Tag: Custody

Gladiators

HeligKo
#10: Gladiator

This is phenomena that I have been following the last few weeks. I haven’t done any studying, but have used the experience of having 4 kids who play on 8 different sports teams right now. Moms are treating their children as their personal gladiators. They push and push their kids to do better and better. This doesn’t sound bad on the surface. We should all like our children to pursue excellence. The problem is that it seems to be very comparative in nature. Women are constantly looking for their hero. Go out to any dating sight and you will see headlines referring to knights and heroes. Now this is a phenomena that seems to exist in all women and their children, but it is decidedly stronger in the single or divorced mother. What I have seen is women, particularly those with weak husbands or no husband begin to drive their children to perform better and better. This doesn’t only apply to sports. You will see this in school, the arts, and other areas where kids can be compared. This also isn’t just their male children. There are plenty of women driving their daughters to perform for the sake of being the best. All you have to do is turn on TLC and watch some of those _______ Mom’s shows. I don’t think this is a new phenomena. My reading of history tells me that any society that life has become to easy, and that the wars that are fought are far away begins to have this. Just as women used to give men something of theirs to have when they fought as knights, mothers see their children as fighting for them on the pitch or grid-iron. Somehow they feel like they are a part of it. Language can give this away in some nuanced ways. I used to get caught up in saying we had a bad game like I played. I never was that emotionally involved, but the language was there. I have realized over the last year of separation that my language has changed. Hers hasn’t. Its like she is a part of the game through them. I do think that this is worse in a world where these women don’t have men as heroes. Dads and husbands are not important in their life, or don’t exist. These women have displaced the adult masculine archetype with their little gladiators.

Another driver is the constant comparison that women do. They compare husbands or boyfriends. They compare houses and schools. They compare kids. They want their kids to be the smartest, fastest, strongest of all their friends. They will get angry, actually angry when their little one gets beat by another kid on the field. They aren’t just being overly critical, but are having a visceral emotional reaction to the event as if they experienced it themselves. Their champion isn’t the best. I see this as my wife isn’t happy unless my kids play on the best teams. They are good athletes and normally can play with whomever they like, but I have no desire for them to constantly be seeking the next best team. I was an athlete, and the relationships with teammates and coaches ultimately is far more important to me than being the best. I want the kids to learn and develop not only in their sport, but through their sport. I see very little of this from the moms. They seem to be looking for wins. An example that I see right now in my life is my oldest daughter. Her coach has pushed the team up a division. She wanted to test them, and see some different competition than the last season. They were a .500 team in the lower division. They haven’t won a game yet. The testing is working though. The division is small, and so they get to play most of the teams twice. So far they have played better games against each team they have played twice. They are becoming stronger and more skilled. They are also learning to overcome adversity of a stronger opponent, and get to see the results by playing the same teams again. I think it was a good choice. My STBEW does not. She was furious last week when my daughter was asked by her coach to help with a lower division team right before her game. She said something along the lines of “She is one of her best players, what is she thinking wearing her out before her own game.” I like that if my daughter wants to play she gets to. She is a good player, but at this level of play the best player changes from week to week, and that is how it should be. That is how they get better.

The craziest thing I have seen happen, and its creeping into my STBEW’s arsenal, is punishing for poor performance. Not taking them out for a promised treat. Actually being angry at a kid for not being their best. Making them feel bad about having a bad game. They feel bad enough. The best kids already take on the weight of the entire game on themselves. Sports in my opinion serve many purposes, but ultimately the kids aren’t going to learn most of those if they aren’t having fun. I have only punished my kids for things that happened in sports when they disrespected a coach. The rest of what happens on the field is up to the coach. I will talk with and partner with the coach on solutions for ongoing issues. Poor performance in competitive sports is generally punished with less play time. The kids learn quickly that if they do what the coach wants then they get to play. Now my experience is competitive sports. My opinion about recreational sports is that the parent may have to discipline poor behavior more, because play time incentives are hard when every kid should have equal time. Performance should not be a big issue in recreational sports. Many of the same lessons can be learned, but the intensity is very different.

This is similar to the previous one. Women are always looking to climb. They are much more likely to push their kids to change teams to find a better opportunity. Men seem much less likely to do this. They understand the value of the camaraderie of a team. I like the idea of my kid being on the same team for a long time. They develop lifelong friendships there. They can be a part time mercenary, if they want more games, meaning they can go play with other teams anytime they want. Kids who change teams constantly may be better at the sport than the other kids, but they are mercenaries. Just like the military has very little respect for the mercenary, even when they need them, so does the team that brings on a mercenary for a season. That kid will not be accepted, because everyone knows that he will be gone next season or next year. My daughter is on a team with her cousin. It is a good team. There are some moms trying to convince everyone that the coach isn’t very good. They are disrupting what is a pretty good thing for most of these girls, and especially good for a couple of girls I love. She wants her to change teams to a more prestigious coach. She has never seen a team he has coached. He just has the right credentials to be impressive to her. All her arguments about the team my daughter is on now, and why it is bad, also apply to the group of girls this guy is supplying. The icing on the cake to try to convince me to let her move is that another coach is going to allow his superior athlete daughter to play on the team. She misses the point. Its not actually about winning more games. Winning more games when they are young demonstrates development. I like to push my kids. This daughter already plays on a top division with team an age group up with this same girl. The problem is all these moms are missing the reality of who their kids are and what they have right now as they look for the bigger and better deal.

