Tag: Relationships

Old Habits

HeligKo
"A Dastardly Deed in the "Old Castle"

In the nearly decade and a half of marriage to my wife, I have developed the habit of trying to predict what she would want. I learned that I needed to know how she will respond to something before I dealt with it. Her temper was so bad that I found that I just gave up the idea of asking her certain things. I would choose to not see friends because it might disrupt her plans. I would do my best to live my life without inconveniencing or embarrassing her. I would do these things as a means of survival, not because I loved her and wanted to make her happy. I would do this to avoid conflict that was inevitable anytime I had plans that were not hers. We aren’t just talking plans she didn’t like, but plans that weren’t hers.

Now as I, for lack of a better term, have a girlfriend. I caught myself doing this with her. My high school reunion is coming up, and I wanted her to go with me. I put off buying tickets for weeks, because I was busy trying to figure out what she would say and think about the issue. I was concerned, because I am not divorced yet. There are people that will be there that know this, and know my wife. I was trying to guess if this would bother her. It took me a few days to realize that I was being stupid. This is not how a healthy relationship works, and that I was placing my old patterns and behaviors into this new situation. I immediately texted her, and asked her to go to my reunion. I warned her that there were going to be people there that might know my situation. She said yes, and made fun of the anxiety I put myself through in asking her.

I related the story to my mom. Other than the fact she is uncomfortable talking about me dating, the conversation confirmed what I was thinking. She told me if it was that hard to figure out then it was not a good relationship. She also told me she would kill me if I got into another relationship with a woman who made it that hard. She asked how my girlfriend responded, and then said good. She was pleased that it was just me over thinking things, rather than the woman I was with deciding to put me through the ringer for the sake of demonstrating her power.

One of the things that I have to learn to do, is to catch when I am following old patterns that aren’t healthy. The inability to make decisions based on my preferences, and to constantly look for the hidden subtext of my partner is a horrible habit. Its not fair to her or me. If I want to know what she thinks, then I can expect that she will answer me without malice when I ask. This shouldn’t be hard to figure out, but the results of spending so many years in a relationship with a high conflict woman has made my responses, even to me, bizarre. The new thing for me, is I express the intellectual and emotional quandary that I put myself into to her, and she laughs and makes fun of me, and then reminds me that she is perfectly capable of letting me know how she thinks and feels without any help from me. Such a simple thing. Two adults dealing honestly with each other. It is so liberating. You would think that I have found the fountain of youth. I know that things with me and her may not work out, but I am learning that things don’t have to be as bad as they have been with my wife.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Playing with Fire

HeligKo

I am a man, and I know that fire is cool and fun. It is also dangerous. Dealing with the modern woman is playing with fire. The MGTOW group out there likes to call men who can’t or won’t walk away from women pussy addicts. Its more than that though. There is nothing like the emotions a woman can bring out in a man. The problem is that women know this, and often manipulate it. We were built for these partnerships. I don’t think the solution is to run away from them as a gender. I do sympathize with men who choose to do so, and have no harsh words for them as they pursue other interests with the additional time that they surely will have. It is playing with fire for all the reasons these men have gone the MGTOW route. They have all the legal power. They have all the social power. Men will surely stand up for them when someone says something not nice.

The flip side of this, is most women don’t realize the real power that they have. They coast through life and these things happen around them, but they don’t register the power. They can be self righteous princesses about the things they get, and believe it was just the right thing. They don’t realize the greater ramifications of how they got what they got. Some do, and they are ones generally to either stay clear of, unless they do because they have take the red pill and are in favor of changes. Women have always liked to be fought over, so they will stage scenarios for this to happen. It is best to avoid the fight, and walk from a woman who plays you like this, because she doesn’t see you as strong enough for her, and is choosing to test you again and again and again.

I decided that I did not want to live out the rest of my life without female attention. Wise or not, this is what I decided. I did the friends with benefits thing. I picked up random women and did or didn’t do things with them as I chose. Honestly this was all boring to me. I like to spend time with a thoughtful woman. One who is not completely self absorbed to the point of not being able to recognize he people’s needs around them. I went on a few dates. I met some interesting women, and I encountered red flags that told me that I wouldn’t get the best long term deal. Women who quickly wanted me to jump on their side on things between their ex and them. Trying to paint them as a bad guy early. Women who make it clear that some of the traditional things that I enjoy are out with them. Women who have to be in charge of every moment. I also met some women who very clearly were looking for a new daddy for their kids. Not that the old daddy was not present, but that they wanted to replace him. I met a couple who thought that they should just have someone to pay for their entertainment. All these women were out the door for me.

