Tag: Kids

Child Custody: Get It Out Of The Courts

HeligKo
Plymouth Court

Child custody is the giant sledge hammer used to make men submit. It is also the single thing that people complain about causing harm to the kids. The courts are adversarial in nature, and thus they encourage both parties to make the other party look bad. As a general rule it is not good for the kids to see their parents rip each other’s characters to shreds. The psychological impact of each part of the kid being scrutinized is awful. There are several problems with the current system, if it is left to the more accepted custody arrangements. One is that the mother is presumed to be the best care taker, because she has been the primary care taker. This has been the norm in many marriages, and has been accepted as the best end result as a matter of course. The stabilizing factors that fathers bring to the household just don’t seem to be considered.

Its time to make the default legal status of custody one of shared custody. Schedules should be required to be as close to 50% time as possible. The reason for this, is it will take the negotiations to room with the parents rather than in front of a judge. If the judge is going to view these cases based on the idea that there must be something horribly wrong to justify giving one parent a preference over another, then fathers would no longer be negotiating in the shadow of the law. They would have confidence that within reason their considerations will be considered. If mothers and fathers know that the judge isn’t going to consider anything that doesn’t show a risk to the kids as a reason to modify this would work out the details on their own.

I also think that any contractual agreement entered into should not have to go to court at all for approval. Parents were free to do just about any stupid thing they wanted to when they were married. I don’t understand why this should change if they are both able to work it out. Why should the state in a free society suddenly become a larger stake holder the moment parents split up. Contracts are nullified all the time without the court being involved. Parties are able to do this in business all the time.

As for child support, as I have said before. The parent with the kids should be responsible for the kids expenses. When both parents are involved, they should share the expenses as they agree upon for school and medical expenses, or the assumption should be that each will pay half whenever there is no other agreement. There should be no compulsary transfer of funds from one parent to another, not ever.

At the core of the argument that happens in court, is which parent is better. That argument should be replaced simply with is one parent dangerous. The couple had the child together. If one is a stupid mother fucker and trains the kids to be the same, that is life. Sorry kids your mom or dad was a complete idiot and taught you how to be too. When the parents stay together that would be the case too.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

The Problem: Putting Kids First

HeligKo
Presents 29

The mantra I hear in divorce circles is that you need to put the kids first. There are multiple problems with this. One of the more common terms is child-centric divorce. I have stated so many times before, that if it were about the children, then the divorce wouldn’t be the event that they are having to adjust to. Lets just put the idea to bed that there is such a thing as a good divorce for children. As I sit here happier than I have been in most of the last fifteen years, I still believe that divorce was the wrong course to take. I also have to recognize that for so many reasons, I can’t go back. Number one of course is she doesn’t want to, but as I have thought about things, neither do I. For different reasons. For me, it is about the kids. I won’t put them back on that roller coaster just to wait and see when it will happen again. I don’t trust her. This has been covered before, so read the rest of the blog to understand why, because that is a long story.

The Fallacy of Child Centered

Divorce by its very nature puts aside what is very best for the children for the benefit of one or both parents desires. The very act is not child centered, except in rare instances where it is done to protect the children from the other parent. That is not what is considered when people say child centered. In a child centered divorce, the children become the focus. The parents throw themselves into the children’s lives as they are dealing with the trauma of divorce. The core ideas of trying to create the softest landing for their kids as possible are good, but they become such the focus that the parents aren’t seeing the bigger picture for the family, which by the way includes themselves. Divorce at its core is a selfish act, and doing things the child centered way makes the parents feel better about the divorce, but more often than not its still about the parents. They get wrapped up into competing with their old partner in life over who is the better parent. It should be noted that one parent is always better than the other, and it may not be the same parent as last week this week. This new child centered ideal for divorce has moved children from the same position as the furniture to a new position of actors in the parents’ play. They get confused over which parent to try to please and when. It is about the kids looking like they are doing as well as the kids from intact homes. It becomes yet another way for people to keep up with the Jones. The kids are not doing as well as similar kids in intact homes. They just can’t. They may develop new skills, and there are plenty of bright sides to their new life, if they can overcome the trauma of divorce. Everyone should understand that the child centered divorce is not about the children, but about alleviating the guilt the parents feel about the divorce regarding their children. I often see that the initiator or causer of the divorce uses the child centeredness of the the other parent as a way to get their way. It is rare that both parents are truly trying to be partners in this. It become a lever for manipulation.

Why Is It A Problem

Most people I know who have tried the child centered approach to divorce have a common problem in their marriage. The marriage became about the kids. All the couples time together was with children, or exhausted from children. One or both people never got out to do things without the kids, and they certainly never got out together. This is something that opens the marriage up to all sorts of problems. Men and women have affairs. They develop interests and don’t share them with their partner. They grow apart while spending most of their time together, and they stop enjoying each other at all. They lose patience for the things that bothered them, but they decided to accept when they took their vows. I think this happens often by accident, but initially when the kids are little they need lots of care. As the kids become older it is easy for one or both parents to stay completely engaged as if the kid needs them every moment. The longer this goes on, the harder it is for the couple to come back together. One of the things my wife told me when she asked for a divorce is “We are great partners, but horrible lovers.” There is truth to that. I know what I have written here played a part in that, and I was the one who ended up hiding in the kid stuff. As the rest of the blog explains, this is probably less true for us than many others I have seen. My response to her was that we wouldn’t necessarily stay as good a partners, because without the marriage bond our desires and interests for the kids would diverge, and probably sooner than we know. In the past year to year and half that has certainly been the case. We have fought over medicating my son, and what soccer team the kids will play on. These are the issues I am holding strong on, or at least for one soccer team, since my niece plays with my daughter. On many issues I state my opinion, and ask her to take time and think about it, and if she doesn’t change her mind, then I will usually acquiesce. I do believe that too much conflict will only hurt the kids, and she is high conflict. The only way to avoid conflict is to not take on every issue ready to fight.