The final thing I see moms do, and this one is particular to the broad category of “single moms” is the tendency to try to imitate fathers. A harsh word from a father is taken differently than the same harsh words from a mother. As much as the world wants to deny that men and women are different, and that we fill different roles in our kids lives, it is true. They end at screaming at the kids for every technical detail of their play. I know some dads do this, and coaches tend to have a chat with them. The truth is the coach may have different desires. I find that I have stepped back. Having been a player and a coach, I have insight. Its not insight he needs during the game. I cheer, I encourage, and sometimes I have something to say about general game play, but I let the coach do the details. I can always talk to him about details on another day. I hear moms literally threaten punishment for poor play. I know the the quintessential overbearing dad shown in movies does this kind of thing, but I rarely see him. There is no more than one per team, if that many. Now I see multiple moms doing this. They are almost always “single moms” that are imitating what they think a father brings to the game for the kids.

My words to any mother who is in a situation where the father is not there, whether its a co-parenting situation, dad travels, or a true single motherhood, you are never going to be dad. Don’t try to replace dad. When dad isn’t there, the kid needs his mom to be the best mom she can be, and she can’t be that while trying to be a good dad to. Sure throw or kick the ball around with them, but coaches, male teachers, and neighborhood dads are going to give him a better dad experience than you are. Don’t force who gets to do this for your kids, especially boys. Sure guide them, but let it happen. If you are truly being a great mom, they will choose wisely. Now I say this with a forked tounge, because I don’t find that most women end up without the fathers around by making the best choices for their kids. If they did, then the father would be there in most cases. I do hope there are a few women who have turned around, and recognized the past mistakes, and are trying to do things right from here on out. This message is for you. You are not a dad, and can’t do it any better than I can be a mom. Dads are important, but a mom cannot be the missing dad. Being the best mom will soften the blow of not having their dad. I say this as a man who constantly is telling his kids that I am not your mother. I will not try to be your mother. I am your father, and I will continue to be your father for as long as I live. Your mother is your mother, and if you need your mother right now, I will do everything I can to get you to her. I do this with an ache in my stomach mourning that my kids are not in a two parent home where mom and dad are there together. I then go on and act like a dad. I hope my STBEW does the same, but I know she doesn’t. She tries to act like a dad, and my sons respond to her in ridiculous ways. She then calls me in a panic to get me to handle the problem she has created, if only she had been the mom, and handled it like a mom, or called me as the dad in the beginning to handle a situation that required a dad.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I am infuriated

HeligKo
the opinion ... Thomas Knight, who killed Miami couple and a prison guard, executed (Posted on Tuesday, 01.07.14) ...item 3.. "Faith, Food, Friday" Hosts Conversation On Justice (Jan 07, 2014) ...

Today my son chose to skip a class. This isn’t what has me infuriated. It was bound to happen some time. I wish it wasn’t in sixth grade, but he is going through a lot of shit. That of course has forced me and his mom to stop his sports for the remainder of the year. He didn’t have what he was supposed to have and didn’t want to face his teacher. He chose instead to go to the nurse, and then when she released him, he dug through his locker. After not finding what he needed he chose to wander the school until the next class. Obviously intolerable behavior.

What has me so mad, is my STBEW went to a counselor to prime him for seeing my son again. This is a man I have trusted. He has a simple way of looking at things. She managed to get an appointment at a time when I would be tied up with the the girls, getting them to and from their practices far enough apart that I shouldn’t be doing it alone, but she seems to never be available to help with this. She went to the counselor and somehow when she left he had recommended all the things she thought was the right thing to do for him. She is supreme manipulator, so that may be the case. I find it suspicious that he would recommend anything before seeing my son and talking to me. She came over and yelled and screamed at him while I was out, and then everything was calm when I got here. She had decided that it is better that he be with us alone, and separate from his siblings. I think that this is going to be incredibly destructive and is why I recommended that we do what we were doing. I have been very liberal in allowing him to stay with her when he and she asked the past couple of weeks. I also didn’t give him much choice about going over to her place for the weekend. I didn’t want to have the knock down drag out fight in front of him, but I find it incredible that she made this decision without talking to me first. The counselor according to her also recommends that he be medicated for his impulse control issues for his own safety, and that he should see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

The thing that I find amazing is that his behavior isn’t just a little different with me, but completely different. He is a different kid. He doesn’t have any impulse control issues with me. I fear for his future. She is going to fuck him up bad. He will be a mess when this is all over. I have to prepare to file for divorce, and ask for immediate custody of him. I will have to be aggressive. I need to start collecting evidence of her emotional and verbal abuse of him. I hate to think about doing this, but I believe she is going to destroy him beyond repair.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Observations over the weekend

HeligKo
White Knight

This weekend was a busy one. One of those crazy run all over town my kids are doing too much kind of weekends. I had 3 kids in 4 tournaments in 3 different places. This presented some time to take in the world. As I ran around, I spent a lot of time with different people in different situations. So here are three things that struck me over this weekend.