The one I met that stuck probably isn’t that different as for how and why she broke up her marriage. She wasn’t very introspective at the time about how she was feeling. She was just feeling. I hadn’t realized it until we were dating for a while that I knew her ex-husband as a child. He was a few years older than me in Boy Scouts. I knew the kind of guy that he was, and all that she has said about him and how he reacted to her seemed to jive well with the young man that I knew. There are a few things that have really drawn me in with her.

She early on when we started talking mentioned that she is always worried about how men will receive her, because she knows that most men did not seek their divorce and that most divorces are initiated by the wife. She explained that she knew that for many men she could be a constant reminder of the pain that their ex-wife left them with. The cost of her actions was not lost on her. This was true in how she engages her ex-husband as well. She is aware that her actions forever affected the relationship that they have, regardless of whether at the end of it all, he also wanted the divorce.

When it came to the issue of sex, she was much more quickly ready for us to sleep together. She came on to me physically, and when I told her that I wanted to wait longer before we did anything sexually, she responded with a joke of she has never had to be beaten back before, but then told me that I was in charge and to let her know when I was ready. I didn’t want to have sex too early for many reasons. The most important one is that I have had too many women who after having sex become too attached and hard to deal with while the relationship outside of the physical realm just stops. She thinks she has a boyfriend, and I am thinking about how to get rid of this boring woman. I took some time, and made sure that this woman was truly engaging, and that we were able to talk through disagreements on many issues. I wasn’t waiting for a fight, but just to see that she wasn’t just reflecting what I was saying back to me to appear more attractive. When we did finally have sex, it was great. Much different than the sex with women I barely knew. Much different than the sex I had with my wife. It was the kind of sex I had imagined I would have in marriage. The kind where we were both emotionally and physically satisfied. This of course turned on my red flag radar extra strong. I do not plan on having another relationship like my marriage. In my marriage we didn’t have sex until our marriage night, and up until that time she was extremely erotic and alluring. After that night, she was demanding and selfish and quickly (before the honeymoon was over) stingy with sex.

She does not think that marriage is a good deal for the couples involved. She hasn’t quite put her finger on the whole issue yet, but has made it clear that at a minimum the level of complacency most couples have in marriage is horrible for both people. That the demands and expectations that simply wearing a ring gave each were ridiculous and allowed no room for the couple to develop a healthy partnership based on the needs of their families. She wants a long term relationship. She really wants a forever relationship, but she is not sold that has to happen in marriage. I am very much of the same mind. I am extremely loyal, and will not run away from a woman during hard times, if we are committed. Its worth the argument, the discomfort, the tears, if there is the respect that when we are done with this problem we will grow from it. I have no patience for the grudge holding that destroys so many relationships. If either person is bitter and can’t get over it, then it is time to move on. Its not going to work, and that person doesn’t see the value in the other person to get right in their head about the relationship.

She has told me that her pussy is only for recreational purposes now. She has kids the same ages as my oldest and youngest. She enjoys sex more than any woman I have encountered. There is no blackmail for sex with her. She wants it from me. She joked about it once, and then quickly responded that she could never hold out, and she wasn’t willing to torture herself just to punish me. It would be better to have the sex and forget whatever the issue was. Now we haven’t had any real issues, and when we do, it will be an interesting test of how we handle it.

Another thing that has been very nice, is that with our kids schedules we are separated for days and sometimes more than a week at a time. During that time we have lots of time to think and reflect on our relationship. We also spend a lot of time simply chatting and talking on the phone. This allows us to not become immersed in the physical relationship and stop developing in the rest of it. Its a cross between the early relationships that I had as a teenager, and then the completely adult ones that I see others having. I am really enjoying it. We talk about the lessons learned from our pasts. We catch each other falling into old habits, and we both seem to have a genuine desire to move forward in a different way than our past.

One of the things that is important to me, is that I have a playmate. Not just in the bedroom, but in life. I want to ride bikes, compete, hike, and see the world together. I want to root her on as she runs a race, and here her cheering for me as I play a match of soccer. These are things where we can celebrate each other, and have memories to remind us why we want to get through the tough stuff. This is something I did not have in my marriage. I thought it would come, but it never did. Now I know that very little comes after you get married. If it is not there when you get married it is unlikely to ever come. Some things can be lost in marriage, because she is putting on fronts to encourage you to accept her. I will be watching for the red flags of this behavior. Facebook and other social media help in deciphering things like this. Sixteen years ago I had to rely on what I saw to determine what to expect. Now I can look at a social media archives and see if she shows that she has been interested in these things in the past, or if this is just a front for me. I found that one lady I dated didn’t give me any emotional chemistry to feed off of, but she is becoming a soccer buddy of mine. She is a woman I can play with, but there is little other attraction. I am not sure why. She is athletic, sexy, smart, and engaging, but she doesn’t make my heart race at all. This is just another way I have matured. In the past I would have had trouble not pursuing her, because she is desirable to others, but now it is all about me and what I want. I don’t feel bad in saying that, because I want someone to give to as well receive from, so it just has to match.