The Balance

In marriage and in divorce there is a balance. I am not good at it, but I see where I need to get. As parents we need to allow the kids to develop and make mistakes. We have to tell them no sometimes not because we can’t do something, but because we need the time. In my case, we should have divided and conquered more for kids events. We should have taken time out together. That is one thing in divorce that I am not going to do wrong. I will take time for myself. I will take the time to play for me. I will not feel guilty for missing 1 or 2 games in a weekend when there are 8 to 12 games. With the tougher schedule of separation, I will not go to the late games if I have other opportunities most of the time now. I need to get out and see friends. I needed to to do that within the confines of marriage. I am spending my time rebuilding relationships that would be strong if I had done some of this before. If I need to clean the house, and the kids are with their mom, then I might not make it to a couple of events. I hate to miss them, but my world comes crashing down on me, if I don’t take the time to do the things I need to do. In the US we are not good at balance. I have known men and women who’s life stops because of divorce with the kids. They devote all of their time to the kids. Not just put kids first when the kids need the parent, but in every moment of every day they devote to the kids. They are usually praised and their egos are fed through this. These people become bitter as their kids don’t devote that same kind of attention on them as they grow up. Just as the married couple who fails to connect and devotes everything to the kids has nothing when the kids move out, so is true for the divorced parent who always puts the kids first. They are alone, and many make their children feel guilty about it. It is not the children’s fault that they are alone, it is their own. They didn’t have a balanced life. I know that I did not, and its tough to get there, but I find more and more joy as I do, and I enjoy my children more, because they become less of a burden. A word I would not have described them as before, but as things change I realize that I allowed them to become that to me.

Final Thoughs

Its not about the kids. The divorce, the marriage, the future none of it is about the kids. The kids are but one piece to the puzzle. If it is all about the kids, then you will be unhappy, and the kids will be spoiled and unhappy. The children raised in poorer cultures learn the lessons of family, and grow up to be much more balanced themselves. This is why these children can come to the US with no money and no skill, and end up running businesses that are successful. It is better for our kids to see us live. They will not appreciate us for giving up everything for them as they grow into adults, they will pity us. They will not visit to be our companion or friend, but out of guilt for all that we gave up for them. Family matters. Family is the most important thing in your life. Remember that your family includes you, and your well being matters as well.

Ten Foured,

JeD

When 1/2=6+

HeligKo
Happy Pi Day - P versus NP

No this is not a math problem. Its the dynamics of what happens to the family after divorce. When parents of kids split, there is not two families created. There are at least 6. Some of them are created by how the kids interpret what is going on, and how they decide to handle it, but there are some patterns that I have seen as this has happened in my life. I will use my family as an example throughout, but I have observed this from the sidelines of a lot of families that I interact with. I will touch on each of the six individually, but then I will explain the plus side of this.

The Families Created

Mom’s Family With The Kids

This is an obvious one. Mom interacting with her kids as a mom. Dad is gone, but most times its not a lot different than the life of a family with a dad that that travels for a living. Mom may have to work more than she did before, and fix things around the house she didn’t before, but the care of the children doesn’t change as much. Where it becomes different is when mom needs a dad moment. Does she call dad or does she try to be dad. This choice is critical to how the children handle the split up. Super mom trying to be the dad when he isn’t there makes things hard on the kids. There are really three ways to handle this. Moms are much more likely to hover and supervise than fathers. Its is harder for the kids to get some freedom to grow up in a mothers house.

  1. Mom tries to fill the role of the dad. This is problematic because she isn’t masculine. There is more to being a dad than acting like a dad. Dads are better at it, because they are masculine, and the things that need a dad truly need the masculinity. This is the case in comforting and disciplining. Dads and moms are different.
  2. Mom explains to the children that she is not the dad, and she is not willing to be the dad, because their dad does that for them. She can then go on to allow them to call their dad, or tell them to wait until they see their dad,
  3. Mom can call their dad and ask him to come over to help or take the child to him. If mom and dad are really working for the best interest of their children, they will figure out how to do this for any big issue. Big being defined by the child’s emotional state and age at the time as much as the issue itself.

Dad’s Family With The Kids

This is similar to the one above, but it is different. Its different in the fact there are a lot of things dad may not have done on a daily basis that he does now. This does depend on how involved dad was in the mundane things of their kids life before. I pass no judgement on what worked in the marriage partnership to parent. I am sorry that the courts do. Dads are much less likely to try to be mom. They have the same resolutions as stated above. Dads will tend to play more with their kids, and encourage independence as they grow older. Dads do less to protect their kids from themselves, though they are very protective from others. This is the balance that is lost in a split household, and the parents working together to ensure that when one is not resident, they are not absent. This is hard, and both parents out of pride may struggle with this.

Dad’s Family Without Kids

Dads will tend to find distractions. They go out with friends and work more. They get back into hobbies and sports that they had abandoned for the sake of their marriage. Things that probably weren’t really healthy for the marriage, but the stresses of time management made them think so. Once the kids are a bit older, dads are much more likely to wait for the mother to call if there is something that needs talking about, and to wait for their kids to call if they need or want to talk. Part of this, is they don’t need the constant contact for the closeness to be there. Again we are dealing with the masculine vs the feminine in how things are handled. There is often a renewed connection to the dad’s family(parents, brothers, sisters, etc). It is al too common that a married couple spends more time with the wife’s family than the husband’s this is often the case, because she is the one that is scheduling things, not some evil plot.

