationships differently than before.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

What Is A Man To Do

HeligKo
London - Red Blue

The quandary is this, I love women. Every time I try to quit them, I make it a couple of weeks, and then I am thinking about them again. I like to touch, smell, and taste them. I like to talk to them. Women and men communicate differently. We all know this. The way a woman communicates with a man can be the best and the worst thing in the world. The flip side of this quandary is that as a man, there is not an equal playing ground anymore. There used to be a balance in relationships, but now women have most of the power. They can choose to do good or evil with it. This is why I don’t see another marriage in my future. Marriage is a very attractive thing to me. It is one of the few things I truly desired in life. Its not just what my wife is doing that has turned me against the idea of marriage, but what I see in the culture around us.

I have encountered in the last 6 months two women who are seeking husbands. One was actively doing it, and become way too clingy, and emotionally manipulative in the process. The final blow was her trying to use another man to make me jealous. I am in no position right now for any kind of real commitment, so this didn’t work. Another has accepted that the occasional encounter for dinner, a party, or just some sex is all I really have to offer right now. I know that she wants more, and she is using the sex to keep me around. I don’t mind, and she knows where I stand on things. She isn’t openly seeking a husband, but definitely wants something more. The other problem I have with these women is they aren’t really looking for someone to be a good husband. They want a Dad at their house when they have their kids. I am already a Dad to four kids. In the right circumstances, I might have it in me to be a father to more kids, but that isn’t on the plate right now.

The next problem I have is the women that are left that aren’t looking for these things are older women. I tend to be attracted to older women. Who am I kidding, I am attracted to attractive women. Age isn’t really a factor. Older women tend to be more predatory from what I have seen. They are better at playing the game, but they are also playing for different reasons. Some just want someone to hang out with, and enjoy some passionate times with them. Others are looking for status. This weekend, I did something I have never done. I went to a bar, and left with one of these women. I became really attracted to her as she told me bits of her story. I love stories. I was physically attracted to her as well. We kissed and talked for a couple of hours. It didn’t go any further. She was of course being elusive about her age. She said enough for me to figure out that she was more than ten years older than me. I was intoxicated by her. Who knows if she will accept my calls, or if anything comes of it. My only regret will be if she doesn’t call me, I won’t get to know her. Putting the cart before the horse can have that effect. She said enough that I want to hear the rest of her story. She had been married for 17 years to a man who died of skin cancer. She made it clear that she had never thought of a life without him, that she planned to be married forever. That man was a quite a bit older than her. I would guess that she is attracted to younger men now, because they won’t die on her. I don’t know if an older woman is in my future. I do know that some of the trappings of that is what hurt my marriage. I don’t want another mother in my life, but a woman like this is closer to my mother’s age than mine.

We live in interesting times. For the next 10 plus years, my focus will be raising my kids into adults. I don’t expect that I will keep many women around as they are pushed aside for my children a few too many times. I expect I will have lots of opportunity to explore the different types of women there are out there. I do need to find a couple I can trust to talk to, because that is something I valued from my wife when she listened. The problem was, I found she hardly ever listened.

So readers, as you can tell my whirlpool of emotions regarding women is going to change all the time. I don’t trust them. I want them. I need them. I can go my own way. Ultimately I think I will find one that will come to terms with all that I am feeling as my emotions level out on the subject. I have realized that society is not on my side, and women as a group are a disaster waiting to happen to most men, but that does not mean that the individual women is out to get me in every case. I will just have to wait until I meet one that we can come to the right terms with. If that never happens, then it will be with no regrets.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

