Tag: Anger

Hard Lesson Learned

HeligKo
Lesotho - Maseru Qoaling School - John Hogg - 090626 (14)

I tried hard to get an agreement with my wife that worked for both of us. I was informed this morning that she filed for divorce. I spent most of the day stressing over what she put in the temporary orders. Something that of course we haven’t needed for the last almost two years to make things work. She has now gone after child support based on bogus numbers. Child support that will if I can’t get it fixed put me in a position that I cannot afford to continue to live where I live now. I live in a 3 bedroom duplex. When I have my kids there are 5 of us in this duplex. On top of that I am expected to pay 1/2 of all their expenses. Literally child support doesn’t pay for their extra-curricular, school, or medical expenses. I know this is not a shocker to anyone reading this, but it pisses me off that I am supposed to pay those in proportion to our gross incomes, but after child support her monthly income is greater than mine. This just reinforces to me that child support is bogus in most cases where the father is actively involved. I have the kids 1/2 the time or better. I will not be able to maintain a home that can fit my family when this is done. I continue to cut expenses hoping to get ahead, yet my ex keeps finding ways to increase my expenses related to children. I hate her. I really do. I can’t even say she changed. I was blind to what she was. She is truly a horrible human being, and only cares for herself.

I was hoping to stay off using the adversarial system, but she has changed the game on that. Greed of course has driven her. I stand to lose in this system. The question is by how much do I stand to lose. I hope that I can afford a lawyer that can do something to limit that loss. If not, then I stand to lose time with my children, because I will paying for all their shit. I am sure that they will love me for that, because stuff is really what matters. Not time with their father. If I am lucky, I will have a wonderful new wife/girlfriend who will at least tell them how great I am while I work my second and third job to pay the home they stay in when they are with me. I actually do have a girlfriend who is pretty great, and much better with a limited budget than I am. I can hope that she really does figure out some ways to help me out there. We plan on combining households this summer. I was nervous about it before, but now it seems that may be the only way I can find a way out of this mess. I do love her, and she seems to be in every way the opposite of my ex, so at least she brings new problems to the table if there are some.

I am disgusted that in divorce the children are used as the leverage for me to continue to pay for the lifestyle of a woman who chose not to be with me. I can only hope that she remains as bad at budgeting as she is now, and that she is blindsided as the kids age out of support, and she goes bankrupt and miserable alone with a bunch of fucking cats she can’t feed anymore. I know that sounds awful, but as it stands now my divorce will cost me half a million dollars when you consider that amount of money that I have to send to her in the name of the kids. Money I could just as easily just pay the expenses with. Instead I have to pay her. What does this do? This shifts the balance of power to her. The person with the money has the power. The government ensures that women get the power.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

What does dinner mean?

HeligKo
Top Ramen

I have noticed lately as I pick up the kids from my STBEW’s house that she is fixing dinner. Crazy I know. The reason I comment on it, is she is clearly making dinner for her and her new boyfriend. It really bothers me. I thought about why that was. Her having a boyfriend doesn’t bother me. As a matter of fact, it tends to make my life easier. She doesn’t get mad that I don’t do the “man” things for her. She doesn’t get that isn’t a part of the deal anymore. She wanted her cake and to eat it too with this whole divorce/separation thing. So why does it bother me.

Well first, she rarely made dinner for our family even as a stay at home mom. If we ate a hot meal, I would cook it most times. This ventures into a couple different areas. The first is, why wasn’t I worthy of her care in this way as her husband? Why did I not merit this attention? Why could I not even get her attention to go out to eat without the kids? None of the answers to the questions really matter. My mind just spins with them. I get angry. This was something that would have helped our relationship. It was something that I had told her that was important to me.

The second is why doesn’t she do this for the kids when they are there? Why don’t they deserve this care? This part makes me really angry. She moved over the summer. This move has made it so I can no longer have my afternoon routine that I used to have. I used to cook dinner for the kids while we worked on homework. I used to help with homework. She took both of these from me and them. I now pick them up and run off to practice pretty much every night of the week that I have them. I then take them home to rush through fixing them dinner and usher them to showers. It pisses me off that she takes this away from me and them, and does none of it to fill the gaps for them. It pisses me off that she is so selfish as to move for her convenience over the betterment of her children, and their father. She is so callous as to say this to a friend like it should be expected.