Mom’s Family Without Kids

I don’t have the insight for mom’s family that is required to go into great detail. What my experience tells me from being the dad with the kids on the other end. She calls me two to three times a day. In the morning to check on the kids. During the day about school stuff. After school about activities. The only necessary call is the last. She may or may not call them during these times. There is a part of the mom that can’t let go of the things she used to own in the marriage as the care giver. She knows that she doesn’t have the control over these things, nor does she have the right to try, but she has to touch base with it. I think this will become less as time goes on, but I doubt it will completely go away. Moms are much more likely to make extra contacts to the school when she doesn’t have the kids as well.

Mom Has The Kids At An Event Dad Is At

There is a tendency for the mother to hold tight. To keep them close. Its almost like they are afraid at some baser level that the father will take them away from her. There is also a tendency to return to requesting the father to do things that she would have expected when they were married. In the more mild cases, it is just things for the kids, but in more extreme cases it is things that he would have done for his wife not his kids. The Dad has a tendency to absolve himself of disciplining the kids. In his mind they are in her care, and whether its a detachment or avoiding stepping on her toes, I don’t know. I am intentional about not being her husband, but being their father, so the balance works out for me without too much stress or inconsistency for the kids.

Dad Has The Kids At an Event Mom Is At

There is a tendency to let mom take over parenting at these things, which often leaves the kids without a parent, because mom thinks she is there to just see the event and get some hugs from the other kids. Again I am intentional about not letting this happen. Little kids are drawn to their mothers anytime she is around, so its easy for a dad to let them go and absolve himself of responsibility. The situation tends to resolve itself as the kids get older. The kids are more autonomous, and it is easier for the dad to assert his rules.

Increasing The Multiples

There are many things that can increase the multiples. Stepparents with kids can change things a lot. Imagine that sometimes the step-siblings are there together and other times they are not. The dynamics of whose house it was if the family moves into a house one of them owned already.

One child has special emotional needs that has them living with one parent or the other or following a different schedule than the other kids. This can create distance and closeness that doesn’t exist for the other kids. And affect how the kids respond to each other.

God forbid that a parent get married more than once again, because this just continues to extend the family and its complicated interconnections.

The Effects On The Children

Its stressful. Their little minds are not mature. Their emotions aren’t in check with their logic centers. They are going to be stressed by even the best situations They don’t like change. Children do better when the parents stay together, even in the worst marriages. People can judge the break-up all they want, and whether it was good or not. Many will use the children as the filter. The problem is that it is too late for that. The decisions are made, and action has already been taken. I hate the argument that children are resilient. They really aren’t. They are pliable, and it takes time to bend around their new world. Much longer than it takes an adult. Part of this is the adult has much more control over what is happening than the child does. The best the parents can do along the way is ensure to the kids that their mom or dad is not being replaced or leaving, and neither are they. Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce this idea to them all the time. Their dad, even a bad dad, is their dad, and is irreplaceable. Their mom, even a bad mom, is their mom, and is irreplaceable. Don’t let your feelings get in the way of whatever relationship the kids can have with them. If they are flakes, then be their to catch them, and cry with them. Save your tears for them that are tainted by your anger and hurt until they are out of sight.

Ten Foured,

JeD

Constantly Changing

HeligKo
High Dumbo Range

This has always been an issue. She has always been an unsettled person. We moved 6 times in 14 years. She left me by moving back to the city, and she doesn’t feel like she was thoughtful enough in her choice, and wants to move again. I almost believe that what precipitated the separation was a desire to move when we were upside in our house. The market killed us. We had made good money on each house up until this one. We are taking a bath in this one. We are selling a house that is more than twice the size of one of our old houses for less money than we sold that house for. It sucks. She expected that I would stay in that house, and be the one stuck while she moved up here and started her new life without me. She would be the known one at the school, and I would be one of those dads. I turned the tables a bit. I wasn’t willing to live that far away from my kids. I moved shortly after her to a place near the kids schools. I am not in the same district, but close enough to drive them there quickly. I am in the neighboring district. I don’t really care if she moves. The kids will, but I am out of the business of telling her she is making mistakes. She can do that fine on her own. I do keep notes on those mistakes. I want to make sure that I keep at least equal time with my kids. My problem is that she can’t seem to find anything in the same school district, and can’t work her schedule around school when she has the kids, so they need to ride the bus, or go to the schools near the high school she works at. This puts me in a position of choosing a place that is convenient to the schools they are in, but not very convenient to where she is looking. It will make my mornings tougher, and make getting to work harder. I hope she changes her mind for at least a year. If she is more patient, she will find a place in the district we are in now.

We have not been separated for a year yet. The schedule is constantly changing. First we were using a 2/3/5/4 schedule. It meant we were changing houses only once during the week. She had the 5/2 part of the schedule. She complained that the kids didn’t feel like they saw her as much, so at the first of the year we swapped schedules. I got the 5/2 part of the schedule. The real reason that the kids felt this way, was because they hadn’t. I took the kids to most of their practices, even when they weren’t with me. There were a number of nights that I would be there while she did something else like the gym. I would do homework, fix dinner, and get them off to showers and bed. She would come home just in time to kiss them good night. This still happens some, but I am much more apt to ask her to bring them over to me, or go get them, and have them spend the night or evening with me. She hasn’t handled my oldest well. They explode at each other. I have posted about this before, and there is more to come. He has done some crazy things in his rages at her. Rages that just don’t happen with me. She has been threatening him with having to come live with me all the time. I finally pulled the trigger, and asked that she let me have him during the week. She would have any access to him she wanted, but he would spend the night with me. He would still have his weekends with her and his siblings, and he would be with me and the other kids when they were with me. It amounted to at most 2 days a week where he may not see his siblings. I thought this was needed to give them some space to develop a new kind of relationship. She was not sold, but went along with it for a week and a half. She then talked to a counselor about him and came over and pretty much took him. She wanted to have him when the other kids weren’t there, except the weekends. The weekends would stay the same. So now he spends 5 nights a week without his siblings. A new family dynamic is being created, and its not good. They still don’t get along any better. She just doesn’t explode in front of the other kids at him. This is sad for me. I really would rather be back on a schedule where he gets to be with his siblings all the time, especially if things aren’t going to change for him and her. I am sure that by the time school starts she will want another change. I am almost tempted to propose that we do one week on, and one week off. Friday through Thursday. We would still help each other with practices, but the consistency I can provide in week, I think would be good for all of them. It would feel less harried, and give me a better work schedule.