What’s So Bad

HeligKo
73/365 - Snap snap

Sorry for the somewhat chaotic thoughts last night. I was tired and just needed to dump some of my thoughts. One of the points that I was trying to get at is that there is no separation of parties in a divorce with children. We will forever be linked by the children. While the children are minors we talk nearly daily. The conversations haven’t changed much that we have, but now they happen over the phone instead of face to face. My life is not that different now than it was before. I take care of my children. I see them almost every day, because there are four children, and she isn’t able to get them where they need to be and still hang out at the gym without my help. Again no big change here. When the kids are with me, I usually make it work without her help. I don’t want to deal with any complaints about her needing time for this or that. There were plenty of nights that this was true before. The changes in my life are that I seek out some friendships that I wasn’t able to maintain when we were together. She prevented me from having a social life. She still tries, but its harder for her to do this now. I now have sex pretty much whenever I desire it and have time for it. Not that I am going out to find some whorish woman at a bar. I have been surprised by the women who approached me after my separation started. Of course before our separation, I hadn’t had sex in over a year, because I was a married man, and I took vows that said I wouldn’t do that, even though she saw no need to live out that part of marriage with me. I may not be divorced yet, but we are not living as man and wife, and I won’t pretend that after her violating our vows multiple times to the point where she leaves me, I no longer will act like a married man. I am certain that I should have thrown her out long ago. I should have seen this day coming. I honored my vows to the detriment of my marriage. A paradox that remains unsolvable.

Now what was so bad. I went to work, and made good money. I loved my kids, and cared for them whenever I was with them. I loved my wife, even though she treated me with contempt most of our marriage. Aren’t these all things that should have made a marriage work. I was the protector of the family in many cases where I had to make a strong stand for their well being. So where did I go wrong? Why could I not keep my wife? I am not asking why would I want to keep my wife. There were few good reasons beyond the children left. Her contempt was disgusting and selfish. It was escalated to force me to leave her, and when that did not work her contempt grew, and she finally left. Raising the kids is harder now. Having time to myself is more abundant, but I have less control of when now, and so does she. Finances are harder now. Trusting is harder now. I expect that is true for her to. Not that I have broken trusts, but that her own ability to do so must make her distrust others, and expect that they too will handle the her trust in the same way. The thing I lost that hurts the most is the dream of growing old with someone, and sharing the good and bad times. This may sound ridiculous, but you have to understand I never disliked my wife, and she never showed that she disliked me. I would have been happy to be with someone forever, even if there was not one ounce of romance in the relationship. I know this might be strange, but it is true.

So the paradox is, I lost her because I kept her. With her very first breaking of the vows, I should have tossed her. At the time we had our boys as foster children. We had not adopted yet. We had a dog and a small house. We had very little debt, and it would have been easy. I believed the Christian propaganda that holding on to the marriage was valuable. The truth is holding on to a bad deal is not valuable, and it will end eventually. Sure I have my honor. I kept my vows, even when I had the chance to break them without being found out. That honor means nothing to me right now. I should have tossed her. The truth is that is the only way I could have kept her. You see I never made her value the marriage. I never made her understand the significance of her actions. I also failed to protect the pussy, and then was willing to accept it again without making her regret giving away what was mine. I had never been cheated on before. I had no idea how to handle it. I also wasn’t promiscuous, so the whole sexual value system was not in my mind. I was used to women wanting my attention, and not having to work hard for dates, but since sex was not what my end goal was, I really never thought about these things. So what I did is allow her to give up the goods to another man with little consequence. Ultimately this conveyed that she was not valued. It took ten years for that to destroy what we had. I don’t know that she would have tried to keep what we had if I had tossed her. That is precisely why I didn’t, but now I regret that decision. I will count it as wisdom learned to share with my sons and any other man I encounter who needs it.

My final thoughts come to this. Women if you value your marriage, don’t toss him if he cheats once. That is not the price that will make a man value you. As a matter of fact, do not punish him at all. Give him a pass fairly quickly, and show him that you value him with your increased attention. Not desperate, strings attached, please stay kind of attention, but the kind of attention that shows that you value him for his masculinity. That is the thing most men are seeking when they cheat. That is for time one. After that, if you take care of him and he continues to wander, give him the boot.

Ten-Foured,

JeD