The lessons I am taking with me into this are these. I must ensure that I am getting what I want from the relationship. No one else will do that for me. I have to be physically and emotionally satisfied, while being intellectually astute to the realities around me. Kids are an obstacle to be overcome in the process of developing a love life of any kind. They always were, even in marriage. This is not said to diminish my children in my priorities, but to acknowledge that even as first in my priorities, they cannot be my exclusive priority or I will fizzle and burn out. I will speak my mind, and without fear that she will leave. Not because she won’t judge what I say and leave, but because if she does I am better off for it. We can disagree, even dramatically if we are allowed the room to speak our minds. I expect this room, and will use it. The ramifications will play out. I spent way too much time trying to make peace in my marriage over issues and ideas.

I no longer view any relationship as life long. That is up to both people involved and the test of time will answer the question, not some piece of paper filed with the court or vows taken before a minister. I would very much like a life long partner, and that is the single biggest thing that I begrudge my STBEW for in all this. She was never a good partner, so that is a philosophical grudge not one that I want remedied by her. If this woman or the next or one down the road proves to have the staying power, I will enjoy that very much, but I will not sacrifice my person-hood to achieve it ever again. I will be vulnerable to the pain that comes with sharing my heart with someone, who may or may not have my best intentions in their heart. I will never know until I let down the shield, but I will also never feel the things that I desire if I don’t take the risk. I no longer view women as the tender flower that need protecting that I used to. The are more like the porcelain. It is more fragile than stone, and very beautiful and delicate looking. It is quite hard though. Stronger than you expect when you first look at it. I will risk relationships, but with the knowledge of the red pill, and my own lessons as I go forward. I know that I am playing with fire, but fire is fun as well as dangerous. Fire serves a great utility as well as being destructive.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Facebook Stories

HeligKo

First, no this will not have anything to do with the use of Facebook to destroy marriages. That topic is fairly uninteresting, because it is not Facebook that facilitates cheating, it is just a means of communication, and the women who want to cheat will find a means to communicate and connect to willing men. This is about how Facebook tells the stories of people who go through divorce.

Recently I was told that an acquaintance of mine was divorced. He was one of my U6 coaches that went ahead and continued to coach in the U8 age groups. I liked the guy a lot. His wife was beautiful and engaging and his children were pleasant to be around. His wife was a friend of mine on Facebook. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t use Facebook. I went back through her history. Pursuing the story she was telling. There was very little there about her husband. I saw pictures of them happily on a cruise in January of 2011 with friends. That was it. Then after all the noise there are pictures of the Holidays without him. I was dismayed. I saw them out and about town on a regular basis. They were always a pleasant couple. So why does this couple get divorced with two kids under the age 8. All I have is rumors, but it seems she wasn’t happy, and wanted to pursue opening her own photography studio full time. His family business took too much time, and so she didn’t have time to do what she wanted full time. So shortly after the kids are all in school, she forces the issue with divorce. Now he has to take the kids, and she will have that time to do her thing. Oh but wait there were other pictures that showed up right after the divorce was final. The pictures of her and another man. As a matter of fact, it became her cover picture. I am sure the rumors play their part, but she was running a photography studio, and with both kids in school, she had the time to do that full time. A studio that she would not of had the luxury to open if it hadn’t been for that husband and his job supporting her getting it started, with the expensive cameras and equipment, and general lack of income until her name became known.

Another couple I have known for years went through a divorce. I had to remove the wife as a friend. Her posts became so toxic. Her Facebook story is one of a woman who was abandoned by a man who wasn’t taking care of her kids. A man who didn’t care about their fate. He just left and wasn’t fixing things at the house he promised to. The kids missed him because he was spending all his time with his new girlfriend. Now this couple I know the real story. You see it is a part of my story. The wife was a lifelong friend of my wife. She is a toxic, whorish, overbearing woman. She decided that she wanted a divorce. She hadn’t married the man who produced her first child. She had two children with her husband. She began picking fights with him whenever he was home about not doing enough around the house. She was a stay at home mom, who didn’t fix breakfast or dinner, didn’t vacuum, do laundry, or just about anything else. Oh and both the kids were very much school age. She then said she needed a social life. She began going out to bars, and hooking up with random guys. My wife would go also, supposedly to make sure this lady stayed out of trouble. I took this at face value, but since she wasn’t staying out of trouble, then what was my wife doing. Right, of course she was getting into her own trouble. This woman eventually kicked her husband out, then moved out. He moved back in, and then things went back and forth again. As they divorced. He paid the entirety of his paycheck to her, and then delivered pizzas at night for his living money. He has been chastised for not being more supportive with his fucked up stepson, who he was never allowed to be more than a baby sitter for. Well I recently had dinner with this man. Turns out she began turning the kids against him to the point who couldn’t handle having them with him the four days a month he was allowed. He got the child support adjusted to something that allowed him to have a life. He is now considering moving to another state for work, because he there isn’t much hope for him seeing his kids. I feel sorry for him. I know how he got there. I would make different choices, but he is of a generation a bit older than me. He also isn’t much of a fighter.