With the moving comes changing schools. My oldest has been in 4 different school systems and is only in sixth grade. The kid who hates change keeps getting changed. Even if she doesn’t move, she is trying to change his school to one that feeds into her high school, so she can keep a better eye on him. If she moves they all will be moved to another school, because she can’t get them or pick them up from school. They will have to go to a school where they can ride the bus for her place. I can’t keep them in the same schools. If they came to my schools, I would use the bus. I would also allow them to come to my place every afternoon and start homework until she gets off work. Something she won’t allow. She also won’t go for having to pick them up every afternoon. They have all just made some new great friends, and I am sad that she might uproot them again. Without a pattern of this changing all the time, I don’t believe that I can get them residential status with me to provide that stability. I am going to have to talk to a lawyer and see if filing for that type of custody would do some good.

Changing teams is the next thing she wants to change. She has tried ever season to move my kids from one team to another. She begins bad talking the coach, and making other people feel bad about them as well. I am not happy with this. My son is being made to feel bad about a coach who loves him. A coach who cares for him probably more than anyone outside the family. A coach who does a fine job, and mostly for free, even though he should be being paid. She is doing this for my daughter, who plays on a team with my niece. My niece fought hard to get on this team, and has been a great player on the team. They have fun together, and this is one of the rare times that they get to be together with the busy life our families have with four and three kids a piece. She has told me that it is my responsibility to get them together, and that it wouldn’t be her fault they see each other less. I haven’t told her, but I would not take her to games in favor of playing with cousins if that is the choice I am forced to make. I think I will win with my daughter, but not with my son. His coach is working with us while he is suspended from playing by us for grades and school work. Any random coach who just liked how he played would drop him from the team at the first opportunity, because he is not invested in him.

I hate the fact she constantly wants to change things for my kids. I hope she will settle down, but without me to settle her in her life as a husband, I doubt that she will. I fully expect she will become more chaotic. Divorce is such a huge change for the kids. I don’t think changing the rest of their life is smart, but I don’t have all the say. I hope that my kids get through this without any more damage than necessary. I will try hard to do this on my part.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Gladiators

HeligKo
#10: Gladiator

This is phenomena that I have been following the last few weeks. I haven’t done any studying, but have used the experience of having 4 kids who play on 8 different sports teams right now. Moms are treating their children as their personal gladiators. They push and push their kids to do better and better. This doesn’t sound bad on the surface. We should all like our children to pursue excellence. The problem is that it seems to be very comparative in nature. Women are constantly looking for their hero. Go out to any dating sight and you will see headlines referring to knights and heroes. Now this is a phenomena that seems to exist in all women and their children, but it is decidedly stronger in the single or divorced mother. What I have seen is women, particularly those with weak husbands or no husband begin to drive their children to perform better and better. This doesn’t only apply to sports. You will see this in school, the arts, and other areas where kids can be compared. This also isn’t just their male children. There are plenty of women driving their daughters to perform for the sake of being the best. All you have to do is turn on TLC and watch some of those _______ Mom’s shows. I don’t think this is a new phenomena. My reading of history tells me that any society that life has become to easy, and that the wars that are fought are far away begins to have this. Just as women used to give men something of theirs to have when they fought as knights, mothers see their children as fighting for them on the pitch or grid-iron. Somehow they feel like they are a part of it. Language can give this away in some nuanced ways. I used to get caught up in saying we had a bad game like I played. I never was that emotionally involved, but the language was there. I have realized over the last year of separation that my language has changed. Hers hasn’t. Its like she is a part of the game through them. I do think that this is worse in a world where these women don’t have men as heroes. Dads and husbands are not important in their life, or don’t exist. These women have displaced the adult masculine archetype with their little gladiators.

Another driver is the constant comparison that women do. They compare husbands or boyfriends. They compare houses and schools. They compare kids. They want their kids to be the smartest, fastest, strongest of all their friends. They will get angry, actually angry when their little one gets beat by another kid on the field. They aren’t just being overly critical, but are having a visceral emotional reaction to the event as if they experienced it themselves. Their champion isn’t the best. I see this as my wife isn’t happy unless my kids play on the best teams. They are good athletes and normally can play with whomever they like, but I have no desire for them to constantly be seeking the next best team. I was an athlete, and the relationships with teammates and coaches ultimately is far more important to me than being the best. I want the kids to learn and develop not only in their sport, but through their sport. I see very little of this from the moms. They seem to be looking for wins. An example that I see right now in my life is my oldest daughter. Her coach has pushed the team up a division. She wanted to test them, and see some different competition than the last season. They were a .500 team in the lower division. They haven’t won a game yet. The testing is working though. The division is small, and so they get to play most of the teams twice. So far they have played better games against each team they have played twice. They are becoming stronger and more skilled. They are also learning to overcome adversity of a stronger opponent, and get to see the results by playing the same teams again. I think it was a good choice. My STBEW does not. She was furious last week when my daughter was asked by her coach to help with a lower division team right before her game. She said something along the lines of “She is one of her best players, what is she thinking wearing her out before her own game.” I like that if my daughter wants to play she gets to. She is a good player, but at this level of play the best player changes from week to week, and that is how it should be. That is how they get better.