Then BOOM, it hits me. She is the most selfish person I know. She always has been. She is doing what she needs to do to have the attention of this man. She married me to try to please her father. It didn’t work. I wasn’t right in his mind for some silly list of reasons. I wasn’t right for her, because my skin is too pale. She rarely dated any white men. Something I was not told until after we were married, probably because she assumed, rightly, that I would have left. As many red flags as I missed, that is one that I would have caught. I had seen it before with friends. She wants to look like a good mom. She will fix enough dinners for them to make that look good. She doesn’t care if she is a good mom. Most of the time she does okay. I know that throughout history bad moms have raised good kids, so I won’t get to focused on this. The kids will have to make their own choices about how they want their future to look.

So what is really eating at me. Well this is a reminder of the promise of marriage. I was at the grocery store at lunch. I saw couples old and not so old wandering through the store together. They were happy. They smiled. They seemed to enjoy each other. They didn’t look strained. These are the things I wanted. My STBEW used to make fun of my sister and her husband for doing things like shopping together. It was so impractical. Guess what, that is exactly why it was important. That impracticality is what made it special. I can forgive her for so many things, even the desire for divorce. I can’t forgive her for never giving our marriage a chance. For never putting herself into it with her whole heart. I can’t forgive her for robbing me of the opportunity of trying to have a life of deep commitment to the woman I love. She got married with an exit plan, so it was riskier to dive that deep than it was to not do so. I can’t forgive her for robbing me of that opportunity. We might have failed, but as it was we never had a chance. If I am ever to find that woman, and am able to foster that relationship with her, then maybe I can forgive her for this. I doubt I will have that chance as I try to raise my children. I expect that woman will be busy doing the same herself, and it will be stupid luck if we ever cross paths in such a way to notice each other romantically.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

An Angry Day

HeligKo
Fell On Black Days

Today I was angry. Angry about everything. I yelled and cried a lot. I was home sick, and it just came over me. I am angry that my life will not turn out like I planned. It can’t. I have been robbed of that opportunity. There is no hope for me growing old with my wife and looking back at the family we created together. Its not going to happen. Our kids will visit each of us separately to show off the grand kids. If they are lucky, they will have a spouse who truly believes in marriage, but in this world that is unlikely to happen.

So the biggest thing that I was angry about is how my wife discarded our marriage. Not just when she left me, but when she cheated. She made my a cuckold in my marriage. Maybe not completely, but effectively. I had to beg for sex, and it was still withheld more often than not. She disgusts me, because she was never honest with me. She was never in love with me. I was just a man who met her needs at the time. She may have been wrapped up into the marriage to deep to just run when she was done, but she was never invested in me. The marriage didn’t work, because one of us wasn’t present. I was accused of being that someone multiple times, but I can say that other than a brief time towards the end, I was fully present and lonely.

I was angry that as a result of that marriage, I am now single. I will likely remain single. The odds of me meeting the woman that will take on a man that has four kids and won’t have any more is small. I won’t have the time to to look for her. I have the kids. I won’t have the finances for years to do it either. It will be almost five years before I have my debt paid for. It will be over 10 years before my kids are grown. The only thing I would want a woman for at that time is to not be alone. I sure hope by then, I do better at being alone.

I was mad at God or the Church or both. I was mad that because of what I was taught, I felt trapped in a marriage where my wife didn’t care for me. Where she violated the vows multiple times. On the surface, I knew I could walk, but the lessons drilled into me over the years told me I was a better man than that, and could forgive her. The same people told her that it was my fault she cheated, that it was my fault she was unhappy, and that God did not want her to be unhappy. She got the excuses, while I got the responsibilities.

I was mad that sex in marriage sucked in every way. That sex since marriage has not sucked. I want sex. I have to move past feeling that I need sex, but I want it. I can’t ignore that, and won’t ever be in a situation where the woman I am with does not provide sex.