I was chatting with a mom at the batting cages. I didn’t know much about her situation. I know that the STBEW had been talking to her the day before. She opened the non-baseball talk with something along the lines of “Its great how you and her can work things out for the kids sake.” Now understand that was referring to us getting along well enough to get the 4 kids to their activities. She then went on to explain that she has been a single mom since her youngest was four and a half months old, and how their Dad wouldn’t always take the kids to everything on the weekends he had them. I listened as she finished with “Its all about them isn’t it” meaning the kids. First if it was all about them, I would meet far fewer women like her, because they would have figured out a way to stay with the Dad. Most of the time men are easy to keep. There was a time not long ago, I may not have judged the man harshly, but I would not understand why he wouldn’t take his daughter to both a softball game and a soccer game on the same day. Now I see it with a different set of eyes. This man has his kids every other weekend, that’s it. She moved from a town 30 minutes away, leaving him there. He chose not to pick up and leave. This happened to me, and I made a different choice, but I can understand not following her around. Mine wants to move again, and I will probably stay where I am at, so my kids can have some stability. Now if I only had my kids 4 days a month, I think that I might choose to filter their activities such that I got to spend more time with them. Now she painted this picture without saying the words that made him seem like a dead beat of sorts. She told me I would see him at the game. I found this woman attractive before she started talking. I lost some of that shimmer for her as she spoke. I found myself saying “that’s too bad” a lot during the conversation. She probably thought I was agreeing with her sentiment, but the truth is I meant that its too bad that this man was missing out on his kids life for whatever reason. I watched this man at the game. Not hard for me to do at a baseball game. I don’t like baseball much. He came with a daughter from another woman. He obviously had her full time or close to it. He interacted with her and his other daughter as a very genuine father, who knew that people had already judged him. He talked to no one else at the game except one of the coaches. I also watched that he multiple times gave this woman a chance to engage him, and she chose not to. I feel this man’s pain. I am forever changed by my experience, and I know what torture he must go through knowing that he does not have the right to protect his children as a father should.

The next one happened on Facebook. A girl I went to high school with posted one of those “support me, I have been wronged” posts I find that mostly single mothers post about the “son of a bitch” they chose to have kids with. She had sent her child to another city on an airplane to see their father. The father missed getting the child back on the plane in the morning, and she was incensed that not only did she go to the airport and not get her child, but didn’t get a phone call. She called and asked what the hell happened. He explained he thought the flight was in the evening not the morning. Now I saw the comments. Most from similar women saying OMG, and other trite things. They all called this man a pig. How dare he, blah, blah, blah. A few white knights stepped in saying they would kick his ass if they ever saw him. I am thinking to myself, why would this man call if he didn’t realize that the flight was at 5AM instead of 5PM. It would be hours before he realized the mistake. He acted completely reasonably, but everyone wanted to kill him. This again was a woman I once found attractive, but the shimmer was lost with posts like these. My new eyes made me see that this was the continuation of parental alienation. She would now have a reason and the support to deny the father of her children access to the kids they had together. He will probably now see them even less than he already does. I know from her posts that she moves around the country freely, which probably also complicates things for this man. I feel this man’s pain. I am forever changed by my experience, and I know the torture he must go through knowing that he does not have the right to protect his children like a father should.

The third is more personal. After my son won his soccer tournament. It was late, and I was ready to get my kids home. The youngest was tired and ready for bed. The oldest was just hanging out. The middle girl was at a friends and I needed to pick her up, and get some stuff she left in her mom’s car. The one who one who won needed to get his stuff from the car of his team mate’s grandma who had taken care of getting him from game to game over the weekend. I left with the three I had. Shortly after leaving I get an annoyed phone call from my STBEW. She had parked across the park in another lot. Something I would have no idea about, since she was there before I was. She was annoyed I hadn’t sent the boys or a boy with her to escort her to her car. She didn’t ask them to go. Somehow I was not doing my job as a man to think of her, and send a boy, and was also failing to train the boys how to properly treat their mother. If we were together, I would have known, and would have sent a boy with her, and we would have been going to the same home, so he would stay with her. Instead we are not together. My thoughtlessness should have been expected, because when she left my home and asked for a divorce, she also gave up my protection. I don’t understand how she believes that she should have my protection by proxy through the boys. I wasn’t going to argue the point with her. I also wasn’t going to agree to have a chat with the boys, because as I wrote before, chivalry is dead in Chivalry Lost. I see no reason to train my sons to treat women with deference, and their mother in particular. This is different than respecting her as a parent. Had she asked, I would have sent one, even though to get to her I would have had to make multiple u-turns and drive about 3 extra miles to get to the other parking lot. I struggle with how to handle this. I used to think that chivalry was something I should teach my sons. I used to believe that it was important, and it was my job to teach them that women were precious and deserved special care. The problem is the deal is broken. The social contract that was in place that chivalry was a part of him meant that women treated men with a certain respect for being men, and that her men were treated with even more deference. Now that she has left, she no longer has my protection. Our contract is broken. Why then should I train my sons to treat her in a way that I myself would not treat her any longer. Chivalry was taught from father to son mostly through interactions with their mother. Once you are separate that just isn’t going to happen. Now the other problem is that chivalry is something enforced by men for men. It is completely disrespectful for a woman to demand it, and to demand that I a man would teach it in the way she believes it should be done. Feminism has changed chivalry, something they were the beneficiary of but had no part in, into yet another female privileged they believe they deserve. I am sorry, but my sons will not be taught by me to treat women as princesses. They will get the respect they have earned and no more. They will get the protection and service my sons desire to give and no more. I will also teach my daughters that they do not deserve these things for just existing. Its sad the world is here, but surviving requires a new understanding of the social contract. It is time that the women in each of our lives understand that we know the social contract is broken, and they don’t get to write the rules all by themselves.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Guess I Am A Single Dad Now

HeligKo
Single Dad Laughing is a Vampire!