I find it interesting how things go on Facebook. It seems that when someone is talking about custody and divorce on their, well they are trying to control the conversation and shape the view others have. I generally find these people unbelievable. Other’s its the subtext that is there. The tone of their posts. The character of their pictures that tell the story. These are the ones that I am interested in. The story is partly there. You see it, but its not all there. Oh and I can make up the rest. I look for the hidden story. Sometimes I will send a message to a man to find out his story. Surprisingly most respond, and seem a bit surprised that anyone cared to ask. Women talk, even if no one wants to hear them. Their story will get out. Men tend to keep it in. They don’t want to air their dirty laundry for everyone. I have found though that this is not the case of its a privacy issue. They lost that with their wife’s blabbering most of the time. It is the case that they don’t want to force people to take sides, and they don’t want to force their burden onto someone else. Many men think telling the story without being asked is akin to asking for help. Keep this in mind. It has been a good thing for people to ask my story. It has let me know people care, and has helped me think through things as I share them with someone else.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Why Are Men Getting Angry

HeligKo
12 HOMENS E UMA SENTEN?A

Over at Dalrock – a case for anger there is a lively discussion over why MRAs/MGTOWs that have given up on American women are so angry over the things they see, because they aren’t the victim. There are so many good comments, you should go over and check it out.

Why am I angry. I am angry at the fact I am at the complete mercy of my wife. I am angry that as a Christian man I was called to be the leader of my house, but the modern feminist thinking that has infiltrated the church has women ruling the house, while showing absolute contempt for their men that don’t lead. Men are told that they are the problem. It doesn’t matter what the problem, its their fault in the family. If they had their act together, then their wife would be happy, their kids would be well behaved, and they would have plenty of money. The modern church has no compassion for its own men. The Bible is full of men who fail in every way. God used them. He held them up as models for us. These are the men we are to look at as our heroes, yet the modern man is not supposed to have their failing, their egos, or their masculinity. The modern man is supposed to have learned the lessons that some of these men took more than a century to learn the moment we declare ourselves a Christ follower. The women of course are subservient to the men. They follow their lead, and when they don’t, it is because the man wasn’t worthy of following. There is no admonishment of women who nag and brow beat their husband, though proverbs is full of admonishments of this kind of behavior. The modern Church has became a Dr. Phil session every Sunday for evangelicals, and a PHD level lecture on Christian philosophy in more tradional churches. Taking a non politically correct stand on anything other than homosexuality (and that is a stretch in many churches) is simply off limits.

I am angry because I am unable to protect my family. The jack booted thugs of our society have displaced me, and if given the word, they will beat me and take me away. I have no option other than that which my wife allows me. I have no fatherly rights without her allowing it. Our world has been turned on its head. The patriarchy protected women, first by allowing the men responsible for them to do so first. The patriarchy allowed men to be men and women to be women. The matriarchy allows none of that. Women and men must be treated the same in the matriarchy, and when men have an advantage simply by being men, they are to be held back by rules that shift the scales. The shift hardly ever actually balances the scales, it usually tips the scales the other way.

What good is the anger? Anger is the fuel for male change. Men will use the anger to fight for the rights that have been taken from them. Men will use the anger to fight for other men who need their help. Men will use the anger to counter their desire for what is normal, and right, because they can’t achieve that in the modern world. The anger protects them, and allows them to not give up. Too many men have found themselves feeling so out of control of their world that they seek the peace they can find in death. As men realize they are not alone in this horror, I pray that we see fewer suicides from these men, and that we come together to fight the war that some say has already been lost.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Breath of Fresh Air

HeligKo
Breathe Deeply

As I said before. I met a woman that is a breath of fresh air. Of course my expectations are different. I am not looking for a wife. I am looking for the finer things women have to offer without the mess. I don’t know that its possible, but I am willing to try. She is 14 years older than me. This of course presents many long term issues, but for now it nice. She has a different perspective than the women of my generation. She lived out the hard times. She doesn’t throw a lot of bullshit my way. There just doesn’t seem to be the games that I have had to deal with in the past, so either she is running a much more complex game, and I am toast or I have met someone that at least for the time being is going to be engaging to get to know and enjoy some time with her.