I have to accept that I will likely spend most of the rest of my life alone. I will not have a woman to share life’s experiences with. Girlfriends are likely to be far and few between. I don’t like it, but it is something I will have to come to terms with, and soon.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Dinner With My Parents

HeligKo
john singer sargent: a dinner table at night

Tonight I had dinner with my parents. I knew there would be certain subjects that would come up. One of course is my dad’s health. He is dying, and although he looks pretty good, we all know that his time is limited. Its a strange conversation to have to have with him, but I suppose it is easier than being surprised by his death.

The other is church. My mom is upset that I stopped going to church. She keeps talking about it as a base for me and the kids. The problem is, that isn’t what the church has been for me. It felt like it, until I had troubles. Then I felt like an iceberg that everyone avoids running into. Afraid I might sink their ship. My pastor during my split with my wife was a big help. The rest of the church slowly moved away from me. I remember when my wife cheated on me and admitted it, being made to feel like it was in part my fault, and that her dissatisfaction was something I could fix. It wasn’t mine to fix. The church made me feel not like a failure in my marriage. The church made me feel trapped in my marriage with no escape. I see the church everyday justify how women break up families, while they torment the man with his shortcomings. I don’t have a the patience for the church, nor to find one that is different. All these things, I told her. She thinks I am a bit nuts on the subject, and maybe I am.

The part I didn’t say is this. It is also because of the church I was made to feel dirty because I was upset about the lack of sex in my marriage. That I needed to be a better husband, and she would come around. That I felt trapped in a shell that was supposed to be something rich, but it wasn’t. I don’t plan on living a sexually pure life. I know that it goes against my christian doctrines, but the beauty of sex in marriage simply did not exist for me. I have had much better experiences than any I had in marriage, since. I would be run out of most churches after sleeping with a few of the single princesses that left their previous husbands. I would be a pariah by their standards, and maybe they would be right.

My mom started to tell me about how I would meet someone, and have the love I deserved, I shut her down. One, I don’t deserve anything. Two, it is so unlikely that I will find a woman who can handle the reality of me and my four kids, and an ex that I see almost everyday. If that woman exists, the likelihood that with my limited time will meet her is very small. I am destined to a few months of fun here and there for the next 10 years. Then after a few months the woman will get frustrated and walk away. If I am lucky, when the kids are grown, I will have the financial resources to attract some young ladies to keep my life exciting for a while at a time.

I struggle with being angry. I don’t know how I can’t be angry. I wasn’t supposed to have to make the choice about dating or being single ever again. I wasn’t supposed to have a broken marriage. Now that my marriage is over, I still have to face the person who has forced this on me almost every day. I have to smile and be nice because of the kids. In any other relationship, if things go south, you just walk away. Its done. Time takes care of the rest, and if you happen to see each other again, you can smile and be kind. It doesn’t hurt.

I finally have to face that I allowed all of this. I was in love and failed to see the truth in my face. I was reminded by my parents that before I got married she said the words “I love him, but am not in love with him” My best man and my father knew that these were not the words she should be saying. They tried to convince me to end the engagement. I wouldn’t accept the truth. So much so, that I hadn’t remembered the incident at all. If ever your best friend tells you to not marry someone, then listen very carefully. Men don’t be stupid. I married a woman who made it clear that she was just looking for a wedding. She proved her words to be true every chance she got, and I wondered what I did wrong. The answer is simple. I married her anyway.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I am infuriated

HeligKo
the opinion ... Thomas Knight, who killed Miami couple and a prison guard, executed (Posted on Tuesday, 01.07.14) ...item 3.. "Faith, Food, Friday" Hosts Conversation On Justice (Jan 07, 2014) ...

Today my son chose to skip a class. This isn’t what has me infuriated. It was bound to happen some time. I wish it wasn’t in sixth grade, but he is going through a lot of shit. That of course has forced me and his mom to stop his sports for the remainder of the year. He didn’t have what he was supposed to have and didn’t want to face his teacher. He chose instead to go to the nurse, and then when she released him, he dug through his locker. After not finding what he needed he chose to wander the school until the next class. Obviously intolerable behavior.