I have always loathed the idea that women who are divorced are single moms. Most share custody with a Dad, and they can hand the kid to the Dad with a little warning without issues. Most Dads I know truly would rather have their kids all the time, so willingly accept the kids on days that are not their days. Now by the definition of single mom, I must be a single dad. I could have been before. I had the kids half the time, but things have changed. I now will have my oldest during the week every day, and then he will go to his mom’s place on the same weekends as the other kids. I will have him 12 out of every 14 nights. It scares me a bit. I will have very little time to myself. My place is small, and so he will be on top of me a lot. I am excited, because I want nothing more than to have my kids with me all the time. I put up with their mom for so long, because I couldn’t imagine loosing time with my kids.

I expected this to happen. I didn’t know when, or the circumstances that would bring it about, but I knew that it would happen. She and him have a completely toxic relationship. They yell and scream at each other, and she projects a lot of her psychosis on him. He starts with angry and goes from there in every interaction with her, and she does the same with him. This past weekend was my weekend. She had asked for some extra time with the kids, or the ones who wanted to stay with her while she took care of her niece and nephew. I agreed. She progressively worked towards my oldest not being welcome. My oldest daughter had no desire to go. She wanted to spend the time with me. I as happy about that. She is a joy to be around, but she also takes a long time to get talking about anything, so time with her is important. Before I even get home from a soccer game, I get a text that she is bring my oldest to me. When she got there, she informed me that he got mad, and tried to jump out of the moving car. She left a rather nasty bruise on his arm grabbing him. In his anger, he said things like he would rather die than spend any time with her, and he wished she hadn’t grabbed him. I don’t believe he is a suicidal kid, but she believes the worst in him. I do believe that if things keep going the way they are going, he will become a suicidal kid.

She called me the next day. She had a plan that he would be at different houses than the other kids all the time, because of course the problem is how he interacts with the other kids. The idea of him not spending any time with his siblings was crushing my heart. I knew that I couldn’t wait for her to decide to kick him out. I needed to move now. I told her that I wanted him during the school week, and that she could have him on the weekends that she had the other kids. After some discussion, where she objected to being excluded from parenting and that I wasn’t reading things right. She accepted somewhat reluctantly that my desire is for their relationship to get better, and that less time right now might just let them cool off. I believe that with a rational person, this is possible. I don’t think it will entirely work with her, but maybe I can help him be more emotionally stable when engaging her. Her main complaints were that I didn’t focus enough on his school, and that he would likely fall behind with me all the time, and that I need to step it up. Which on the surface is correct. I have not been coming down on him as hard as he deserves about school. He has been dealing with our separation, a new school, and a mom who is constantly screaming at him. I figured she has pretty much covered anything he needs to hear about school and then some. I will need to develop better habits about following up with him on school issues.

I was tense last night. I yelled more than I like with the kids. They were snapping at each other more than usual. I am sure that the temperament was starting with me. Yes, unlike their mom, I realize that whether I try to or not, my tension spreads to them. I talked to my oldest about what me and his mom decided. It was interesting how he responded. He cried. He didn’t think it was fair that he wouldn’t see her as often as he saw me. I talked to him about trying to make the time with her better, and that with some bigger breaks maybe that would be possible. Then he stepped into something that by his response is a bigger fear. He feared that the other kids would bond more with each other, and he would be left out. To a degree, the same argument applies. They have been treating him badly based on how their mom treats him. I talked a bit about that with him. The hard part is, he knows what it is like to lose an entire family. He was our foster kid before we adopted him and his brother. He was old enough to recognize losing a mom, dad, and four siblings. His brother was enough younger that his primary bonding happened with us. His next fear was that his mom would realize that things were so much easier without him, and would not want to return to a schedule that included him after doing this for a while. This one was hard for me. I couldn’t tell him that I too believed this. That I believed that she was looking for a moment where this could happen, and that she was probably pleased that I asked for it instead of her throwing him out. I hope its not true. I will put up with this vile woman for my kids sake. They deserve a mom, and if a part time mom can have a healthier relationship with them, than a full time mom, then I hope that we get to a place where all the kids are with me sooner than later. I do believe that she will discard each one over time.

I have the major task of raising a man from a broken child. A child whose mother is constantly tampering with his emotions. She is still pressing to medicate him, and believes that he needs a full psychological evaluation. I don’t think so. I think he needs some love and consistency and understanding. All things that I will give him. I never asked for these challenges in life, but I willingly take them on for my kids. I hope that I can get a handle on this quickly enough to save this boy. He has so little of his formative years left. Soon he will be a teen, and will be moving towards being on his own. I give him a hard time about having to move out when he graduates high school or have a plan for the future that I can understand and support. I may have to give this kid a little slack there. He may need a couple more developmental years post high school.