She gives me hope that things are totally ruined between men and women. The culture is a mess, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t navigate it without dropping out. At least I hope so. I think marriage is broken beyond repair. I don’t believe that it can be fixed. Now its time for us men to create a new deal. What does that look like? I think first is we have to preserve a distance. We can’t move in or have them move in. To eliminate our own spaces is death like modern marriage. Pretty soon the laws treats it the same anyway. We need to have strong boundaries in our financial, personal, and love life. We can’t let the modern woman invade to deeply, or at least not too quickly. The commitment levels are just not what is needed to make it worth the potential costs. It used to be a man knew that he was getting someone who would stick by him through the worst of things in marriage, but now it is until she has become bored and bled you of your emotional self worth. This is not what men thought they were getting, but they must understand most women get married believing they have an escape hatch.

I guess this is why a widow is attractive to me. Not a cougar, though she might be one, but a woman who stood by her husband until he died. Still looked at him as her strong man, even when he was weak and dying. This is what has drawn me to this woman. Now I must be cautious, because I am not that man to her. I will see where life takes me, but I don’t plan on this being a solo ride. I don’t want to give up the greater things women have to offer me. It is just time to think of these relationships differently than before.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

What’s So Bad

HeligKo
73/365 - Snap snap

Sorry for the somewhat chaotic thoughts last night. I was tired and just needed to dump some of my thoughts. One of the points that I was trying to get at is that there is no separation of parties in a divorce with children. We will forever be linked by the children. While the children are minors we talk nearly daily. The conversations haven’t changed much that we have, but now they happen over the phone instead of face to face. My life is not that different now than it was before. I take care of my children. I see them almost every day, because there are four children, and she isn’t able to get them where they need to be and still hang out at the gym without my help. Again no big change here. When the kids are with me, I usually make it work without her help. I don’t want to deal with any complaints about her needing time for this or that. There were plenty of nights that this was true before. The changes in my life are that I seek out some friendships that I wasn’t able to maintain when we were together. She prevented me from having a social life. She still tries, but its harder for her to do this now. I now have sex pretty much whenever I desire it and have time for it. Not that I am going out to find some whorish woman at a bar. I have been surprised by the women who approached me after my separation started. Of course before our separation, I hadn’t had sex in over a year, because I was a married man, and I took vows that said I wouldn’t do that, even though she saw no need to live out that part of marriage with me. I may not be divorced yet, but we are not living as man and wife, and I won’t pretend that after her violating our vows multiple times to the point where she leaves me, I no longer will act like a married man. I am certain that I should have thrown her out long ago. I should have seen this day coming. I honored my vows to the detriment of my marriage. A paradox that remains unsolvable.

Now what was so bad. I went to work, and made good money. I loved my kids, and cared for them whenever I was with them. I loved my wife, even though she treated me with contempt most of our marriage. Aren’t these all things that should have made a marriage work. I was the protector of the family in many cases where I had to make a strong stand for their well being. So where did I go wrong? Why could I not keep my wife? I am not asking why would I want to keep my wife. There were few good reasons beyond the children left. Her contempt was disgusting and selfish. It was escalated to force me to leave her, and when that did not work her contempt grew, and she finally left. Raising the kids is harder now. Having time to myself is more abundant, but I have less control of when now, and so does she. Finances are harder now. Trusting is harder now. I expect that is true for her to. Not that I have broken trusts, but that her own ability to do so must make her distrust others, and expect that they too will handle the her trust in the same way. The thing I lost that hurts the most is the dream of growing old with someone, and sharing the good and bad times. This may sound ridiculous, but you have to understand I never disliked my wife, and she never showed that she disliked me. I would have been happy to be with someone forever, even if there was not one ounce of romance in the relationship. I know this might be strange, but it is true.

