In my Facebook feed I see this slide show of cheating responses.. Some of them are very funny. By the end of the slide show, I am thinking to myself that there are very few that deal with women cheating. The premise is that its okay to figuratively burn a man at the stake for cheating, but what about the women. I know from experience that the message men get when their women cheat is to forgive them, and that it is just a sign that there is something wrong in the relationship. The man is told that her cheating is his fault, and that his cheating is her fault. I have commented on this before, but the glaring absence of harsh consequences for women in this slideshow I think makes a good point on our culture.
Check out this not really related, but entertaining video from Metallica’s Kill Them All album while reading the rest of this post.
Women are absolved from their bad behavior. Men are punished regardless of whether they are the ones that committed a real wrong or not. I know that my ex cheated on me, and I was never allowed to live it down. At that time, I struggled with what I could have done to prevent this. I bought into the Christian BS that told me that if I had been the “Biblical” husband that I was called to be, then this would never have happened. This kind of magical thinking hurts men in their relationships. Men should hold women to account for their actions. Their should be consequences for behaving badly, and though yes the desire to cheat might be a sign of issues in the relationship, it is is not license to actually break your wedding vows. That is a moral failure that our society treats as otherwise.
The slideshow shows a slice of reality when a man cheats. We see that their property is forfeit. Society thinks its okay for it to be destroyed or otherwise disposed of in the fits of rage the women have. Even the one man in the group who is cheated on targets the other man, not his wife. Its like she has no duplicity in the actions. He wasn’t wronged by his neighbor, but by his wife. That fact escapes him, and he has no problem destroying the man’s reputation in the community, but from the message it seems that he will be keeping the cheating wife.
Now understand that a man who does the things that are shown in this slideshow to a women or her things will go to jail. Some of the women might get a slap from a family court judge, but they will not see any jail cell for this destruction of personal property. A man would be hauled off in cuffs. Even with what is shown, the man is likely to get hauled off to protect the woman from his potential anger at her destroying his stuff. Women get a free pass to this bad behavior. We are told that the law does not allow us to seek our own justice in these cases, but here we are celebrating the punishment of bad, but not illegal behavior with what is often illegal behavior.
In my own marriage, I was subjected to overt cheating around 4 years in. I chose to stay with her, and that led to much of what this blog has been about. I to this day have not recovered from the emotional damage that relationship has done to me. I continue to be abused through the family courts, and as a man who earns just shy of 6 figures, I can’t pay my rent this month. More on that in another post. I was made to feel guilty for her cheating. I had pastors and therapists try to get me to evaluate my role in her cheating. As I look back at it, I have to ask how is it I didn’t even get to have an orgasm, but somehow I am at fault. Men need to stop accepting these arguments. Violating the marriage vows is an action that is not justified by any amount of satisfactions with the marriage. It isn’t acceptable for men to do it, nor should it be acceptable for women to do it. Fixing a marriage after such an act requires that the person who committed the act to regain the trust of the other person. There is no way to fix any of the other problems in marriage without regaining the trust. Men are often expected to not only skip this, but to accept near full responsibility for the problems that led her astray. When a man cheats, he is expected to deal with it, and often pay for it for the rest of the marriage. He is expected to regain her trust. He is expected to fix the problems in the marriage. Now I will admit that when there is cheating there are often other problems that lead to the vulnerability to cheating, but it doesn’t justify the cheating. When cheating has occurred and the trust is regained, then both partners need to work on the other issues. Its a fallacy to believe you can work on those problems before trust is regained, and in cases where trust cannot be regained, then the relationship is over.
I know many men that will attempt to rescue the marriage because of the kids. This is not a good idea. The motivation is wrong, and usually only one sided. I say this to both the men who have cheated and the men who have been cheated on. The women know that they are likely to gain control of the kids. They will play along to take their time figuring out their next move, and you will pay for it. If the kids are all you have to stay together for, then start the divorce now. I don’t say this because I don’t believe the kids are worth, but because society doesn’t tell her the kids are worth it. You see she will believe she is the better parent, and will have no problem taking the kids from you. The fact the court will play along with her will make her feel justified in her actions. Later when the kids are messed up without a good father in the house, she will be allowed to blame you for that failing to. Men need to understand that there is no winning, so limit your losses. Walk away and figure out the life you can build with the new constraints that will be on you. Don’t live for another decade like I did. All it does is make you feel like you wasted a decade of your life. I say this knowing that I would not have adopted my oldest 3 children, and would not have my daughter. All of which I love dearly, even my oldest that I can’t figure out how to engage anymore after what he did. I I had left my ex when she cheated on me, I would likely be a millionaire now in both my retirement and my savings. I would have the freedom to start my own company and live by my own rules. I am now forced to work for her benefit and comfort. I struggle to maintain the little I can afford. I earn about 40% more than the median family income is where I live, but have to budget my lifestyle based on someone who earns around 30% less than the median family income.
Its time for change in the results in these situations. Nothing will change if men continue to just suck it up and take it. I watch so many men who are stuck. Myself included. I never thought I would be counting down the time until my kids grow up, but I do. I have 7 years and just shy of 9 months left on this sentence. I used to look forward to every moment of raising my kids. Now I see every disappointment as I cannot provide for them directly. I can’t afford to take them out for ice cream. I can’t take them to a ball game or a festival. All things that I earn enough for them to do. My income affords them these things with their mother. Their experience with their mother is so much better than they get with me, because I have to pay for it. Fatherhood, the greatest gift god gave me, has become my prison.
Here is another slideshow that demonstrates how things differ for men and women. Divorce cakes that show violence against the men is acceptable. There are a couple that show the opposite, but I am still struck by what people find acceptable. This one might be a stretch, but I had the same reaction to it, so I share it.