Men, don’t marry. Don’t allow this to happen to you. Don’t get in a position where you feel helpless to the whims of your wife and the thugs of the system. I am fortunate in that my wife appears to not want to be the mother, but does not want to look bad along the way. If you want children, adopt them on your own without a woman. Raise them as they should be raised. The western world will devour you in one way or another as a man stupid enough to get married.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Facebook Stories

HeligKo

First, no this will not have anything to do with the use of Facebook to destroy marriages. That topic is fairly uninteresting, because it is not Facebook that facilitates cheating, it is just a means of communication, and the women who want to cheat will find a means to communicate and connect to willing men. This is about how Facebook tells the stories of people who go through divorce.

Recently I was told that an acquaintance of mine was divorced. He was one of my U6 coaches that went ahead and continued to coach in the U8 age groups. I liked the guy a lot. His wife was beautiful and engaging and his children were pleasant to be around. His wife was a friend of mine on Facebook. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t use Facebook. I went back through her history. Pursuing the story she was telling. There was very little there about her husband. I saw pictures of them happily on a cruise in January of 2011 with friends. That was it. Then after all the noise there are pictures of the Holidays without him. I was dismayed. I saw them out and about town on a regular basis. They were always a pleasant couple. So why does this couple get divorced with two kids under the age 8. All I have is rumors, but it seems she wasn’t happy, and wanted to pursue opening her own photography studio full time. His family business took too much time, and so she didn’t have time to do what she wanted full time. So shortly after the kids are all in school, she forces the issue with divorce. Now he has to take the kids, and she will have that time to do her thing. Oh but wait there were other pictures that showed up right after the divorce was final. The pictures of her and another man. As a matter of fact, it became her cover picture. I am sure the rumors play their part, but she was running a photography studio, and with both kids in school, she had the time to do that full time. A studio that she would not of had the luxury to open if it hadn’t been for that husband and his job supporting her getting it started, with the expensive cameras and equipment, and general lack of income until her name became known.

Another couple I have known for years went through a divorce. I had to remove the wife as a friend. Her posts became so toxic. Her Facebook story is one of a woman who was abandoned by a man who wasn’t taking care of her kids. A man who didn’t care about their fate. He just left and wasn’t fixing things at the house he promised to. The kids missed him because he was spending all his time with his new girlfriend. Now this couple I know the real story. You see it is a part of my story. The wife was a lifelong friend of my wife. She is a toxic, whorish, overbearing woman. She decided that she wanted a divorce. She hadn’t married the man who produced her first child. She had two children with her husband. She began picking fights with him whenever he was home about not doing enough around the house. She was a stay at home mom, who didn’t fix breakfast or dinner, didn’t vacuum, do laundry, or just about anything else. Oh and both the kids were very much school age. She then said she needed a social life. She began going out to bars, and hooking up with random guys. My wife would go also, supposedly to make sure this lady stayed out of trouble. I took this at face value, but since she wasn’t staying out of trouble, then what was my wife doing. Right, of course she was getting into her own trouble. This woman eventually kicked her husband out, then moved out. He moved back in, and then things went back and forth again. As they divorced. He paid the entirety of his paycheck to her, and then delivered pizzas at night for his living money. He has been chastised for not being more supportive with his fucked up stepson, who he was never allowed to be more than a baby sitter for. Well I recently had dinner with this man. Turns out she began turning the kids against him to the point who couldn’t handle having them with him the four days a month he was allowed. He got the child support adjusted to something that allowed him to have a life. He is now considering moving to another state for work, because he there isn’t much hope for him seeing his kids. I feel sorry for him. I know how he got there. I would make different choices, but he is of a generation a bit older than me. He also isn’t much of a fighter.

I find it interesting how things go on Facebook. It seems that when someone is talking about custody and divorce on their, well they are trying to control the conversation and shape the view others have. I generally find these people unbelievable. Other’s its the subtext that is there. The tone of their posts. The character of their pictures that tell the story. These are the ones that I am interested in. The story is partly there. You see it, but its not all there. Oh and I can make up the rest. I look for the hidden story. Sometimes I will send a message to a man to find out his story. Surprisingly most respond, and seem a bit surprised that anyone cared to ask. Women talk, even if no one wants to hear them. Their story will get out. Men tend to keep it in. They don’t want to air their dirty laundry for everyone. I have found though that this is not the case of its a privacy issue. They lost that with their wife’s blabbering most of the time. It is the case that they don’t want to force people to take sides, and they don’t want to force their burden onto someone else. Many men think telling the story without being asked is akin to asking for help. Keep this in mind. It has been a good thing for people to ask my story. It has let me know people care, and has helped me think through things as I share them with someone else.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Why Are Men Getting Angry

HeligKo
12 HOMENS E UMA SENTEN?A

Over at Dalrock – a case for anger there is a lively discussion over why MRAs/MGTOWs that have given up on American women are so angry over the things they see, because they aren’t the victim. There are so many good comments, you should go over and check it out.