The craziest thing I have seen happen, and its creeping into my STBEW’s arsenal, is punishing for poor performance. Not taking them out for a promised treat. Actually being angry at a kid for not being their best. Making them feel bad about having a bad game. They feel bad enough. The best kids already take on the weight of the entire game on themselves. Sports in my opinion serve many purposes, but ultimately the kids aren’t going to learn most of those if they aren’t having fun. I have only punished my kids for things that happened in sports when they disrespected a coach. The rest of what happens on the field is up to the coach. I will talk with and partner with the coach on solutions for ongoing issues. Poor performance in competitive sports is generally punished with less play time. The kids learn quickly that if they do what the coach wants then they get to play. Now my experience is competitive sports. My opinion about recreational sports is that the parent may have to discipline poor behavior more, because play time incentives are hard when every kid should have equal time. Performance should not be a big issue in recreational sports. Many of the same lessons can be learned, but the intensity is very different.

This is similar to the previous one. Women are always looking to climb. They are much more likely to push their kids to change teams to find a better opportunity. Men seem much less likely to do this. They understand the value of the camaraderie of a team. I like the idea of my kid being on the same team for a long time. They develop lifelong friendships there. They can be a part time mercenary, if they want more games, meaning they can go play with other teams anytime they want. Kids who change teams constantly may be better at the sport than the other kids, but they are mercenaries. Just like the military has very little respect for the mercenary, even when they need them, so does the team that brings on a mercenary for a season. That kid will not be accepted, because everyone knows that he will be gone next season or next year. My daughter is on a team with her cousin. It is a good team. There are some moms trying to convince everyone that the coach isn’t very good. They are disrupting what is a pretty good thing for most of these girls, and especially good for a couple of girls I love. She wants her to change teams to a more prestigious coach. She has never seen a team he has coached. He just has the right credentials to be impressive to her. All her arguments about the team my daughter is on now, and why it is bad, also apply to the group of girls this guy is supplying. The icing on the cake to try to convince me to let her move is that another coach is going to allow his superior athlete daughter to play on the team. She misses the point. Its not actually about winning more games. Winning more games when they are young demonstrates development. I like to push my kids. This daughter already plays on a top division with team an age group up with this same girl. The problem is all these moms are missing the reality of who their kids are and what they have right now as they look for the bigger and better deal.

The final thing I see moms do, and this one is particular to the broad category of “single moms” is the tendency to try to imitate fathers. A harsh word from a father is taken differently than the same harsh words from a mother. As much as the world wants to deny that men and women are different, and that we fill different roles in our kids lives, it is true. They end at screaming at the kids for every technical detail of their play. I know some dads do this, and coaches tend to have a chat with them. The truth is the coach may have different desires. I find that I have stepped back. Having been a player and a coach, I have insight. Its not insight he needs during the game. I cheer, I encourage, and sometimes I have something to say about general game play, but I let the coach do the details. I can always talk to him about details on another day. I hear moms literally threaten punishment for poor play. I know the the quintessential overbearing dad shown in movies does this kind of thing, but I rarely see him. There is no more than one per team, if that many. Now I see multiple moms doing this. They are almost always “single moms” that are imitating what they think a father brings to the game for the kids.

My words to any mother who is in a situation where the father is not there, whether its a co-parenting situation, dad travels, or a true single motherhood, you are never going to be dad. Don’t try to replace dad. When dad isn’t there, the kid needs his mom to be the best mom she can be, and she can’t be that while trying to be a good dad to. Sure throw or kick the ball around with them, but coaches, male teachers, and neighborhood dads are going to give him a better dad experience than you are. Don’t force who gets to do this for your kids, especially boys. Sure guide them, but let it happen. If you are truly being a great mom, they will choose wisely. Now I say this with a forked tounge, because I don’t find that most women end up without the fathers around by making the best choices for their kids. If they did, then the father would be there in most cases. I do hope there are a few women who have turned around, and recognized the past mistakes, and are trying to do things right from here on out. This message is for you. You are not a dad, and can’t do it any better than I can be a mom. Dads are important, but a mom cannot be the missing dad. Being the best mom will soften the blow of not having their dad. I say this as a man who constantly is telling his kids that I am not your mother. I will not try to be your mother. I am your father, and I will continue to be your father for as long as I live. Your mother is your mother, and if you need your mother right now, I will do everything I can to get you to her. I do this with an ache in my stomach mourning that my kids are not in a two parent home where mom and dad are there together. I then go on and act like a dad. I hope my STBEW does the same, but I know she doesn’t. She tries to act like a dad, and my sons respond to her in ridiculous ways. She then calls me in a panic to get me to handle the problem she has created, if only she had been the mom, and handled it like a mom, or called me as the dad in the beginning to handle a situation that required a dad.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I am infuriated

HeligKo
the opinion ... Thomas Knight, who killed Miami couple and a prison guard, executed (Posted on Tuesday, 01.07.14) ...item 3.. "Faith, Food, Friday" Hosts Conversation On Justice (Jan 07, 2014) ...

Today my son chose to skip a class. This isn’t what has me infuriated. It was bound to happen some time. I wish it wasn’t in sixth grade, but he is going through a lot of shit. That of course has forced me and his mom to stop his sports for the remainder of the year. He didn’t have what he was supposed to have and didn’t want to face his teacher. He chose instead to go to the nurse, and then when she released him, he dug through his locker. After not finding what he needed he chose to wander the school until the next class. Obviously intolerable behavior.