So the paradox is, I lost her because I kept her. With her very first breaking of the vows, I should have tossed her. At the time we had our boys as foster children. We had not adopted yet. We had a dog and a small house. We had very little debt, and it would have been easy. I believed the Christian propaganda that holding on to the marriage was valuable. The truth is holding on to a bad deal is not valuable, and it will end eventually. Sure I have my honor. I kept my vows, even when I had the chance to break them without being found out. That honor means nothing to me right now. I should have tossed her. The truth is that is the only way I could have kept her. You see I never made her value the marriage. I never made her understand the significance of her actions. I also failed to protect the pussy, and then was willing to accept it again without making her regret giving away what was mine. I had never been cheated on before. I had no idea how to handle it. I also wasn’t promiscuous, so the whole sexual value system was not in my mind. I was used to women wanting my attention, and not having to work hard for dates, but since sex was not what my end goal was, I really never thought about these things. So what I did is allow her to give up the goods to another man with little consequence. Ultimately this conveyed that she was not valued. It took ten years for that to destroy what we had. I don’t know that she would have tried to keep what we had if I had tossed her. That is precisely why I didn’t, but now I regret that decision. I will count it as wisdom learned to share with my sons and any other man I encounter who needs it.

My final thoughts come to this. Women if you value your marriage, don’t toss him if he cheats once. That is not the price that will make a man value you. As a matter of fact, do not punish him at all. Give him a pass fairly quickly, and show him that you value him with your increased attention. Not desperate, strings attached, please stay kind of attention, but the kind of attention that shows that you value him for his masculinity. That is the thing most men are seeking when they cheat. That is for time one. After that, if you take care of him and he continues to wander, give him the boot.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Things Change…

HeligKo
Crysalis

Things change, perspectives change, desires change, and feelings change. This is no large epiphany, even for one like me. I couldn’t imagine a year ago that I would be sitting in my own place typing a blog about the demise of my marriage, and the ongoing saga of taking care of my kids, and managing my wife. A year ago I was scrambling to save my marriage. I was appeasing her whims, and she was drinking it up like a little princess, but she wasn’t being convinced that anything was worth staying for. A year ago I hugged my wife and was crying over the fact my father was near death from lung cancer, and was left feeling worse for the lack of the simplest empathy I received from her. It was cold. It was the moment I realized that there wasn’t really any hope. Shortly after this she looked at me in a store, and said “So, do I get a new ring if I decide to stay.” Further confirmation that she no longer cared to honor her vows, but might take a bribe to stay a little longer. I continued to try, but I also had to begin thinking of what life might be like a part. A year ago I valued my marriage for the commitment, the promise to her before God, and the family it provided for my children. A year ago I believed that she would grow up and be a big girl and honor our vows, even if it required a new agreement of what our relationship would look like. A year ago I would have believed that my children were better off if we were together, and that I was a better father married to their mother.

Now I am piece by piece separating our lives. I am working on having as many details figured out and working before we go through the process of divorce. I am putting back together my reputation at work that has suffered while I was floundering to save my marriage at home. I entertain only the whims of my wife that give me even more time with my children. Now, I hug my friends and cry to them as we have to deal with my father’s brain cancer, and hope that it too can be treated. I play soccer every week now, something I never was given time to do before. I spend my time wondering why she stayed to watch the game when she dropped off the kids. I am starting to have a vision of life with her on the periphery, while I do my part to raise my kids, and love them to the best of my ability. I try to buffer the damage of her constant rage with with the kids. I am rebuilding relationships that were lost in the isolation of my marriage. I no longer believe that our children are better off with us together, because I was not a better father married to her their mother.

Changing Perspectives

I am a believer in marriage as God created it. I believe even with the fallen state of man, because God created it for fallen man. My perspective has changed, because we no longer have marriage. With the constructs that we call marriage today, what we have is some strange dating ritual people enter into often after some long period of traditional dating, but that is not required. Divorce is something that has always been a part of marriage, but it has always had shame and consequences for the parties involved attached to it. The current state of things clearly has taken away any real consequence for women. The power women have in marriage and divorce destroys the credibility of modern marriage. Men are relegated to some sort of servant status in both situations should the woman choose to pull the triggers that make it happen. Not all women do, but they all can.

I believe that two parents working together as a married couple to raise children is the absolute best situation the kids. What I am struggling to believe is that it is good for my sons to see me treated as something a step above the family dog. I also struggle that it was better for my relationship with my kids to be constantly trying to mediate the tension of an angry woman and hurt children, and to meet out the punishment so that their mother could cool off, because she would continue to escalate the situation. The children would probably have a better relationship with her if we stayed together, but they would lose the influence I have on them now, because I had no time to do anything other than be in the middle. The additional stresses on my children make me sad, and if both of us were willing to work on the marriage to make it healthy, then being married and in the same home would have been better. Amazingly, my parents, my best friend, my sister, and our friends have all pointed out that I and the kids are probably better off over time in this. What is surprising is all these people I think of are strong Christians who are quick to condemn divorce, and generally actively work to preserve marriages. I had no idea how my marriage looked to others. That is new perspective.