What has me so mad, is my STBEW went to a counselor to prime him for seeing my son again. This is a man I have trusted. He has a simple way of looking at things. She managed to get an appointment at a time when I would be tied up with the the girls, getting them to and from their practices far enough apart that I shouldn’t be doing it alone, but she seems to never be available to help with this. She went to the counselor and somehow when she left he had recommended all the things she thought was the right thing to do for him. She is supreme manipulator, so that may be the case. I find it suspicious that he would recommend anything before seeing my son and talking to me. She came over and yelled and screamed at him while I was out, and then everything was calm when I got here. She had decided that it is better that he be with us alone, and separate from his siblings. I think that this is going to be incredibly destructive and is why I recommended that we do what we were doing. I have been very liberal in allowing him to stay with her when he and she asked the past couple of weeks. I also didn’t give him much choice about going over to her place for the weekend. I didn’t want to have the knock down drag out fight in front of him, but I find it incredible that she made this decision without talking to me first. The counselor according to her also recommends that he be medicated for his impulse control issues for his own safety, and that he should see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

The thing that I find amazing is that his behavior isn’t just a little different with me, but completely different. He is a different kid. He doesn’t have any impulse control issues with me. I fear for his future. She is going to fuck him up bad. He will be a mess when this is all over. I have to prepare to file for divorce, and ask for immediate custody of him. I will have to be aggressive. I need to start collecting evidence of her emotional and verbal abuse of him. I hate to think about doing this, but I believe she is going to destroy him beyond repair.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Guess I Am A Single Dad Now

HeligKo
Single Dad Laughing is a Vampire!

I have always loathed the idea that women who are divorced are single moms. Most share custody with a Dad, and they can hand the kid to the Dad with a little warning without issues. Most Dads I know truly would rather have their kids all the time, so willingly accept the kids on days that are not their days. Now by the definition of single mom, I must be a single dad. I could have been before. I had the kids half the time, but things have changed. I now will have my oldest during the week every day, and then he will go to his mom’s place on the same weekends as the other kids. I will have him 12 out of every 14 nights. It scares me a bit. I will have very little time to myself. My place is small, and so he will be on top of me a lot. I am excited, because I want nothing more than to have my kids with me all the time. I put up with their mom for so long, because I couldn’t imagine loosing time with my kids.

I expected this to happen. I didn’t know when, or the circumstances that would bring it about, but I knew that it would happen. She and him have a completely toxic relationship. They yell and scream at each other, and she projects a lot of her psychosis on him. He starts with angry and goes from there in every interaction with her, and she does the same with him. This past weekend was my weekend. She had asked for some extra time with the kids, or the ones who wanted to stay with her while she took care of her niece and nephew. I agreed. She progressively worked towards my oldest not being welcome. My oldest daughter had no desire to go. She wanted to spend the time with me. I as happy about that. She is a joy to be around, but she also takes a long time to get talking about anything, so time with her is important. Before I even get home from a soccer game, I get a text that she is bring my oldest to me. When she got there, she informed me that he got mad, and tried to jump out of the moving car. She left a rather nasty bruise on his arm grabbing him. In his anger, he said things like he would rather die than spend any time with her, and he wished she hadn’t grabbed him. I don’t believe he is a suicidal kid, but she believes the worst in him. I do believe that if things keep going the way they are going, he will become a suicidal kid.

She called me the next day. She had a plan that he would be at different houses than the other kids all the time, because of course the problem is how he interacts with the other kids. The idea of him not spending any time with his siblings was crushing my heart. I knew that I couldn’t wait for her to decide to kick him out. I needed to move now. I told her that I wanted him during the school week, and that she could have him on the weekends that she had the other kids. After some discussion, where she objected to being excluded from parenting and that I wasn’t reading things right. She accepted somewhat reluctantly that my desire is for their relationship to get better, and that less time right now might just let them cool off. I believe that with a rational person, this is possible. I don’t think it will entirely work with her, but maybe I can help him be more emotionally stable when engaging her. Her main complaints were that I didn’t focus enough on his school, and that he would likely fall behind with me all the time, and that I need to step it up. Which on the surface is correct. I have not been coming down on him as hard as he deserves about school. He has been dealing with our separation, a new school, and a mom who is constantly screaming at him. I figured she has pretty much covered anything he needs to hear about school and then some. I will need to develop better habits about following up with him on school issues.