Why am I angry. I am angry at the fact I am at the complete mercy of my wife. I am angry that as a Christian man I was called to be the leader of my house, but the modern feminist thinking that has infiltrated the church has women ruling the house, while showing absolute contempt for their men that don’t lead. Men are told that they are the problem. It doesn’t matter what the problem, its their fault in the family. If they had their act together, then their wife would be happy, their kids would be well behaved, and they would have plenty of money. The modern church has no compassion for its own men. The Bible is full of men who fail in every way. God used them. He held them up as models for us. These are the men we are to look at as our heroes, yet the modern man is not supposed to have their failing, their egos, or their masculinity. The modern man is supposed to have learned the lessons that some of these men took more than a century to learn the moment we declare ourselves a Christ follower. The women of course are subservient to the men. They follow their lead, and when they don’t, it is because the man wasn’t worthy of following. There is no admonishment of women who nag and brow beat their husband, though proverbs is full of admonishments of this kind of behavior. The modern Church has became a Dr. Phil session every Sunday for evangelicals, and a PHD level lecture on Christian philosophy in more tradional churches. Taking a non politically correct stand on anything other than homosexuality (and that is a stretch in many churches) is simply off limits.

I am angry because I am unable to protect my family. The jack booted thugs of our society have displaced me, and if given the word, they will beat me and take me away. I have no option other than that which my wife allows me. I have no fatherly rights without her allowing it. Our world has been turned on its head. The patriarchy protected women, first by allowing the men responsible for them to do so first. The patriarchy allowed men to be men and women to be women. The matriarchy allows none of that. Women and men must be treated the same in the matriarchy, and when men have an advantage simply by being men, they are to be held back by rules that shift the scales. The shift hardly ever actually balances the scales, it usually tips the scales the other way.

What good is the anger? Anger is the fuel for male change. Men will use the anger to fight for the rights that have been taken from them. Men will use the anger to fight for other men who need their help. Men will use the anger to counter their desire for what is normal, and right, because they can’t achieve that in the modern world. The anger protects them, and allows them to not give up. Too many men have found themselves feeling so out of control of their world that they seek the peace they can find in death. As men realize they are not alone in this horror, I pray that we see fewer suicides from these men, and that we come together to fight the war that some say has already been lost.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Raising My Kids Part Time

HeligKo
Daddy's Girls

Separation and divorce means I lose the every morning and every night influence on my kids. No matter how much I make sure I am available, half the time the kids aren’t going to bed under my roof and waking there. I hate it. I hate everything about it. At their mom’s house, she is much more likely to hand them off to the neighbor who’s fifth grade daughter already knows how to create sexual tension in a room. They are allowed to fight with each other in terrible ways. They are encouraged to tear each other down, and act like the parent to each other. When they come to my house, I have to deprogram them from this, and it is becoming harder and harder. I hope that the resistance that I feel now from them is the top of the hill, but I guess that it is not. I have to deal with her trying to medicate my oldest, because he is a tough kid. I am frustrated beyond anything I can understand, and I hate it. I have lost the right to daily influence of them. Not by my own actions, but because she decided that she didn’t want to be married to me. A year ago she asked me “Did my character change just because I don’t want to be married to you?” My answer was “Either that or I misjudged it from the beginning.” I am sure that I misjudged it now. I am sorry for my kids that this is the case. I am sorry because we adopted three kids, and I could have stopped that when I first saw the problems, but instead I assumed it was momentary weakness on her part, not a character flaw. I am sorry because we then had a child of our own. I do not regret that child, but I would do anything to protect her from what is happening now. It is my fault that we are here, not because of my actions, but my inaction. I could have stopped things when she proved herself unworthy of my love, and unworthy of my loyalty. I bought the Christian line that staying was noble. It was not. It was the path to raising my kids part time. Now I have to do all I can to raise them right, and let them know they are loved every day when I only have a right to see them half of the days.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Child Support Is Immoral: A quick followup

HeligKo
Slave shackles

I just want to clarify one thing for anyone reading this. I don’t support men not fathering their children, or paying for things the children need. My accusation of immorality is the against a system that demands that they owe a portion of there income to their former partner to pay for the children, and that system is going to take it by force. It has turned motherhood into a paid vocation. The only system in history where motherhood has been a viable vocation is the ones where the mother was married to the father of her children. We have replaced the husband/provider/protector role of men in society with a model that has women choosing a lover of the moment, the government is her protector, and the father(s) of her children are her providers. Women are given the children in so many cases because they were the primary provider, and men are accused of not being active enough in the children’s life when they were together. Well that doesn’t account for the fact that there isn’t a man I know who wouldn’t want to stay home and raise their kids, but responsibility takes over, and they realize someone has to provide the means for these little people to grow up. They do this willingly, and often view the time that the mother has with the children as a gift they were able to give to both the mother and the children. That is used against them in custody cases and child support issues. Men if you are brave enough to get married, then realize that she will be treated as sacrificial for your sacrifice of time with the kids, and if you are the stay at home dad you will be treated as lazy for not getting a good job, and letting her stay home and be the doting mother.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Child Support Is Immoral

HeligKo
Slave shackles

I know that in our culture, this statement is considered ridiculous. We have been fed a line for our entire lifetime about dead beat dads. I think it is time for us to reexamine this thing we call love, marriage, and child raising. The rules we are playing by are from the 1930s. They are based on a society very different than the one that we live in. Alimony and child support are based on a society where women rarely worked if they were mothers, and couldn’t earn what a man earns. They are based on a society where women rarely left left their husband providers, but the men left their families to start over with another woman. I don’t know that I actually believe that story, but it was certainly more likely than it is today. I am not going to talk about abusive relationships, and when I say abusive, I mean someone is being controlled or broken in some way. We all feel abused after going through the trials of a failed marriage. Truly abusive relationships are much more rare than we are led to believe. Now in modern culture marriages are ended with little more thought than a dating relationship, and women have the same opportunity to earn what a man earns.

