What does dinner mean?

Top Ramen

I have noticed lately as I pick up the kids from my STBEW’s house that she is fixing dinner. Crazy I know. The reason I comment on it, is she is clearly making dinner for her and her new boyfriend. It really bothers me. I thought about why that was. Her having a boyfriend doesn’t bother me. As a matter of fact, it tends to make my life easier. She doesn’t get mad that I don’t do the “man” things for her. She doesn’t get that isn’t a part of the deal anymore. She wanted her cake and to eat it too with this whole divorce/separation thing. So why does it bother me.

Well first, she rarely made dinner for our family even as a stay at home mom. If we ate a hot meal, I would cook it most times. This ventures into a couple different areas. The first is, why wasn’t I worthy of her care in this way as her husband? Why did I not merit this attention? Why could I not even get her attention to go out to eat without the kids? None of the answers to the questions really matter. My mind just spins with them. I get angry. This was something that would have helped our relationship. It was something that I had told her that was important to me.

The second is why doesn’t she do this for the kids when they are there? Why don’t they deserve this care? This part makes me really angry. She moved over the summer. This move has made it so I can no longer have my afternoon routine that I used to have. I used to cook dinner for the kids while we worked on homework. I used to help with homework. She took both of these from me and them. I now pick them up and run off to practice pretty much every night of the week that I have them. I then take them home to rush through fixing them dinner and usher them to showers. It pisses me off that she takes this away from me and them, and does none of it to fill the gaps for them. It pisses me off that she is so selfish as to move for her convenience over the betterment of her children, and their father. She is so callous as to say this to a friend like it should be expected.

Then BOOM, it hits me. She is the most selfish person I know. She always has been. She is doing what she needs to do to have the attention of this man. She married me to try to please her father. It didn’t work. I wasn’t right in his mind for some silly list of reasons. I wasn’t right for her, because my skin is too pale. She rarely dated any white men. Something I was not told until after we were married, probably because she assumed, rightly, that I would have left. As many red flags as I missed, that is one that I would have caught. I had seen it before with friends. She wants to look like a good mom. She will fix enough dinners for them to make that look good. She doesn’t care if she is a good mom. Most of the time she does okay. I know that throughout history bad moms have raised good kids, so I won’t get to focused on this. The kids will have to make their own choices about how they want their future to look.

So what is really eating at me. Well this is a reminder of the promise of marriage. I was at the grocery store at lunch. I saw couples old and not so old wandering through the store together. They were happy. They smiled. They seemed to enjoy each other. They didn’t look strained. These are the things I wanted. My STBEW used to make fun of my sister and her husband for doing things like shopping together. It was so impractical. Guess what, that is exactly why it was important. That impracticality is what made it special. I can forgive her for so many things, even the desire for divorce. I can’t forgive her for never giving our marriage a chance. For never putting herself into it with her whole heart. I can’t forgive her for robbing me of the opportunity of trying to have a life of deep commitment to the woman I love. She got married with an exit plan, so it was riskier to dive that deep than it was to not do so. I can’t forgive her for robbing me of that opportunity. We might have failed, but as it was we never had a chance. If I am ever to find that woman, and am able to foster that relationship with her, then maybe I can forgive her for this. I doubt I will have that chance as I try to raise my children. I expect that woman will be busy doing the same herself, and it will be stupid luck if we ever cross paths in such a way to notice each other romantically.