I was tense last night. I yelled more than I like with the kids. They were snapping at each other more than usual. I am sure that the temperament was starting with me. Yes, unlike their mom, I realize that whether I try to or not, my tension spreads to them. I talked to my oldest about what me and his mom decided. It was interesting how he responded. He cried. He didn’t think it was fair that he wouldn’t see her as often as he saw me. I talked to him about trying to make the time with her better, and that with some bigger breaks maybe that would be possible. Then he stepped into something that by his response is a bigger fear. He feared that the other kids would bond more with each other, and he would be left out. To a degree, the same argument applies. They have been treating him badly based on how their mom treats him. I talked a bit about that with him. The hard part is, he knows what it is like to lose an entire family. He was our foster kid before we adopted him and his brother. He was old enough to recognize losing a mom, dad, and four siblings. His brother was enough younger that his primary bonding happened with us. His next fear was that his mom would realize that things were so much easier without him, and would not want to return to a schedule that included him after doing this for a while. This one was hard for me. I couldn’t tell him that I too believed this. That I believed that she was looking for a moment where this could happen, and that she was probably pleased that I asked for it instead of her throwing him out. I hope its not true. I will put up with this vile woman for my kids sake. They deserve a mom, and if a part time mom can have a healthier relationship with them, than a full time mom, then I hope that we get to a place where all the kids are with me sooner than later. I do believe that she will discard each one over time.

I have the major task of raising a man from a broken child. A child whose mother is constantly tampering with his emotions. She is still pressing to medicate him, and believes that he needs a full psychological evaluation. I don’t think so. I think he needs some love and consistency and understanding. All things that I will give him. I never asked for these challenges in life, but I willingly take them on for my kids. I hope that I can get a handle on this quickly enough to save this boy. He has so little of his formative years left. Soon he will be a teen, and will be moving towards being on his own. I give him a hard time about having to move out when he graduates high school or have a plan for the future that I can understand and support. I may have to give this kid a little slack there. He may need a couple more developmental years post high school.

Men, don’t marry. Don’t allow this to happen to you. Don’t get in a position where you feel helpless to the whims of your wife and the thugs of the system. I am fortunate in that my wife appears to not want to be the mother, but does not want to look bad along the way. If you want children, adopt them on your own without a woman. Raise them as they should be raised. The western world will devour you in one way or another as a man stupid enough to get married.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Why Are Men Getting Angry

HeligKo
12 HOMENS E UMA SENTEN?A

Over at Dalrock – a case for anger there is a lively discussion over why MRAs/MGTOWs that have given up on American women are so angry over the things they see, because they aren’t the victim. There are so many good comments, you should go over and check it out.

Why am I angry. I am angry at the fact I am at the complete mercy of my wife. I am angry that as a Christian man I was called to be the leader of my house, but the modern feminist thinking that has infiltrated the church has women ruling the house, while showing absolute contempt for their men that don’t lead. Men are told that they are the problem. It doesn’t matter what the problem, its their fault in the family. If they had their act together, then their wife would be happy, their kids would be well behaved, and they would have plenty of money. The modern church has no compassion for its own men. The Bible is full of men who fail in every way. God used them. He held them up as models for us. These are the men we are to look at as our heroes, yet the modern man is not supposed to have their failing, their egos, or their masculinity. The modern man is supposed to have learned the lessons that some of these men took more than a century to learn the moment we declare ourselves a Christ follower. The women of course are subservient to the men. They follow their lead, and when they don’t, it is because the man wasn’t worthy of following. There is no admonishment of women who nag and brow beat their husband, though proverbs is full of admonishments of this kind of behavior. The modern Church has became a Dr. Phil session every Sunday for evangelicals, and a PHD level lecture on Christian philosophy in more tradional churches. Taking a non politically correct stand on anything other than homosexuality (and that is a stretch in many churches) is simply off limits.