Changing Desires

I used to desire marriage. I wanted what my parents had. I was willing to work for it. I thought I chose someone who also valued those things. I overlooked a lot of things that I now know should have been red flags. Now my desires don’t include a wife. Not just the one that I have had, but any wife. I love women. I love how they feel. I love how they talk. I love how they make me feel when they care. All of that doesn’t matter anymore. I can have that in small doses, so long as it doesn’t interfere with me and my kids. My kids don’t need a stepmother to mess with their lives and to compete for my attention. Perhaps my desire will change in this, but for now all I desire is to do some of the things I gave up, so I could have a marriage. I desire to write a book. It doesn’t have to be published or even read by anyone else. I just want to write one for the pure enjoyment of writing. I want to spend more time doing photography. I have enjoyed the art of photography since high school, but I gave that up because it took time away from my energy sapping marriage. I will write the system configuration documentation and change software that I have drawn up on paper now at least 30 times. I know that’s not sexy, but its something that I have a vision for and want to see working.

Feelings Change

This is the one that I have learned the most about over the last year. I learned that if I put in the effort I could love a woman that does little but spew bile in my direction. I also learned that no matter what I do, I can’t change the feelings of another. Love is something that you have to decide to do, and it takes work. When only one partner does this, the marriage is constantly at risk. It can survive, but there isn’t much of value there. I have also learned that when there is desire for a relationship of both parties, one choosing to love can lead to amazing results. I have seen this with my kids. They respond to me so much differently than they used to. They show me so much more affection than they used to. They spend so much less time in fear of how I or their mother might react, because I am no longer being fed by her fire. I still have my moments, and I struggle to pull the kids out of the boxes that their mother put them, and constantly shoves them back into when they are with her. I am beginning to see them respond better to each other. She has fostered an environment that encourages them to back bite and fight. When they are with me, I have to actively discourage that, but it gets better faster every time they are with me.

So things change. Sometimes it hurts, but its also opportunity to make things better. I have learned that people don’t do what they say they will all the time, and that sometimes dreams won’t come true no matter how hard you try and wish. I am also learning to not begrudge those who have been able to live the dream I had. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, marriage was a gamble. It always has been, but in the modern world it is a bigger gamble than ever. I can’t say that I regret my marriage. We had some good times, and I have my kids. I might dream of how it could have been different with one of the other women that I dated and sought my attention, but I always come back to the fact I wouldn’t have my four kids. I can never regret that no matter how angry and hurt I am by her.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Hawaii Five-O on Divorce

HeligKo
#1319 Hawaii Five-O tie-up with police

Before Christmas I was catching up on some TV and was struck by a comment a female character on the show Hawaii Five-O said. Danno was driving with his female partner. She was a fairly new character, and so they didn’t know each other well. He was fiddling with his ring finger as he drove. She said something along the lines of “So, how long.” He didn’t understand the question, so she explained “You were rubbing where your wedding ring used to be. All divorced men do that when they are thinking about their marriage. So, how long has it been.” The conversation went on briefly, and her comment towards the end floored me. “Men just don’t seem to understand that marriages end.” This seems like such a simple comment, but it really does define where our culture is right now. She said it with an attitude that seemed to say that men are the stupid ones in this. That comment demonstrates two points in our culture right now. One, that women don’t view marriage as a life long commitment. Two, that men are foolish for seeing it as one. The second point I write with both sarcasm and sincerity. We are foolish for believing it is forever, because the majority of marriages don’t last forever. The problem is, it is supposed to be, and a man who enters into marriage generally has weighed the losses of getting married, and judged that the value of this life long commitment is worth the cost. Most would not make the same judgement when viewing it as a long term relationship stage with a ceremony for the express purpose of feeding the ego of the bride at a tremendous cost to the couple or their parents. Because the costs of divorce rarely are apparent to the women, they don’t view marriage as something more than a long term deal to have some kids without dishonor, and maybe enjoy the fruits of a mans labor for as long as they can, even after the marriage is over. I make no claim that women don’t pay a cost. Its an extreme cost, and one that the shallow view of marriage and divorce does not make apparent to them without spending some time looking around them. Most divorced women suffer financially over time, because the same short sighted view of marriage invades other parts of their life, and they tend not to plan for the future financially. The men who they left have fewer resources most of the time, yet they start to worry immediately about the next month, year, 5 years, and so on. They may flounder initially, but start to flourish again. They then have learned to live on a budget that is stunted by child support and maintenance, and when those payments are complete, they are able to turn that money directly towards investments and savings. They may be starting late, but are able to invest at a higher rate late in life to make up for it. The women on the other hand will have to deal with the fact that the money they used to rely on is gone, and if they fail to reduce their lifestyle they go bankrupt. The short sighted view of the women who view marriage this way also fails to account for the fact that these men are fathers to their children, and they will be in their life whether they like it or not. Most men in unloving marriages make the decision along the way that it is better to find a working relationship inside marriage than to divorce because of this. They take a long view.

