Hard Day

098/365 Some days are harder than others

This should be a hard day. Its 10/4. Its the day I was married 14 years ago. I expected the wash of emotions I felt a couple of weeks ago on my son’s birthday that had me stay home throwing up. I expected sadness. I expected something. It just feels like another day to me. I don’t really know what to think. My marriage was hard, but I loved the woman, but after such a short amount of time, I already have no desire for what we had.

I was talking with a friend last night. She stopped by to make sure that I knew that the lady I have been playing with life is a mess. I knew this. She knows this. We are hanging out, and having fun. Not your typical friends with benefits, since we are becoming friends and that is OK. There is enough physical space for us, and our circles are separated enough that we won’t be constantly running into each other if things change. Back to the friend last night. She was asking me if I could get together, and talk about things. See if things have changed. My first reaction was she wouldn’t, and to get a bit mopy and defeatist, but the truth took over. I don’t want to. I really don’t. A year from now, when new patterns are set in each of our lives, then if she wanted to talk, I might be open to it. I am done pursuing her. We had those talks at least once a month for the last 6 months we lived together. I am not going to pursue her, she would have to initiate anything. She is the one that left, and she will have to be the one to come back and ask for another chance. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect this. I wouldn’t have open arms, saying “Its been so long. I am glad you came to your senses.” She flat out rejected me. She made it clear she doesn’t love me. With her mouth, and her actions over the years, and more so the last few months. All I desire right now is a good enough relationship to finish raising our kids minimizing the damage from a broken home.

She has rationalized these effects, and rationalized that feelings are what matters. She has made herself the center of the decision, and not only placed me, but our kids as secondary issues that will be able to manage regardless of her actions. I have no desire to re-enter a relationship with her. The risks are too high for my children. They will suffer from our split, but they would suffer more if we create a pattern of coming together and splitting, then they will be far more damaged and confused as they enter adulthood, and try to form their own relationships. It will already be hard for me to encourage my sons if they are considering marriage. Unless the landscape of the US family law changes, I won’t be ashamed to tell them to have an extremely explicit prenuptial agreement. They can always change it as they decide that she is more or less trustworthy. If she is less, of course it will require the threat of divorce to modify it. I know that if I consider marriage again, then I will enter into as a legal business contract to protect what I have for my kids. There won’t be any new kids. I have four, and I can’t see having kids with another woman, and they see that kid have the life that me and their mom couldn’t provide to them. That will limit the women that will want to be with me long term.

Well as I said, it is strange that this day is not hard. It should be. I passed on a night at the bar with old friends tonight to be with my kids. I figured it would be safer than going out today. Unless something hits me later, then I could have gone without a problem. This ride is an interesting one. I will see where it takes me. I have a few back story posts I plan on sharing, but I will be mixing in current posts as well. There are many that are coming every week.