I am angry because I am unable to protect my family. The jack booted thugs of our society have displaced me, and if given the word, they will beat me and take me away. I have no option other than that which my wife allows me. I have no fatherly rights without her allowing it. Our world has been turned on its head. The patriarchy protected women, first by allowing the men responsible for them to do so first. The patriarchy allowed men to be men and women to be women. The matriarchy allows none of that. Women and men must be treated the same in the matriarchy, and when men have an advantage simply by being men, they are to be held back by rules that shift the scales. The shift hardly ever actually balances the scales, it usually tips the scales the other way.

What good is the anger? Anger is the fuel for male change. Men will use the anger to fight for the rights that have been taken from them. Men will use the anger to fight for other men who need their help. Men will use the anger to counter their desire for what is normal, and right, because they can’t achieve that in the modern world. The anger protects them, and allows them to not give up. Too many men have found themselves feeling so out of control of their world that they seek the peace they can find in death. As men realize they are not alone in this horror, I pray that we see fewer suicides from these men, and that we come together to fight the war that some say has already been lost.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

I Remember When

HeligKo
I remember When

This weekend was a hell of a weekend. I went out with some high school friends. We heard a band, and I at some point went from drinking to way to fucking drunk. I haven’t done that in a long time. Not sure what happened after the piece of pizza. I know that I was pulling idiots off the stage who were messing with the band. Not sure why someone didn’t deck me. I guess the shiny head still intimidates people enough to think twice. Friday night started with a flat tire on the way to my soccer game. I was going to pick up my boys to watch me play. I didn’t make it there. I got the tire fixed before this night on the town.

Saturday morning I headed out to see the boys play soccer at 8AM. My car just died. The idiot me the night before forgot to bring in my phone. It was dead, and not fairing well on the car charger. It was cold. Like 10 degrees cold. I got the car into a parking lot, and managed to slip a text out to my wife as the phone lost its mind. She knew I was not making it to the game. Since the phone wasn’t working, I started to walk. I walked to my parents house. Of course they weren’t home. I then walked home. It was a 6 mile walk in bitter cold. I felt horrible when I got home. I had not dressed for that walk. I couldn’t get warm, I was exhausted from the walk and the night before. My wife came by with the boys to get some shoes. She was pissed, and stomping around. She just kept saying that if I had answered my phone she would have helped. She wouldn’t believe that my phone was dead. She had weaved her story and didn’t want it changed. She had made my boys believe that I didn’t go to their game, because I was lazy and didn’t want to get up. She made everyone believe that at the game. My kids, the other families as if it were any of their fucking business. I had to spend my morning Sunday explaining to all of them what had happened.

I was reminded of how in the past I would have accepted her story, and wove mine around hers. I would do this to avoid the fight, and to avoid embarrassing her. It was one of the ways she would isolate and embarrass me. It was incredibly strange seeing this from a new perspective. Thank goodness I was exhausted, and just wanted to figure out my car and go to sleep. I didn’t respond to her at all. This totally threw her off balance, and so she had to find a place of certainty again, so she begins to agree with me, and let me lead with things regarding the kids for the next few days without any argument. I don’t know that I understand her psychosis, but I am learning how to manage it for my advantage, now if only I can figure out how use that for my kids advantage, or teach them the same thing.

It is in these hard times, that my family steps in and helps. They never did before, because they had been isolated from me by my wife. It these times that I realize how bad things were, and how beat down I was. I still have a hard time understanding how I got there. It is so different than how I was before, and how I feel now. When we first got together I had compassion for her, and the things that had been hard in her life. I now have contempt, because she has used those things, which were very hard to manipulate me and others to be put under her will. It is sad. So many people who have wanted to lift her up, and help her, and she has abused that every step of the way. Not this guy anymore.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