The next problem is that the courts, at least here in the USA aim to provide the same standard of living for the children that they had during the marriage. They also apply a standard that the children deserve a certain portion of the parents income. The standard of “the best interest of the children” is applied.

The first problem is when two parents are not together, unless there is significant means involved, it is impossible to provide the children with the same standard of living. You suddenly have two households where there was one. Now that father’s rightfully expect to have equal time with their kids, they must have a home that is adequate to house their children.

The next problem is the idea that the children have any right to the parents income. This is the idea that is applied to justify child support. When a marriage stays intact, the only index used to measure if the child is receiving what they deserve is whether they are healthy mentally and physically, and if they aren’t then they are receiving appropriate care. Suddenly in divorce, they deserve a percentage of the income, and that income is entrusted without strings to one of the parents, usually the mother. This is insane. What if the parents normally saved 60% of the income, and now suddenly one can’t. Or what if the divorce is over the fact the husband wants to take a job that pays 50% of what he used to make, so he doesn’t have to travel anymore. Suddenly the court has control over whether he is allowed to do that without going to jail. The court says he must earn close to his total earning potential. He no longer has a choice in the matter like he did before. Sure sounds like slavery to me.

The best interest of the child drives me nuts. If the court were interested in the best interest of the child, then there would be more remidations ordered to avoid divorce by the court, and less screwing with peoples lives. Since when is it in the best interest of the child to have the court in the middle of their lives their entire childhood. The other problem with that argument is that it is completely subjective. The courts are supposed to try to make objective decisions, and they are being placed in a position that requires subjective reasoning, which they are not equipped to handle, so they try to pretend that with the right experts they are making a subjective decision. Lets not kid ourselves, none of this is about the best interest of the child. If it were, then very few parents would be allowed to raise our children. We screw them up even in a good home. That is a part of life. We learn how to overcome the shit in our lives, and we all have shit even in the best of circumstances.

All this sets the stage a little, but the truth is in the western world, money is power. Having money gives you power, but so does controlling someone else’s money. Child support being based on a percentage of the parents income is not about providing for the child. It is about transferring wealth, and that is always evil. Simply put in the modern world, when parents are sharing responsibilities for the kids, there is no reason for a wealth transfer. The logic is convoluted. Probably because it isn’t about the kids at all. If a mother or father has chosen to cut out the other parent, then they deserve no part of that person’s income, and if that person shares in any part of the parental duties, then they should pay while they are have the children in their custody for the child’s needs. If the carrot of money from the other partner is removed, there would be far fewer divorces and out of wed lock children.

Now lets look at the logic of child support turned on its head a little. If time with children is valuable for the parent, then the time that is taken away from the parent should be compensated for. The parent who has the most earning power has the most valuable time. They should be compensated for the lost time with the children at a higher rate than the parent who has a lower income. In most divorce situations that would mean a stay at home mom would be due no child support at the time of the divorce, and if she had the children 50% of the time, she would owe the father a large sum for the lost time with his children. She would have to get a job, and support herself and compensate her ex-husband for his lost time with his kids. Isn’t this how most law suits work. The person who has incurred harm is compensated to make up for the harm. Well in a split custody situation both parties have incurred harm, but one is more valuable in the market place than the other.

Men have sought divorces at roughly the same rate throughout the history that it has been tracked. They divorce today for roughly the same reasons they always have. Women rarely sought divorce before. It took some extreme circumstances to give up the security of marriage. The system has been changed enough that they don’t lose the security when they divorce. They get financial support, and the state steps in to make sure their ex-husband continues to dutifully take care of her in the name of the children. Once the risks of not being married with children were reduced women have sought divorce for rather frivolous reasons at an alarming rate. Not that the men’s reasons were less frivolous, but the rate of them choosing to divorce is and has been much lower than the women choosing to do so now.

The truth is I don’t think anyone should pay child support. If two people or one of two people choose to part ways, then the children should be considered marital assets (didn’t want to say property). They have value to both the parents. It doesn’t matter much if one is a better parent than the other, if both are adequate. Yes merely adequate, because if the bar is set any higher, it is just a foothold for the state to come take everyone’s kids and give them to parents they deem better than you. We have already established that with the parents not together, the best interest of the child isn’t really the issue. Both parents decided to have kids together, so they decided at some point the other one was going to be the kind of parent they would like to raise a kid with. The ramifications of that decision is that you are stuck raising that kid together whether you want to or not. Along with the decision to split, both parents should determine how they are going to afford to not be together. The fact our society puts so much weight on romance in marriage is ridiculous. The purpose of marriage is to raise a family. It is designed to combine the financial a time resources of two people to take care of each other’s needs and the needs of the children. Since the marriage is broken, then each party should be responsible for both the financial and time needs of their family, which is inclusive of the times you have the kids and are nearly complete, and the times when you don’t and are single.