What has me so mad, is my STBEW went to a counselor to prime him for seeing my son again. This is a man I have trusted. He has a simple way of looking at things. She managed to get an appointment at a time when I would be tied up with the the girls, getting them to and from their practices far enough apart that I shouldn’t be doing it alone, but she seems to never be available to help with this. She went to the counselor and somehow when she left he had recommended all the things she thought was the right thing to do for him. She is supreme manipulator, so that may be the case. I find it suspicious that he would recommend anything before seeing my son and talking to me. She came over and yelled and screamed at him while I was out, and then everything was calm when I got here. She had decided that it is better that he be with us alone, and separate from his siblings. I think that this is going to be incredibly destructive and is why I recommended that we do what we were doing. I have been very liberal in allowing him to stay with her when he and she asked the past couple of weeks. I also didn’t give him much choice about going over to her place for the weekend. I didn’t want to have the knock down drag out fight in front of him, but I find it incredible that she made this decision without talking to me first. The counselor according to her also recommends that he be medicated for his impulse control issues for his own safety, and that he should see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

The thing that I find amazing is that his behavior isn’t just a little different with me, but completely different. He is a different kid. He doesn’t have any impulse control issues with me. I fear for his future. She is going to fuck him up bad. He will be a mess when this is all over. I have to prepare to file for divorce, and ask for immediate custody of him. I will have to be aggressive. I need to start collecting evidence of her emotional and verbal abuse of him. I hate to think about doing this, but I believe she is going to destroy him beyond repair.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Observations over the weekend

HeligKo
White Knight

This weekend was a busy one. One of those crazy run all over town my kids are doing too much kind of weekends. I had 3 kids in 4 tournaments in 3 different places. This presented some time to take in the world. As I ran around, I spent a lot of time with different people in different situations. So here are three things that struck me over this weekend.

I was chatting with a mom at the batting cages. I didn’t know much about her situation. I know that the STBEW had been talking to her the day before. She opened the non-baseball talk with something along the lines of “Its great how you and her can work things out for the kids sake.” Now understand that was referring to us getting along well enough to get the 4 kids to their activities. She then went on to explain that she has been a single mom since her youngest was four and a half months old, and how their Dad wouldn’t always take the kids to everything on the weekends he had them. I listened as she finished with “Its all about them isn’t it” meaning the kids. First if it was all about them, I would meet far fewer women like her, because they would have figured out a way to stay with the Dad. Most of the time men are easy to keep. There was a time not long ago, I may not have judged the man harshly, but I would not understand why he wouldn’t take his daughter to both a softball game and a soccer game on the same day. Now I see it with a different set of eyes. This man has his kids every other weekend, that’s it. She moved from a town 30 minutes away, leaving him there. He chose not to pick up and leave. This happened to me, and I made a different choice, but I can understand not following her around. Mine wants to move again, and I will probably stay where I am at, so my kids can have some stability. Now if I only had my kids 4 days a month, I think that I might choose to filter their activities such that I got to spend more time with them. Now she painted this picture without saying the words that made him seem like a dead beat of sorts. She told me I would see him at the game. I found this woman attractive before she started talking. I lost some of that shimmer for her as she spoke. I found myself saying “that’s too bad” a lot during the conversation. She probably thought I was agreeing with her sentiment, but the truth is I meant that its too bad that this man was missing out on his kids life for whatever reason. I watched this man at the game. Not hard for me to do at a baseball game. I don’t like baseball much. He came with a daughter from another woman. He obviously had her full time or close to it. He interacted with her and his other daughter as a very genuine father, who knew that people had already judged him. He talked to no one else at the game except one of the coaches. I also watched that he multiple times gave this woman a chance to engage him, and she chose not to. I feel this man’s pain. I am forever changed by my experience, and I know what torture he must go through knowing that he does not have the right to protect his children as a father should.

The next one happened on Facebook. A girl I went to high school with posted one of those “support me, I have been wronged” posts I find that mostly single mothers post about the “son of a bitch” they chose to have kids with. She had sent her child to another city on an airplane to see their father. The father missed getting the child back on the plane in the morning, and she was incensed that not only did she go to the airport and not get her child, but didn’t get a phone call. She called and asked what the hell happened. He explained he thought the flight was in the evening not the morning. Now I saw the comments. Most from similar women saying OMG, and other trite things. They all called this man a pig. How dare he, blah, blah, blah. A few white knights stepped in saying they would kick his ass if they ever saw him. I am thinking to myself, why would this man call if he didn’t realize that the flight was at 5AM instead of 5PM. It would be hours before he realized the mistake. He acted completely reasonably, but everyone wanted to kill him. This again was a woman I once found attractive, but the shimmer was lost with posts like these. My new eyes made me see that this was the continuation of parental alienation. She would now have a reason and the support to deny the father of her children access to the kids they had together. He will probably now see them even less than he already does. I know from her posts that she moves around the country freely, which probably also complicates things for this man. I feel this man’s pain. I am forever changed by my experience, and I know the torture he must go through knowing that he does not have the right to protect his children like a father should.