We are at a crossroads. As time goes on marriage is unlikely to survive. Men don’t seek temporary long term relationships the way women have designed them. They will opt out of marriage, rather than deal with women who won’t honor their promises. Men don’t want a marriage that has been stripped of its meaning. Unless marriage can be turned back into something that people choose to end only in the most dire circumstances, then marriage will have shot its final shot in the west. I fear that this will be the end of the western world as well.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Chivalry Lost

HeligKo
Chivalry

I have a bad habit of trolling through craigslist ads. Mostly because they crack me up. I never in my life seen so many BBW women wondering where their prince charming is. Well for the record, he left with the skinny chick. The other common theme I see is all these women complaining about no chivalrous men left out there. I am sure there are some. They are happily married and retired. Lets define what chivalry really is, because I think it has been lost on so many in our society. Women want it, even expect it, and men don’t do it because they are tired of the madness that this post-modern world has created in relation to men and women.

The first thing to extinguish is the idea that any woman deserves chivalry. It’s origins is from the days of knights. It has many meanings, but generally came from the concepts of how a knight is to behave himself when not in battle. I suppose the ideas spread as at every age, men preferred to liken themselves to the battle hardened warriors of their era, rather than to the realities of their life, so they adopted the behaviors they attributed to knighthood into their daily lives. Chivalry defined how a knight was to behave in the castles and court. They were to extend certain courtesies to those around them. Acknowledging that they were under their authority. Things like opening doors for even the little lordlings and ladies who had no true command of resources or physical ability to have authority over a knight was a for of respect. . The knights extended these courtesies to ladies of the court that also had no authority, nor any honor due to them. This extension was submitting an honor or power to someone else, that they had no right to. I am not going to talk about all the aspects of chivalry, but this last point is important to understand. Chivalry as we understand it in modern culture is based on the voluntary submission of privilege or position to honor someone else. You must also understand that socially, politically, and in almost every other way in the cultures women were not afforded the same “rights” as men. This public showing also demonstrated that this man was providing protection of the woman. Chivalry was far less practical in the home. Men didn’t show the same deference for his wife. He also in the average family home gave her far more equality in decision making for the family than she was allowed in public. This meant that the power difference in the home was less, and the was less honor to give by the husband.

Lets skip ahead to modern times. As women have become publicly and socially equals to men, so has chivalry faded. The men have less power than they used to. These courtesies are based in power, so it stands to reason that men would be less chivalrous than they were in days gone. Allowing a woman to pass before you is not a courtesy when she can merely just go before you without prejudice. There is no cause for chivalry when the decision is hers to make. There is no social or legal moor to prevent her from retaining the right of way when passing through a door. In the past the woman would have waited for the man, and he would then open the door and allow her passage as a courtesy. I have rarely seen a woman in the modern world who pauses for a man to go first, so it stands to reason that there is no reason for him to allow a courtesy that there is little opportunity to provide.

Lets further explore the realities of the modern world. Men are second class citizens in the west. We are treated as necessary evils. Where men in the past treated women as things to be treasured when they had the power. In many ways women were treated as fragile, but valued. Now men are treated as the unwanted dog, or the jester in modern society. We are objects to be tolerated or laughed at. We have very little true power in society or in the family. We aren’t even considered physical threats. This negates chivalry. If men were to try to be chivalrous, it would really be duty to keep the women who have the real power now happy. Chivalry is not rooted in duty. If there is chivalry to be shared, then it is the women who should be chivalrous to the men. They hold the levers of power now, so I should have more doors held open for me.

Before I get a bunch of NAWALT type arguments, it doesn’t matter. Societal moors, family courts, and DV laws have changed the playing field. If you don’t like what you see from men out there, I suggest you go talk to women. Women need to stop fighting for more to be taken away from men. They need to stop breaking up families because life is hard, and when they do, they need to accept that it is going to be hard to work with that man to raise kids in separate households. Women need to fight for men to have a strong footing in society again. Stop complaining, and look at the playing field from a man’s perspective. If you want men to behave like men of the past, then the world they live in needs to look more like the world of the past. If you want men who are going to use you, and go about their lives doing what makes them happy, then keep on doing what you are doing. Men will adapt, and you are not going to find freedom when men stop making themselves a choice in your lives. There will be fewer and fewer gullible chumps looking to marry you, because that is how you raise a family, since very few families are being raised by an intact family any more. The dream has been exposed to young men, and they aren’t signing up for what their fathers endured.

Ten-Foured,

JeD