Struggling to Get Over It

HeligKo
my attempt to get over myself

Its a strange paradox that I live in now. I can’t get past the betrayal my wife has committed. It doesn’t matter, because I don’t have to live with it in my face. She left, and that was the final betrayal. I can’t stop thinking about it. It infuriates me that I will not have what my parents have. I will not get til death do us part. I am sure that most sane men knew that going in. The marriage gamble does not work out for most of us. Somehow I thought it would be different for me. I ran with a crowd that valued marriage from the start. We didn’t have to be coerced, bribed, or scared to marry our women. We wanted to find a wife, and do so early. Yes I ran with Christians, and believed that I might be more immune to the pains of divorce and infidelity because Christian men sought out Christian women. Well that was before the red pill was crammed down my throat, and I nearly choked on it. I read Atholnow, and he makes some interesting points. I don’t believe most of them would save a marriage like mine. It would have made it somewhat more enjoyable, and it may have lasted longer, or it may have killed it quicker. That was my entry into the MRA world. I have found many other resources to keep my brain spinning. I have watched to see what holds water. I have become angry that my wife is exactly like every other woman out there. That path has led me to a point that I am at now. I was mostly there when she moved out, and closer when I moved out, but now I am firmly in the camp of I don’t want her anymore. I don’t really know where to go from here. I have spent so long trying to hold my marriage together, and now that is the last thing I want. I have no idea what’s next. I know that I don’t really want another wife. The promise of marriage was one person for the rest of my life. This culture no longer supports that, so I have no idea what purpose marriage serves. I am mad that when I have something to share, she isn’t there to listen. I am mad that when I grow old, it will be without the warmth of her beside me. I am mad that my children don’t have what I had. The comfort and protection of a mom and a dad right there for them whenever they need us.

The reality that I have to accept is this. She is in my life forever. Til death do us part has not changed, just the way it plays out. We have four children together, and so there will be no way to avoid her. I will live close to her at least the next decade while my children grow up. They will have me always a few minutes away if they need me. If I reach a point where I want a woman in my life, I will forgo anything that will interferes with my children, and that includes living together or getting married again until such a time my children don’t have to live with that choice in their daily lives. No woman would want what I offer any way. I offer leaving at a moments notice to take care of my children wherever and whenever they need it, and they need it a lot with the world their mother is weaving for them. I may seek periodic sex, but I don’t see that becoming anything more significant anytime soon.

I know this post is rambling a bit, but I needed to dump this crap filling my mind.

Ten-Foured,

JeD

How Disappointing

HeligKo
Rosy #2

This weekend started out fine, but it ended quite disappointingly. There was soccer galore. The boys both played in a soccer tournament. One of them managed to beat a team they have never beaten in many outings. It was fun to see them overcome that obstacle. They were in a tough division. All the teams finished 1 and 2. The part where the weekend went south started with my youngest daughter’s coach. He decided as they were pummeled by another team that he needed to bench my daughter. Understand she is in second grade. He had her on the bench for the majority of the second half. She was embarrassed. Her feelings were hurt, and she didn’t understand what she had done wrong. I have always understood that in competitive soccer my kids may not get the most playing time if they aren’t performing, but to bench a kid when no one is performing well and the game is over before the second half even starts, and to bench the only child who figured out how to score a goal in the entire game seems harsh, especially at this age. She is the youngest on the team, and he has had two different standards on the team. The standard for her is that when she fails it is indicative of the gap of her skill to other girls. The other girls are allowed to not treat her as a team mate. They can choose not to pass the ball to her, and to run her off the ball. These are things that will not be tolerated if they were done to other girls on the team.

The next thing that was disappointing is for the three day weekend I asked her if she wanted to have a girls day, and boys day. I though the girls would stay overnight with her, and the boys with me. We could do things each would like. Well overnight became she would come get the girls in the morning, and then it became 2PM. My youngest was getting mad and I was having to find ways to explain why mom was not going to come earlier while I had no idea myself. I wish she had just said no she didn’t want to do it, because both my girls felt cheated with the abbreviated day, and so did the boys.

The good part is the boys and me got to go frisbee golfing, and the girls did get to go get their nails done with their mom. There was a soccer practice in their for my older daughter, then they had dinner. I am glad that it worked out, but I don’t understand why she doesn’t value every minute she has with kids.

Ten-Foured,

JeD