The third is more personal. After my son won his soccer tournament. It was late, and I was ready to get my kids home. The youngest was tired and ready for bed. The oldest was just hanging out. The middle girl was at a friends and I needed to pick her up, and get some stuff she left in her mom’s car. The one who one who won needed to get his stuff from the car of his team mate’s grandma who had taken care of getting him from game to game over the weekend. I left with the three I had. Shortly after leaving I get an annoyed phone call from my STBEW. She had parked across the park in another lot. Something I would have no idea about, since she was there before I was. She was annoyed I hadn’t sent the boys or a boy with her to escort her to her car. She didn’t ask them to go. Somehow I was not doing my job as a man to think of her, and send a boy, and was also failing to train the boys how to properly treat their mother. If we were together, I would have known, and would have sent a boy with her, and we would have been going to the same home, so he would stay with her. Instead we are not together. My thoughtlessness should have been expected, because when she left my home and asked for a divorce, she also gave up my protection. I don’t understand how she believes that she should have my protection by proxy through the boys. I wasn’t going to argue the point with her. I also wasn’t going to agree to have a chat with the boys, because as I wrote before, chivalry is dead in Chivalry Lost. I see no reason to train my sons to treat women with deference, and their mother in particular. This is different than respecting her as a parent. Had she asked, I would have sent one, even though to get to her I would have had to make multiple u-turns and drive about 3 extra miles to get to the other parking lot. I struggle with how to handle this. I used to think that chivalry was something I should teach my sons. I used to believe that it was important, and it was my job to teach them that women were precious and deserved special care. The problem is the deal is broken. The social contract that was in place that chivalry was a part of him meant that women treated men with a certain respect for being men, and that her men were treated with even more deference. Now that she has left, she no longer has my protection. Our contract is broken. Why then should I train my sons to treat her in a way that I myself would not treat her any longer. Chivalry was taught from father to son mostly through interactions with their mother. Once you are separate that just isn’t going to happen. Now the other problem is that chivalry is something enforced by men for men. It is completely disrespectful for a woman to demand it, and to demand that I a man would teach it in the way she believes it should be done. Feminism has changed chivalry, something they were the beneficiary of but had no part in, into yet another female privileged they believe they deserve. I am sorry, but my sons will not be taught by me to treat women as princesses. They will get the respect they have earned and no more. They will get the protection and service my sons desire to give and no more. I will also teach my daughters that they do not deserve these things for just existing. Its sad the world is here, but surviving requires a new understanding of the social contract. It is time that the women in each of our lives understand that we know the social contract is broken, and they don’t get to write the rules all by themselves.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Guess I Am A Single Dad Now

HeligKo
Single Dad Laughing is a Vampire!

I have always loathed the idea that women who are divorced are single moms. Most share custody with a Dad, and they can hand the kid to the Dad with a little warning without issues. Most Dads I know truly would rather have their kids all the time, so willingly accept the kids on days that are not their days. Now by the definition of single mom, I must be a single dad. I could have been before. I had the kids half the time, but things have changed. I now will have my oldest during the week every day, and then he will go to his mom’s place on the same weekends as the other kids. I will have him 12 out of every 14 nights. It scares me a bit. I will have very little time to myself. My place is small, and so he will be on top of me a lot. I am excited, because I want nothing more than to have my kids with me all the time. I put up with their mom for so long, because I couldn’t imagine loosing time with my kids.

I expected this to happen. I didn’t know when, or the circumstances that would bring it about, but I knew that it would happen. She and him have a completely toxic relationship. They yell and scream at each other, and she projects a lot of her psychosis on him. He starts with angry and goes from there in every interaction with her, and she does the same with him. This past weekend was my weekend. She had asked for some extra time with the kids, or the ones who wanted to stay with her while she took care of her niece and nephew. I agreed. She progressively worked towards my oldest not being welcome. My oldest daughter had no desire to go. She wanted to spend the time with me. I as happy about that. She is a joy to be around, but she also takes a long time to get talking about anything, so time with her is important. Before I even get home from a soccer game, I get a text that she is bring my oldest to me. When she got there, she informed me that he got mad, and tried to jump out of the moving car. She left a rather nasty bruise on his arm grabbing him. In his anger, he said things like he would rather die than spend any time with her, and he wished she hadn’t grabbed him. I don’t believe he is a suicidal kid, but she believes the worst in him. I do believe that if things keep going the way they are going, he will become a suicidal kid.

She called me the next day. She had a plan that he would be at different houses than the other kids all the time, because of course the problem is how he interacts with the other kids. The idea of him not spending any time with his siblings was crushing my heart. I knew that I couldn’t wait for her to decide to kick him out. I needed to move now. I told her that I wanted him during the school week, and that she could have him on the weekends that she had the other kids. After some discussion, where she objected to being excluded from parenting and that I wasn’t reading things right. She accepted somewhat reluctantly that my desire is for their relationship to get better, and that less time right now might just let them cool off. I believe that with a rational person, this is possible. I don’t think it will entirely work with her, but maybe I can help him be more emotionally stable when engaging her. Her main complaints were that I didn’t focus enough on his school, and that he would likely fall behind with me all the time, and that I need to step it up. Which on the surface is correct. I have not been coming down on him as hard as he deserves about school. He has been dealing with our separation, a new school, and a mom who is constantly screaming at him. I figured she has pretty much covered anything he needs to hear about school and then some. I will need to develop better habits about following up with him on school issues.

I was tense last night. I yelled more than I like with the kids. They were snapping at each other more than usual. I am sure that the temperament was starting with me. Yes, unlike their mom, I realize that whether I try to or not, my tension spreads to them. I talked to my oldest about what me and his mom decided. It was interesting how he responded. He cried. He didn’t think it was fair that he wouldn’t see her as often as he saw me. I talked to him about trying to make the time with her better, and that with some bigger breaks maybe that would be possible. Then he stepped into something that by his response is a bigger fear. He feared that the other kids would bond more with each other, and he would be left out. To a degree, the same argument applies. They have been treating him badly based on how their mom treats him. I talked a bit about that with him. The hard part is, he knows what it is like to lose an entire family. He was our foster kid before we adopted him and his brother. He was old enough to recognize losing a mom, dad, and four siblings. His brother was enough younger that his primary bonding happened with us. His next fear was that his mom would realize that things were so much easier without him, and would not want to return to a schedule that included him after doing this for a while. This one was hard for me. I couldn’t tell him that I too believed this. That I believed that she was looking for a moment where this could happen, and that she was probably pleased that I asked for it instead of her throwing him out. I hope its not true. I will put up with this vile woman for my kids sake. They deserve a mom, and if a part time mom can have a healthier relationship with them, than a full time mom, then I hope that we get to a place where all the kids are with me sooner than later. I do believe that she will discard each one over time.