We all know that the biggest reason for child support is to prevent divorce from putting women and children on the welfare roles. I suggest that if the financial incentives for divorce were removed, and some disincentives for divorce were in place, then you would have fewer split families, and the cost of the welfare cases that result would be less than the cost of child support enforcement costs now, and fewer dads would be estranged from their children. Of course this is supposition, but I don’t think I am too far off.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Physical Separation

HeligKo
Greatwall China [1907] Herbert G. Ponting [RESTORED]

The six plus months of time that we were living in the same house after she said she wanted a divorce were some of the hardest of my life. As covered in some of my other posts, she was all over the place in how she interacted with. She slept in the guest room, she slept in our bed. I refused to leave our bedroom. She wanted this, so she could come or go, but I was staying. She erected a pillow wall between us, and when challenged she took it down. She would flirt to get my attention, and then act offended if I responded. She would yell at me for not trying, or not knowing her, or some other thing, but also yell at me when I demonstrated I knew her, or tried too hard. One night she screamed at me “I am still leaving your ass, nothing has changed, and you can keep that little psychopath(the oldest boy).” She would go out, and not come home until it was almost time to wake up. She would leave and not tell me where she was going or what she was doing, and then come home and wake me up angry that I hadn’t stayed up waiting for her. It was exhausting. I am not sure what she was doing. The only thing, I can come up with is she was working up the courage to actually leave or to get me to leave or kick her out.

As things go, she told me in early June was moving out, and taking the kids. Justifying this action by saying we had talked about moving the kids back to the city. I was a little shell shocked, and didn’t know what to say. The next day I made it clear that I was not going to be a weekend Dad, and that I would be on her lease and have a key. I would be able to spend time with my kids at the apartment without her until things changed. She agreed. I later found out that she agreed, because she couldn’t get the lease without me. She didn’t make enough money, since we still have payments on our marital home. I helped her move out, mostly because I didn’t want strangers and her moving out stuff without my knowing what was being taken.

She spent the first night in her apartment “alone.” I don’t know who she spent it with, nor do I care anymore. I did then. The next night I left the kids with her. When I left the apartment after saying my good byes, I was walking down the stairs. My lips became numb, and I just started to shutter. I couldn’t cry yet, I just shook and my face ached. I have never felt a pain like that before. It was the reality of the loss of my marriage, and the new relationships I would have to build with my kids just overwhelming me. These waves would wash over me for the next few weeks. Sometimes they would last hours, and other times minutes. There were times, I would leave work and just walk for miles to distract myself.

I spent the last part of the summer alternating with her at the apartment. Initially it was not so bad. It was hard to be in a place, so intentionally devoid of me. It was uncomfortable. She then started going out while I was with the kids, and coming back to the apartment and sleeping on the couch. After a while, she made it clear she wasn’t going to sleep on the couch, and I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as her. I slept on the couch a few times. I started to then bring the kids back to our home when I had them. Once school started, she played nicer about leaving the apartment, but I was quickly becoming exhausted with my drive after finishing with kids activities. I wasn’t getting anything done I needed to get done.

She had spent some money to prepare her apartment. It was my understanding that this was coming out of the fund we had set up for vacations. It wasn’t she was saving that for living on. She spent the money that I had set aside to pay the mortgage. After failing to pay the mortgage, I decided that I needed to find a place closer to my kids, and before my credit was smashed to the point no one would rent to me. I wanted a place with a garage for their bikes, and a yard to play in. I also wanted a two story place, so when I was their alone, I wasn’t constantly faced with empty bed rooms that should have my kids in them. I found a duplex that meets the requirements. I got moved with the help of some old and new friends.

I had spent a week without my kids, and so was going to spend the next week with them. I really didn’t have the place ready for them. Partly because she had left the kids with me during the move, so she could take one of my sons to a soccer tournament that we had agreed to not play in. I was now shuttling my other son to his games for a tournament, while trying to get my place ready. My youngest daughter made the boys and girls rooms look ready to sleep, and wanted to stay the night. Of course I didn’t have mattresses yet, so that wasn’t an option. She kept repeating how great it was that I had got them a house. It had a basement, a garage, and a yard. I was glad that she was happy with my choice. I hadn’t been able to include them in the looking at places, because my wife had kept putting off talking about what was really going on between me and her with them.

The first week with the kids was a bit crazy. I didn’t have any dishes yet, or much food for that matter. I also didn’t have time to prep everything for them. I am still working on some of that. I had to get them to school, and pick them up. I live in the boundaries for different middle and elementary schools, so no bus when they are with me. Which is OK. I enjoy taking them and picking them up. Its a good chance to talk to them. They are a captive audience at least for a little while. My wife was constantly making sure I knew where I was screwing things up. I wasn’t getting the girls hair right. I needed to get my own hair products for her( I bought the ones she was using now ). Well none of this mattered much, because I could hang up the phone, and it was over. No having to talk about it as we went to bed, no waking up to the same conversation, etc.

This process has started the road to establishing what life is like with Dad, and how it is different than life with Mom. The kids are noticing that Mom dominated life when we were together. I am getting questions like why we never did this or that before. I have to answer sadly that I didn’t make it priority. I don’t want to say that when I tried, I was blocked one way or another by their mom. I don’t want to start having negative messages about each other going to the kids, even if I know its true. I have also began at this point to establish that my opinion may not be the same as it was when we were together, and that I expect my voice to be a bit stronger now in our new circumstances. New boundaries are being established. This is good.

Ten-Foured,

JeD