Its Not Mania…

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No I am not manic. I move with waves of emotion lately. My life is going to be a mess for a while. There is no way around it. The DUI is going to fuck shit up. My dad is dying. My best friend is the busiest man on the planet. I have very few people I am close to in this world. Because of my dad, my mom isn’t really available for all my pain. She has her own. Shit I am a part of her pain right now. My dad won’t live to see me thrive again. He will die with me almost or barely divorced. On some sort of court ordered program that treats me like a drunk. Generally in the last months of my dad’s life, he will have disapproved of my choices more than he approved of them. Some of that is his cancer affecting how he sees things, and some of it is just him feeling free to say what he thinks after ignoring my problems in my marriage for so long. My best friend works with youth, and lives 45 minutes away. He is free when I am at work, and at work when I am free. I don’t get to see him but once every few months. I am lonely. I found some relief at the bar for a while. No not the one where I got the DUI. That couldn’t last for long. I will find no peace. My life is that of a disciplinarian and taxi driver. I don’t get good time with my kids anymore. Their mom moved them to the other side of the county. I now don’t get them home until practice is over. I don’t do homework with them. I don’t get to do dinner with them, except in a hurried task before we get ready for bed. I haven’t had a movie night with them in forever. The stress in my life makes me an angry dad. My cranky old neighbor pointed that out to me, when he was telling me some stories of my boys being good boys in the neighborhood. I am lonely with no hope of not being lonely any time soon. My dreams are lost. I don’t see myself being able to ever take that backpack trip with my boys. I don’t see myself ever being able to take them to the beach. I don’t see myself ever being able to a lot of things. I hope I am wrong, but right now it is hard to get past the loneliness.