I have the major task of raising a man from a broken child. A child whose mother is constantly tampering with his emotions. She is still pressing to medicate him, and believes that he needs a full psychological evaluation. I don’t think so. I think he needs some love and consistency and understanding. All things that I will give him. I never asked for these challenges in life, but I willingly take them on for my kids. I hope that I can get a handle on this quickly enough to save this boy. He has so little of his formative years left. Soon he will be a teen, and will be moving towards being on his own. I give him a hard time about having to move out when he graduates high school or have a plan for the future that I can understand and support. I may have to give this kid a little slack there. He may need a couple more developmental years post high school.

Men, don’t marry. Don’t allow this to happen to you. Don’t get in a position where you feel helpless to the whims of your wife and the thugs of the system. I am fortunate in that my wife appears to not want to be the mother, but does not want to look bad along the way. If you want children, adopt them on your own without a woman. Raise them as they should be raised. The western world will devour you in one way or another as a man stupid enough to get married.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Can Smell the Change Coming

HeligKo
Day Three: Something Smells Rotten . . .

Its in the air. I can tell by her demeanor, she is up to something. Probably not anything nefarious, but something I am having a hard time facing. She is about to file for divorce. This isn’t so bad. I don’t trust her. I can’t stay married to her. I wouldn’t consider reconciliation, because I know that we would be back where we are now in a few years, and doing it twice would wreck the kids more than I can imaging. I don’t love her anymore, because I can’t. We don’t work anymore, because the bond was broken by her. It happened some time ago, but the final rip of the tape off my hairy arm was her moving out. This I have said before. Up until that point I would consider reconciling with her. I would say I would now, but the truth is the hill she has to climb is so insurmountable, I don’t believe she can do it. So why does it bother me. There are a few things.

The first is this is the final severing of the bond I entered into for a lifetime. I have to acknowledge once and for all that she did not enter into that bond with the same expectations. I have to acknowledge that I was lied to, and somewhere deep down I knew that. I wanted so badly to be married, and I loved this woman. I wanted it to be her. I have come to terms with this multiple times. Emotionally it rears its head again and again. The basic thing I must always remember is that I have control of one person in this world, and that is me. I entered into the bonds of marriage for it to be forever, and I never saw an escape hatch. That she did not enter into marriage to forsake all others forever and ever is not my problem.

The second is the loss of control. Right now things are pretty good. Is she going to try and change the playing field through divorce, or is she going to leave things as they are. Until we have it on paper and agreed upon, I won’t know for sure. I hope that she deals with me fairly and honestly, and with honor, but how can I believe that she will until she does. The very act of divorcing me is dishonorable. Time will tell.

the third is like the second. We will at some point have to allow the judge to rule. He may or may not accept the terms that we have determined are favorable for both of us. I hate that we as adults can’t come to a decision without a third party interjecting itself into the mix. I have to say that this bothers me on so many levels. The judge is acting for the state, not as a neutral party in divorce. He is trying to ensure the state won’t incur further costs do to our actions before it is evident that will happen. This is probably not legal under our laws, but they have been granted tremendous lea way in these matters.

The fourth is a bit more esoteric. I don’t want to be the divorced guy. I have spent my life in Christian circles with happily married couples. I don’t want to be that guy. I know that guy. People feel sorry for that guy, and he is invited, so he won’t be alone. All this is great for that guy, but I don’t want to be him. I would almost rather not be alone at the bar. I am never alone at the bar for very long.

One of my daughters had a birthday on Friday. She was at her mom’s place. Thursday, I stayed over late at her house and worked on some homework with my oldest son. I saw her anger and his anger collide. I saw it with fresh eyes. I hated it. It made me sad. I was exhausted when I left. I had dinner with my daughters earlier that night. It was nice, but a poor substitute for waking up with her in the morning. I was the Watchdog at her school for her birthday. That was great, but the night before, I went home and folded laundry while getting a fire going outside. I opened up the Captain Morgain Private Stock and drank. As I drank I began to cry. I never got drunk, but I needed the liquor to loosen me up and cry. I cried because I would not see my daughter wake up to her present in the morning. I cried because my son and my wife can’t seem to get it together, and I can’t help in many direct ways. I cried because my wife wants to drug my son into submission, and will probably win that battle, at least initially. I cried for the death of my marriage.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Raising My Kids Part Time

HeligKo
Daddy's Girls

Separation and divorce means I lose the every morning and every night influence on my kids. No matter how much I make sure I am available, half the time the kids aren’t going to bed under my roof and waking there. I hate it. I hate everything about it. At their mom’s house, she is much more likely to hand them off to the neighbor who’s fifth grade daughter already knows how to create sexual tension in a room. They are allowed to fight with each other in terrible ways. They are encouraged to tear each other down, and act like the parent to each other. When they come to my house, I have to deprogram them from this, and it is becoming harder and harder. I hope that the resistance that I feel now from them is the top of the hill, but I guess that it is not. I have to deal with her trying to medicate my oldest, because he is a tough kid. I am frustrated beyond anything I can understand, and I hate it. I have lost the right to daily influence of them. Not by my own actions, but because she decided that she didn’t want to be married to me. A year ago she asked me “Did my character change just because I don’t want to be married to you?” My answer was “Either that or I misjudged it from the beginning.” I am sure that I misjudged it now. I am sorry for my kids that this is the case. I am sorry because we adopted three kids, and I could have stopped that when I first saw the problems, but instead I assumed it was momentary weakness on her part, not a character flaw. I am sorry because we then had a child of our own. I do not regret that child, but I would do anything to protect her from what is happening now. It is my fault that we are here, not because of my actions, but my inaction. I could have stopped things when she proved herself unworthy of my love, and unworthy of my loyalty. I bought the Christian line that staying was noble. It was not. It was the path to raising my kids part time. Now I have to do all I can to raise them right, and let them know they are loved every day when I only have a right to see them half of the days.

Ten-Foured,

JeD